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HELP!!! THIS IS SERIOUS!!!

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OMG I don't know what to do.  Okay, so I know my SD's password to her e-mail and I was just snooping.  She is turning 15 next month and lives with us.

She just came back from her mom's from Christmas and I guess she met her mom's bf's nephew who is 18 and now they are up late sending e-mails back and forth to each other. 

She is talking about "fucking" him and doing anal and all this really vulgar stuff when she goes back to see her mom in the summer.  They are sending vulgar pics back and forth but I don't think any are pics of themselves.

So not only this, but in one of the e-mails there is a picture of her wrists and the e-mail says:

"This is why I barely got to school. It's going dark purple now..."

DH is getting all mad at me saying he doesn't want to hear anything about it and what am I going to do anyways.  I don't know what to do, I did invade her privacy but she is lying about doing drugs and talking vulgar sex talk and now this...  HELP PLEASE!!!!

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 3:41 PM
Replies (11-20):
newstepmom61811
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:46 PM
2 moms liked this
Honestly, two things...I'm guessing your DH is the CP? If you really are concerned, look into the depo provera shot...one shot, good for 5 years at preventing pregnancy. So if you are really concerned at least she'll make it to 20 no kids...as for the behavior, wanting to impress the boy issues. You are kind of stick of the bioparents are not stepping up...that's why she's working so hard for this boy's attention to start with. Her parents aren't giving we what she needs. The statement that that you are her main paren is the fundamental problem. Your heart is absolutely in the righ place, you care about her, good intention, but every kid needs their parents to care and intervene and set limits. It sounds like hers aren't and there will be no way you can stop this train until at least one parent gives a damn enough to step in and intervene.
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savingtheworld
by Bronze Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:46 PM
My 15 yo daughter went thru this..but hers was pics..an she got busted red handed! She was so embarrassed! So yes yes! I would seriously say something to her! Dad needs to approach it tho! Just bc your a step parent does not mean to step down! My husband wich would b my daughter step dad..also commented that he was hurt that she would do such things! She was so humiliated! An so far she has never done that again! U have to say something before its a bigger problem!
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NobleStepMom
by Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:51 PM

You might be absolutely right!  Her mom now has 2 other kids so probably didn't even care what she was doing when she was there visiting...her dad, even though I love him, is a slack father and this causes a lot of problems in our relationship over the years because I should not be the main parent.  BM was 16 and BF was 19 when they had her...seems neither of them have really stepped up ever!  I am 26 with no bio kids of my own and have been in her life since she was 6 and I was 18. 

Yes he is the CP and she only now goes back to see her mom just starting this past summer twice a year.  This all happened on her second visit - makes me not want to send her back to her mom's again. 

Thank you for your input, I think you are right.

Quoting newstepmom61811:

Honestly, two things...I'm guessing your DH is the CP? If you really are concerned, look into the depo provera shot...one shot, good for 5 years at preventing pregnancy. So if you are really concerned at least she'll make it to 20 no kids...as for the behavior, wanting to impress the boy issues. You are kind of stick of the bioparents are not stepping up...that's why she's working so hard for this boy's attention to start with. Her parents aren't giving we what she needs. The statement that that you are her main paren is the fundamental problem. Your heart is absolutely in the righ place, you care about her, good intention, but every kid needs their parents to care and intervene and set limits. It sounds like hers aren't and there will be no way you can stop this train until at least one parent gives a damn enough to step in and intervene.


pepper504
by Gold Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:55 PM

Being that it sounds like you are the mother figure of the household, do you and she have a really good relationship?  I ask that because maybe you can see what is going on with her, you know?  In a round about way, I am sure that you will be able to get her to talking about some of the things, i.e. the highlighter and cutting. 

Quoting NobleStepMom:

The funny thing about all of this is that this year she is doing the best she has ever in school, we really haven't had any issues yet this year (but of course, this is an issue for sure...right after she comes back from BM's house)

We do have strict rules in our house, always on her for her homework, knowing where she is, she is only allowed out after school until 5:30, etc...This seems to be so out of character for her and of course, I don't doubt it is because this older boy has shown interest in her.  It says in the e-mails that she "just wants to llose it, it's such a hassle" about her virginity.  And this cutting...the other night I saw she had pink highlighter in like cut marks on her leg and I thought it was kind of weird, now I know why!

