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underestimating csm's

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 9:48 AM
  • 21 Replies
1 mom liked this
Here recently I've searched for anything to help give insight on our family situation. (Dh has full custody, bm is suppose to get eowe, but doesn't always take it. Ds and dd are 5 and 3, I've been around since 3 and 1).

Everything I read says in some form or another that as a sm I, should really back off and let Dh and bm take care of things. I get that, in normal situations. But in our situation, if that happened, nothing would get done. Dh works long shifts, to work before the kids wake up, home normally after they're asleep. I do everything, wake up, breakfast, to and from school, homework, reading, music lessons, cooking dinners, get them to get showers, get to bed. If discipline is need I do discipline. Nothing terrible, just the same as what Dh is comfortable with doing. Any and everyone we hang out with comments about how they feel the kids do respect me and listen to me, and give credit for discipline and encouragement we give them. I also work full time to boot.

My problem is, where are the articles supporting csms? I am in no way trying to replace the bm, but just because she is willing to cheat them out on having a good mom doesn't mean I am. I get so frustrated seeing articles (which I do understand are opinions) that don't open their eyes to other possibilities. I just know it would be nice to occasionally see an article supporting the csms out there, because I know there are some out there
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by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 9:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jan. 14, 2013 at 9:53 AM
1 mom liked this
I think it's different if you are a CSM. I give you a lot of respect for taking on such a role. Idk how y'all do it!:-). My skids are here week on and off which is tough also but there's. lot of CSMs here that I've seen!:)
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whatIknownow
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 9:54 AM


Quoting RubyLu:


Everything I read says in some form or another that as a sm I, should really back off and let Dh and bm take care of things. I get that, in normal situations. But in our situation, if that happened, nothing would get done. Dh works long shifts, to work before the kids wake up, home normally after they're asleep. I do everything, wake up, breakfast, to and from school, homework, reading, music lessons, cooking dinners, get them to get showers, get to bed. If discipline is need I do discipline. Nothing terrible, just the same as what Dh is comfortable with doing. Any and everyone we hang out with comments about how they feel the kids do respect me and listen to me, and give credit for discipline and encouragement we give them. I also work full time to boot.

My problem is, where are the articles supporting csms? I am in no way trying to replace the bm, but just because she is willing to cheat them out on having a good mom doesn't mean I am. I get so frustrated seeing articles (which I do understand are opinions) that don't open their eyes to other possibilities. I just know it would be nice to occasionally see an article supporting the csms out there, because I know there are some out there

If you have posted your particular story, and posters have consistently given you the advice of "back off and let DH and BM take care of things," then I'd say it's probaby good advice and you should take it.

If those posters gave *other* SMs that advice, based on *their* particular situations, and it doesn't apply to you, then don't take that advice. That is common sense. 

What kind of "support" are you looking for?

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:03 AM
I think if you post your story or look at the advice that are for CSM's it's way different then advice for SM's w a NCP.
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RubyLu
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:06 AM
Thank you for your reply. It's not been so much posting my story on here, more searching on the net in general. I've found that posting on here normally brings in a lot of negative comments when I am trying to stay on the positive side. I agree with you on ignore if it doesn't fit. I was looking for the positive succees stories out there, and am not really finding them. so was hoping to find something on here


Quoting whatIknownow:



Quoting RubyLu:



Everything I read says in some form or another that as a sm I, should really back off and let Dh and bm take care of things. I get that, in normal situations. But in our situation, if that happened, nothing would get done. Dh works long shifts, to work before the kids wake up, home normally after they're asleep. I do everything, wake up, breakfast, to and from school, homework, reading, music lessons, cooking dinners, get them to get showers, get to bed. If discipline is need I do discipline. Nothing terrible, just the same as what Dh is comfortable with doing. Any and everyone we hang out with comments about how they feel the kids do respect me and listen to me, and give credit for discipline and encouragement we give them. I also work full time to boot.



