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Bio-Dad got Engaged

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 12:34 PM
  • 19 Replies

So bio-dad came for a visit yesterday. It was the first time in 4 months. He came an hour and a half late and the visit lasted less than 4 hours. 

I noticed while they were at my house that his girlfriend had a nice big ring on her left ring finger. When the kids got home last night, my son cried on and off until he fell asleep and my daughter did not want to talk about the visit. She isnt clueless though. She notices when I change my toenail polish. She HAD to have noticed the ring. 

I asked my ex-MIL if they got engaged, so I would know for sure if my daughter brought it up. She said they got engaged a few months ago and she found out through Facebook. Yup, she found out her son was getting married on good ol' Facebook. She also said he has yet to tell anyone in his family about it. 

So my question is:

1. Do I not mention it to my daughter and hope she didnt realize?

2. Do I tell my daughter so she finds out from me if she doesnt already know/has someone to talk about it with if she did realize?

3. Ask exH if they mentioned it to the kids and what was said about it? I do not think they told the kids though because I think my 4 year old would've said something. 

I know my daughter will be upset by this because she is always upset that she is not apart of their family. She is terrified of the day they have a baby because she thinks he wont be her Dad anymore once that happens. She was also supposed to be the flower girl in his sisters wedding, but he didnt want to take care of them, so because of him, they couldnt go to the wedding. And I know that they will not be involved in his future wedding, and Im sure she knows this as well. So I am not sure how to go about this with her. Suggestions please. 

*J*

by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 12:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 12:51 PM

This sounds like a really crappy situation.

1. Maybe you could hint at it and see if she brings it up... That way if she is comfortable talking about it she will.

2. I would maybe have exH tell her. It is his deal, it needs to come from him. He should have told her in the first place.

3. See #2.

Although your daughter is afraid of being "forgotten" by BD, this is where I would be very positive about it and tell her that isn't going to happen. If you are positive about it she will be too. I bet many people probably think otherwise, but I would definitely take the higher road on this one. I don't know your situation either, so I don't know if you could say something about if you get remarried and have more kids, etc... I would also really encourage exH to involve your kids because his behavior thus far is obviously effecting them.

LovingMy2x4
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:21 PM

I try to stay positive when talking about their Dad, but sometimes their questions just make in impossible. I can tell her she wont be forgotten, but his actions prove otherwise. And we all know actions speak louder than words. 

And my ex doesnt understand much about the kids. Obviously. He spends about 12 hours a YEAR with them. And most of that time is spent at the movies. He does as little parenting as possible. When I tell him something the kids said/did, he thinks Im telling him to be mean to him. He doesnt understand that I tell him things to try and make him see what he is doing to them. 

I think I will hint around and see what she knows. The problem with my ex telling her is that he makes a lot of false promises. I can tell you with 99% certainty that he will tell her she can be the flower girl and then turn around and have a wedding (or elope) with out her even knowing that it happened. 

Quoting Miss-tearious:

This sounds like a really crappy situation.

1. Maybe you could hint at it and see if she brings it up... That way if she is comfortable talking about it she will.

2. I would maybe have exH tell her. It is his deal, it needs to come from him. He should have told her in the first place.

3. See #2.

Although your daughter is afraid of being "forgotten" by BD, this is where I would be very positive about it and tell her that isn't going to happen. If you are positive about it she will be too. I bet many people probably think otherwise, but I would definitely take the higher road on this one. I don't know your situation either, so I don't know if you could say something about if you get remarried and have more kids, etc... I would also really encourage exH to involve your kids because his behavior thus far is obviously effecting them.


*J*

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:23 PM

 1. dont mention it. no one told you. so if dd asks tell her the truth.. you heard he might have but he hasnt told you so you arent sure. tell her to ask him.

2. unfortunately she will probably find out from someone else. this is his news and if he has not shared it with her then thats his proiblem. all we cna do is pick up the pieces.

3. no dont ask him.

LovingMy2x4
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:30 PM

You dont think it might upset her to know that I knew and never said anything to her? This is what Im not sure about. She is better off not knowing right now, but if they actually get married with her never knowing (which I dont put past him) and she finds out afterwards, wouldnt that be competely heartbeaking? But I guess it would be either way if she isnt included in the wedding. 

His mom said she found months ago on FB and he still hasnt told/mentioned it to anyone in his family. Strange right?

Quoting faerie75:

 1. dont mention it. no one told you. so if dd asks tell her the truth.. you heard he might have but he hasnt told you so you arent sure. tell her to ask him.

