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Disciplining step kids

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I guess I think I'm fair when it comes to disciplining my 2 step kids, but my husband thinks I'm going over board. If any stepmoms have advice Please Help!

by on Jan. 16, 2013 at 8:52 PM
Replies (31-40):
becc41
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:16 AM

If mom is still in the picture, AND your DH is telling you you're over doing it, why are you even asking?  Back off.  

soy_latte
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:23 AM

I generally punish my stepsons less harshly than their dad. He trusts my parenting complicity and I have his open-ended permission to do whatever I want: scold them, take away toys or privileges, ground them, send them to bed, spank them. I just don't, usually. 

He, on the other hand, isn't use to being a 24/7 parent and I don't always agree with his methods. So he takes the path most travelled when he disciplines my kids. 

jessi2girls
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:27 AM

I'm sorry, I'm with your husband.. it is everyones fault here..

you are the parents and are suppose to supervise your 2 year old, so actually I find more fault in the adults, than i do the children. 

I wouldn't have thrown out the pens/markers/etc... but I would have moved them to a place that the older children can access them but your 2 year old can't. 

Quoting 20below:

My husband and I have a 2 yr old boy together. He has full custody of his kids. Tonight as I was dusting pictures I noticed that on a big picture collage of our 2 yr that we got when he was like 3 months old that there was a red pen scribbles all over it! I know that it was our 2 yr, but I also know that he had found that red pen sitting by the computer that was my step daughters pen that I have been telling her to put away so our 2 yr old wouldn't get it and mark things like that. So anyways I told her and my stepson to go down to their rooms and find all their pencils, pens, markers, etc. and throw them away! I have gave them a lot of warnings that if their going to have them in their room thats fine, but keep them up so their little brother wouldn't get them. My husband said that I was in the wrong and better get all the pencils, pens, etc. out of the trash and give them back and apoligize, because its everyones fault even his and mine! So I did


Queen_Sheila
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:40 AM

I'm not a step mom, but my husband is a step father and he has always been good to my son. I think the most important thing is, if you have had children together or if you have children of your own, don't let them get away with something and then discipline the step children for the same thing.

mypbandj
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:51 AM

I think that what you did (making the kids throw away all their pens) was over the top and not fair. Why did your stepson get punished?? You said it was your step daughters pen that was left out. Right there is a prime example of why this punishment was unreasonable. 

This is what I would have done....being the adult, I would have realized what the consequence would be of having pens lying around with a two year old. So after the first time of the older girl not listening and picking up her pen, I would have picked it up myself and given her a consequence. Maybe I would keep the pen for a week. Basically, if she can't take care of her stuff, then I am going to do it for her. And if she just continued leaving pens around, then maybe we would talk about putting up ALL the pens and she would have to check them out, one at a time. That is a fair and natural consequence. 

Your step daughter is NOT an adult and it isn't her responsibility to predict what her 2 year old brother will do. That's YOUR job. 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:51 AM

I think that's kinda silly to throw pens and pencils away.  Maybe next time something like this happens have everyone clean something.  Scrub down the kitchen floor.  Even the 2 year old.  Give him a washcloth and have him "wipe up" a corner or something.

I think toddlers writing on walls is something that's almost unavoidable.  Our house has PERMANENT marker scratches from both my step daughters and one was writing on the walls still AT EIGHT!  You just have to drill it into your child that walls and pens are NOT ok.  It's going to happen, but you'll probably be glad when he stops drawing on walls at 5 instead of 8 like my skids! LOL  And she only did it because DH didn't say anything or reprimand in any way except, "You shouldn't do that."  I made her sit on the stairs and erase the pencil scratches and then she got lectured, "How OLD are you???  Is that appropriate for someone of your age to be doing?" lol  She never did it again.

Quoting 20below:

My husband and I have a 2 yr old boy together. He has full custody of his kids. Tonight as I was dusting pictures I noticed that on a big picture collage of our 2 yr that we got when he was like 3 months old that there was a red pen scribbles all over it! I know that it was our 2 yr, but I also know that he had found that red pen sitting by the computer that was my step daughters pen that I have been telling her to put away so our 2 yr old wouldn't get it and mark things like that. So anyways I told her and my stepson to go down to their rooms and find all their pencils, pens, markers, etc. and throw them away! I have gave them a lot of warnings that if their going to have them in their room thats fine, but keep them up so their little brother wouldn't get them. My husband said that I was in the wrong and better get all the pencils, pens, etc. out of the trash and give them back and apoligize, because its everyones fault even his and mine! So I did


lovelychaos13
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:57 AM
1 mom liked this