My problem is, where are the articles supporting csms? I am in no way trying to replace the bm, but just because she is willing to cheat them out on having a good mom doesn't mean I am. I get so frustrated seeing articles (which I do understand are opinions) that don't open their eyes to other possibilities. I just know it would be nice to occasionally see an article supporting the csms out there, because I know there are some out there

If you have posted your particular story, and posters have consistently given you the advice of "back off and let DH and BM take care of things," then I'd say it's probaby good advice and you should take it.

If those posters gave *other* SMs that advice, based on *their* particular situations, and it doesn't apply to you, then don't take that advice. That is common sense. 

What kind of "support" are you looking for?


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KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:07 AM
It's not just the CSM status...it's the fact that BM is absent. That makes a huge difference in the role of being a CSM.
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whatIknownow
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:14 AM

I have a positive CSM story. I am a CSM and my situation works very well for my family. My husband has custody of his two kids, 17 and 13, and they have lived with us for 10 years now. Their mother has EOWE and is very involved in their lives. My husband and their mother co-parent pretty well together, and I am a kick-ass SM (in my humble opinion! LOL) who supports their parenting. 

Quoting RubyLu:

Thank you for your reply. It's not been so much posting my story on here, more searching on the net in general. I've found that posting on here normally brings in a lot of negative comments when I am trying to stay on the positive side. I agree with you on ignore if it doesn't fit. I was looking for the positive succees stories out there, and am not really finding them. so was hoping to find something on here


Quoting whatIknownow:



Quoting RubyLu:



Everything I read says in some form or another that as a sm I, should really back off and let Dh and bm take care of things. I get that, in normal situations. But in our situation, if that happened, nothing would get done. Dh works long shifts, to work before the kids wake up, home normally after they're asleep. I do everything, wake up, breakfast, to and from school, homework, reading, music lessons, cooking dinners, get them to get showers, get to bed. If discipline is need I do discipline. Nothing terrible, just the same as what Dh is comfortable with doing. Any and everyone we hang out with comments about how they feel the kids do respect me and listen to me, and give credit for discipline and encouragement we give them. I also work full time to boot.



My problem is, where are the articles supporting csms? I am in no way trying to replace the bm, but just because she is willing to cheat them out on having a good mom doesn't mean I am. I get so frustrated seeing articles (which I do understand are opinions) that don't open their eyes to other possibilities. I just know it would be nice to occasionally see an article supporting the csms out there, because I know there are some out there

If you have posted your particular story, and posters have consistently given you the advice of "back off and let DH and BM take care of things," then I'd say it's probaby good advice and you should take it.

If those posters gave *other* SMs that advice, based on *their* particular situations, and it doesn't apply to you, then don't take that advice. That is common sense. 

What kind of "support" are you looking for?



Kathleenplus1
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:33 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree...a lot of people will rip you apart on here because they cant read your mind and some people read into everything that is written. If you have friends that are moms try to talk to them and stay away from people who cant and wont understand your situation. Every situation is completely unique when it comes to step families. I am a SAHM CSM to SS9 and my DH works away from home. I just moved back to my home town and know absolutely no one but family who are a little sceptical of me raising a child alone when I have none of my own. But it's mine and my DH decision not anyone else's. People are a LOt braver when they dont have to see the hurt in your eyes from their comments... You can private message me i'd be happy to lend you an ear :)

Simmeringhearts
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 10:48 AM

My husband and I have been raising my stepson since he was 6 and mom walked out 10 years ago. I do everything for all of our children because I am the only mom my step son has had until just recently. And she still doesn't bother to come around much. Whenever we do have to deal with her, I just let my husband handle it. But, we have already discussed it first.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jan. 14, 2013 at 3:35 PM
I think this site is a great source and it does give you different perspectives on how am's handle issues. I think it's the best one out there and once you become acquainted w these lovely ladies you will see how much help they are! Well most. Jk. Everyone's opinion has helped in one way or the other!
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jan. 14, 2013 at 3:38 PM
My Dh is I guess in the same boat? A SF that has my dds 24/7. He's great and he will not let my dds miss out just bc their dad isn't involved. He signs them up for things, loves them,financially supports them(well we live in "his" home he pays,ect).

He disciplines them when needed(go to your room type) but gives them as much love as their own dad would. He is dad. If I leave for a month somewhere,he'd be "dad". :))
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