2. unfortunately she will probably find out from someone else. this is his news and if he has not shared it with her then thats his proiblem. all we cna do is pick up the pieces.

3. no dont ask him.


*J*

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:53 PM

 i agree, it seems really strange.

i guess in your situation you need to weigh whether to be consistent in what you usually do. for me, i refused to be responsible for my ex's behavior. when he flaked on the kids, i told the kids i didnt know why he did that, i was sorry they were sad and they could ask him when they talked to him. i tried to never tell them he was comingt until i knew for sure so they didnt get their hopes up but sometoimes that doesnt work. if my ex had done what yours is doing, id have handled it the way i said. but i am not sure how you handle his short comings.

Quoting LovingMy2x4:

You dont think it might upset her to know that I knew and never said anything to her? This is what Im not sure about. She is better off not knowing right now, but if they actually get married with her never knowing (which I dont put past him) and she finds out afterwards, wouldnt that be competely heartbeaking? But I guess it would be either way if she isnt included in the wedding. 

His mom said she found months ago on FB and he still hasnt told/mentioned it to anyone in his family. Strange right?

Quoting faerie75:

 1. dont mention it. no one told you. so if dd asks tell her the truth.. you heard he might have but he hasnt told you so you arent sure. tell her to ask him.

2. unfortunately she will probably find out from someone else. this is his news and if he has not shared it with her then thats his proiblem. all we cna do is pick up the pieces.

3. no dont ask him.


 

 
        
         

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:54 PM
I think you should just not mention it. My ex got married and neither my daughter nor I knew about it. And it didn't make a difference in our lives at all.
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pepper504
by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2013 at 1:57 PM

I do not get the secrecy of it, but whatever.  What I would do: I would not mention it to the kids.  That is his news to share and apparently, he is not happy/excited about getting married otherwise, he would have told his MOTHER, but I digress.  If it does come up with the kids, I'd tel them to ask him as you do not know for sure as he has not spoken to you about it.

LovingMy2x4
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 2:08 PM

Oh, he is FULL of secrets. Its actually why we broke up. I discovered all his lies and he left. 

He actually dated this woman for well over a year before he told her he had kids. And the only reason he told her was because my kids were supposed to be in his sisters wedding. He ended up not letting them go to the wedding anyway, but he actually waited until the very last minute to tell her. 

Quoting pepper504:

I do not get the secrecy of it, but whatever.  What I would do: I would not mention it to the kids.  That is his news to share and apparently, he is not happy/excited about getting married otherwise, he would have told his MOTHER, but I digress.  If it does come up with the kids, I'd tel them to ask him as you do not know for sure as he has not spoken to you about it.


*J*

LovingMy2x4
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 2:10 PM
1 mom liked this

I make excuses for him until they catch on and then I tell them straight up how it is. I try not to bad talk him to them. Its getting pretty difficult with all their questioning though. 

Quoting faerie75:

 i agree, it seems really strange.

i guess in your situation you need to weigh whether to be consistent in what you usually do. for me, i refused to be responsible for my ex's behavior. when he flaked on the kids, i told the kids i didnt know why he did that, i was sorry they were sad and they could ask him when they talked to him. i tried to never tell them he was comingt until i knew for sure so they didnt get their hopes up but sometoimes that doesnt work. if my ex had done what yours is doing, id have handled it the way i said. but i am not sure how you handle his short comings.

Quoting LovingMy2x4:

You dont think it might upset her to know that I knew and never said anything to her? This is what Im not sure about. She is better off not knowing right now, but if they actually get married with her never knowing (which I dont put past him) and she finds out afterwards, wouldnt that be competely heartbeaking? But I guess it would be either way if she isnt included in the wedding. 

His mom said she found months ago on FB and he still hasnt told/mentioned it to anyone in his family. Strange right?

Quoting faerie75:

 1. dont mention it. no one told you. so if dd asks tell her the truth.. you heard he might have but he hasnt told you so you arent sure. tell her to ask him.

2. unfortunately she will probably find out from someone else. this is his news and if he has not shared it with her then thats his proiblem. all we cna do is pick up the pieces.

3. no dont ask him.


 


*J*

LovingMy2x4
by on Jan. 14, 2013 at 2:11 PM

How old were your daughters? I could care less, but I know my daughter will be heartbroken when she finds out she wasnt included. I dont think my son will be affected. 

Quoting momof2ex1:

I think you should just not mention it. My ex got married and neither my daughter nor I knew about it. And it didn't make a difference in our lives at all.


*J*

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