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New to the SM role updated#2

Posted by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:14 PM
  • 29 Replies

Hi, Im getting married soon. All 5 of his kids live in another state. 4 are by his ex-wife and 1 is a baby mama. He has always paid cs on time for all of them without complaint. We even sent extra for the 2 adult kids when they need it. Now my issue is the youngest. He is 10 and just lost his mom to cancer. I dont want him to think Im trying to replace his mom because I would never do that. Im a bm as well and cant imagine doing that to another mom. How do I help this boy adjust to a new state, school, family. How do I help my kids adjust to having a new brother? He is an only child that is becoming the oldest. My dd will now be a middle child. Our whole family dynamic will soon be changing alot. We are putting df son in grief counseling asap. But what to do with the rest of the family? I have never been in a sm role and now I will be a full time one. I just dont want to somehow cause more harm to this child in anyway. He has been through soooo much.

Any advice

Update. 3/21/13

df went to Maryland thinking it would be sooo simple to get his ds. NOT!!! No one told him he would have to file for custody for his ds from a second cousin. She tried to fild emergency custody without telling df until late the nite before that he would get to see ds in court and only in court. She thought he would be unprepared and she would get awarded custody. Df is allowing ds to stay there til the end of the school year because that's what ds is insisted on. The caseworker told her  df had first rights to his son. If he wanted to take him now legally df couldn't be stopped, just delayed.

Update#2

Df just got a call from her telling him that she is moving and changing her number. She also told him to not waste his money coming to get ss at the end of the school year. Df now feels just defeated. This lady is saying she is not going to give his son to him as agreed. She is just going to disappear with his son.

by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Miss-tearious
by on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:32 PM

Yikes! This is definitely a hard one. BUMP.

Lorena
by Bronze Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 10:07 PM
I have kinda gone threw this at least the blending part. My skids where living in Nebraska with their mom, Aunt, uncle, and grandma. We have 4 that are older. When we brought my skids home my dd went from being the baby and the only girl to being in the middle and 2 more girls. My oldest sd went from being the oldest to in the middle.
We have all the kids in counseling. It helps alot with the blending. I also was never a step mom before hand. Yes we were married for almost a year before we got them but we did not know where they were.
Good luck and best wishes!
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teenmom0305
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:01 AM

BUMP!

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:29 AM
I would say, don't ever refer to his dead mother as 'baby mama'. That is disrespectful.

Honestly, you just help him to feel welcome, let him have his emotions as he will definitely have them over time. Counseling will help. Actually I would say counseling is very important. Do that ASAP. I think you do have the right thoughts to start.

How familiar with the situation are your kids? Do they know him? Has he been a part of their lives at all?

Will he have his own room? I only ask bc he may find comfort in having some choices in decorating his new space. Of course he is a boy so he may not care. Have you talked with your children about him coming? Do they know the circumstances?
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teenmom0305
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 1:36 AM

 1. i wouldnt dream to refer to his mom as thatto him. I was just describing the fact that my SO and his mom were never married.

2. I have talked to my dd9 about it and she says she is ok with it. no the kids have never met. My ds is 3 so he really dont fully understand. We already have a counsler set up. And he unfortuentally wont have his own room. The boys will share but he seems excited to have a brother so maybe it will be ok? lol


Quoting momof2ex1:

I would say, don't ever refer to his dead mother as 'baby mama'. That is disrespectful.

Honestly, you just help him to feel welcome, let him have his emotions as he will definitely have them over time. Counseling will help. Actually I would say counseling is very important. Do that ASAP. I think you do have the right thoughts to start.

How familiar with the situation are your kids? Do they know him? Has he been a part of their lives at all?

Will he have his own room? I only ask bc he may find comfort in having some choices in decorating his new space. Of course he is a boy so he may not care. Have you talked with your children about him coming? Do they know the circumstances?


 

jeniemarie
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 2:44 AM
counseling for him is great. might think about a few family sessions too just help. try family bonding activies. make sure you and DH make rules and disapline and present a united front. its going to be a hard adjustment but time and patinace along with a firm hand when needed things will work out. good luck
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shanlee42
by Silver Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 9:31 AM

I definitely think counseling will be good for him. I would just do your best to make him feel welcome in the family home. I imagine this is going to be tough but keep your chin up.

teenmom0305
by Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 11:56 PM

Bump

packermomof2
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 12:37 AM



Quoting teenmom0305:

 1. i wouldnt dream to refer to his mom as thatto him. I was just describing the fact that my SO and his mom were never married.

Does this matter?  An unwed mother is still just mom.  Or ex.  Worst case scenario a one night stand that went in a way neither person wanted.  But not baby mama.  That sounds trashy and uneducated.

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
teenmom0305
by Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 12:48 AM

However I worded things in th op dosnt change the facts or advice I was seeking


Quoting packermomof2:



Quoting teenmom0305:

 1. i wouldnt dream to refer to his mom as thatto him. I was just describing the fact that my SO and his mom were never married.

Does this matter?  An unwed mother is still just mom.  Or ex.  Worst case scenario a one night stand that went in a way neither person wanted.  But not baby mama.  That sounds trashy and uneducated.



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