Quoting pepper504:


Quoting Lslk:

OMG! Is this what my duaghter is going to be like when she is 15? I keep hearing stories like this about 15 and 16 year old girls!

I'm sorry, I know that was not helpful. I agree with everyone else though. Just step back and let BD deal with it or not deal with it. Hopefully when summer time rolls around SD will not go through with it. Maybe this is a good time to test your faith in her??

Geez O Petes, Good Luck!!!

My DD is 15 and will 16 next month.  She is nothing like the OP stated in her post.  Of course, her father and I are always on her and we keep her really busy.  She's a cheerleader and she also does travel softball. 

OP, I am sorry that you are going through this and that your DH doesn't want to deal with what you found.  That is what makes your hands tied in this. 



amylulu1
by Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 4:56 PM
2 moms liked this

 Who cares if she knows that you were snooping?  At that age I believe that they don't have a right to certain privacies.  For the exact reason that you are posting about!  She is obviously not making smart decisions and therefore can't be trusted enough to have the privilege of access to a computer without providing all passwords to any and all accounts that she has.  I would let her know that you found her emails, how inappropriate they are, and get her into counseling.  Just because Dad wants to be a lazy parent, doesn't mean that you should.  I can't believe he wants to bury his head in the sand instead of taking the steps necessary as a parent.  This is where the hard stuff comes in and he needs to do it whether he likes it or not!!  Talk to her...let her know that you are there for her and not judging her.   Kudos for you wanting to step up and actually parent--even when it's hard!!!

ctaylor1211
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 5:02 PM

the only thing i see looking like its going dark purple is the spot on her nail where it looks like she slammed the door on her finger which would hurt horribly and could make you late for school I mean you wouldnt slam your finger in a door grab your back pack and run out the door to the bus you would sit there a minute cause it hurt.  THe marks on the arm are from her hair band

NobleStepMom
by Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 5:05 PM

Her mother just bought her a blackberry playbook for Christmas, that is how she is accessing the internet...  there is a wifi connection near our house that isn't ours and isn't password protected so nothing I can do about the wifi connection.  I have had this password for years but she doesn't know it, when her mom set up the e-mail account for her when she was 10 she said it nonchalantly in a conversation what the password was because it was funny to her.  Of course, I made note of that.

Over the years, her e-mails have given me a heads up into these kinds of things and before I was able to say "I went to log on to my hotmail and yours was still connected" but now I can't make that excuse and I don't want her knowing that I have her password because this is the very reason why I need it.  Plus, at this age, I need to figure out a way to play it cool because this is the destructive age and I don't want her to become moreso.  But obviously, something has to be done.

Quoting amylulu1:

 Who cares if she knows that you were snooping?  At that age I believe that they don't have a right to certain privacies.  For the exact reason that you are posting about!  She is obviously not making smart decisions and therefore can't be trusted enough to have the privilege of access to a computer without providing all passwords to any and all accounts that she has.  I would let her know that you found her emails, how inappropriate they are, and get her into counseling.  Just because Dad wants to be a lazy parent, doesn't mean that you should.  I can't believe he wants to bury his head in the sand instead of taking the steps necessary as a parent.  This is where the hard stuff comes in and he needs to do it whether he likes it or not!!  Talk to her...let her know that you are there for her and not judging her.   Kudos for you wanting to step up and actually parent--even when it's hard!!!


NobleStepMom
by Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 5:06 PM

I really hope so.  Either way, it is a cause for concern, whether she is doing it, or lying to a boy about doing it because it somehow impresses him.

Quoting ctaylor1211:

the only thing i see looking like its going dark purple is the spot on her nail where it looks like she slammed the door on her finger which would hurt horribly and could make you late for school I mean you wouldnt slam your finger in a door grab your back pack and run out the door to the bus you would sit there a minute cause it hurt.  THe marks on the arm are from her hair band


angelmommy2806
by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 5:12 PM
I'm going to agree with E and most the other posters. Even if you are CSM dad still has the final say and if he's not willing to take it seriously there's not much you can do.
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jan. 16, 2013 at 5:33 PM

What are her friends like?

is she involved in any EC's? clubs?

Does she get good grades?

These things are more important indicators of her near future. what is her overall picture look like? What are her goals for the future?

this 18yo boy might just be a fantasy-release for her. Not saying it isn't dangerous, it definitely is. But there are other things to focus on that give a bigger  picture.

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