THIS!!!  sorry i am not a step mom, but im a birth mom who has custody of my 2 girls, their bio dad has 1 weekend a month visits (im not withholding visits he doesnt want them around more than 1 weekend a month ive offered more time) but i also have tried my best to drill into my girls to be respectful to their step mom, no getting sassy or mouthy, if one of their rules is different from our home then follow it. (i wish they would have disobeyed using mean and negative words in their home but since they are in trouble here now and at school due to the words being okay up there, their step mom suggested a change to ban them as they are here after realizing how often such words are used, lol i ddint bitch at them over it but i did let them know kids were getting in trouble at school for it.) i also  warn my kids not to compare me and step mom in the differtent way we do some things lol mainly with cooking, dont say  my mom makes them this way and that better, to say  thankyou and now they know 2 ways to make pancakes muffins ect foods. just because its not cooked my way does not mean its done wrong or not as good. the kids making their own snide comments has led to me and her butting heads. i am their mom she is their step mom and i encurage  them to have their own different tradions and making  different memmories with her. i get pissed if they are disrespectful to anyone period! 

but yeah my dh the girls step dad used to call me hitler mommy because i was so strict and always followed through on everything and did not make exceptions. ive eased up some and he says im not hitler mommy anymore. but you so tottaly sound like me with having them gather up the pens ect and throwing them away. but i also hate to waste stuff. i have taken all pens ect and stuck them in a coffee can before and  permission must be asked when they need to use it and they must return it when done. my girls are 6 and 7. their dad and step mom are expecting a girl due in june and yes if my girls defaced somthing of their siblings or allowed sibling to deface other stuff in a home  they would be in deep shit when they came back from a visit.

Quoting Troubleswife:

I would not advise disciplining them more strictly than their parents or if your DH doesn't support it.

Quoting 20below:

I guess I think I'm fair when it comes to disciplining my 2 step kids, but my husband thinks I'm going over board. If any stepmoms have advice Please Help!


CABZS
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:08 AM

I am not a SM but my husband is a SD & all the kids are treated equally & fairly.

No special treatment for my son & our DD, they are equal. 

CABZS
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:14 AM
1 mom liked this

So you failed to ensure they listened & put their things away.

You then had them throw things away that will cost money to replace, I never understood this type of punishment.

You also then punished the step-kids for something but not your 2yr old.

Hate to break it to you but I am w/your husband, you need to apologize for going overboard & for giving special treatment to "your" kid.  Things should be equal!

They should have been punised for not listening & putting things away & your 2yr old should've been punished for coloring on things he shouldn't color on.

Definitely appears you should favortism & it will cause a lot of problems in the home.  I agree w/your husband.

Quoting 20below:

My husband and I have a 2 yr old boy together. He has full custody of his kids. Tonight as I was dusting pictures I noticed that on a big picture collage of our 2 yr that we got when he was like 3 months old that there was a red pen scribbles all over it! I know that it was our 2 yr, but I also know that he had found that red pen sitting by the computer that was my step daughters pen that I have been telling her to put away so our 2 yr old wouldn't get it and mark things like that. So anyways I told her and my stepson to go down to their rooms and find all their pencils, pens, markers, etc. and throw them away! I have gave them a lot of warnings that if their going to have them in their room thats fine, but keep them up so their little brother wouldn't get them. My husband said that I was in the wrong and better get all the pencils, pens, etc. out of the trash and give them back and apoligize, because its everyones fault even his and mine! So I did


MamaMoopsie
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:32 AM

Discipline in our house consists of time outs (which are in the corner), losing priveleges like TV time, and being sent to bed before bedtime. For other offenses we sometimes have to think a little harder and come up with something but DH and I do it together, regardless of whether its SD or my bio-kids. Once in a while he'll take me aside and say I'm being too hard on SD, but generally we're on the same page. It wasn't always like this. I had to point out to him that SD is a lot older than our younger children and some of her bad behavior is going to take long-term modification and couldn't just be fixed by one time out.

Still, you have to pick your battles. Ask your DH what he thinks is proper discipline for skids and why he feels you're going over board. What are the age differences between the stepkids and the other children? What are the behaviors requiring discipline...and is it something that should be addressed in both your household and in BM's household? (That's a whole different sticky situation).

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