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a stepson after three years of marriage

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 10:03 PM
  • 15 Replies
Ok so one day after three years of marriage and a two year old we received a order for paternity testing in the mail. Needless to say I was like wtf! My husband took the test and after six weeks of waiting the child was his !!!! a three and a half year old boy. Now I calculated n I couldn't b that upset since the boy was five days old when we met. The child's mother pinned the boy on another man and I guess after three years he was weary if that was his child. So she sought out to find his true daddy...my husband!! This has been such a horrible experience. I couldn't even being to explain how it effects my family,btw we have three kids together now. I even have trouble from my in laws over this new child.
I try to tell my husband to talk to my ss bcuz I am fearful that he will have problems as he gets older. He knew another man as his dad for three years he has another family he knew.all of that was taken away he has a different mans last name. I see how he feels left out of our family and he will asks things like "daddy can u come live with me and my mom? "
My husband also thinks I can't stand his son. I feel so hurt by that. His son is being raised by someone other than me and we have different expectations and rules. I just try to teach him my way while he is in my care but I wanna disengaged myself so i wont look like the bad Guy.
My husbands family tries to bring the boys mother around. My husband told they he did not want this but they keep trying. They do not know this girl becuz she was a one night stand that resulted in this whole mess!




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by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 10:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 10:20 PM
3 moms liked this
Well that is an awful situation and I do feel for you. The problem is when people have unprotected sex they know the risk.

The good news is, with his young age, he will forget the first 'daddy' in a little while and that family and it will no longer be an issue. My dd can't remember her dad and I living together and we divorced when she was 5. So as time goes on, he will forget and he will see how his new life is and it will feel like it has always been this way. I was 2 when my dad left. I have no memory of him. I was 4 when my stepdad came in to the picture and I don't remember it ever being any other way.

As time goes on, he will learn the rules of your home and he will conform just like all children do.

Something you said, sort of made me cringe. You said my husband has a son that is being raised by someone other than me. I can understand that but your husband may feel the way he does because of your feelings. You may not realize it but you may be showing your anxiety on the outside. He is 3. All 3 year olds are either lovable or annoying. He will eventually go through another phase and you'll either think he is adorable or he will annoy you. My best advice is to find something that you love about this child or even like and really focus on that. Try not to focus on how he came in to your world but rather what he can bring to your world.

Your husbands family is probably just as confused and possibly even a little shocked about the situation. They probably don't know what to do but they see mom as mom and a part of their grandsons life. So they want to make an effort to reach out to her for their grandsons sake. Give them a little break. They are having to adjust to this 'one night stand' as well. I can't imagine how that went over - if this were my brother my mom would be devastated.
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shanlee42
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 10:22 PM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like a tough situation. It might be good for the boy to have BM around. This has got to be super scary and confusing for him. In the end, it will be better for him if you all can get along and do things as one blended family. I know it won't be easy or even desirable right now.
pinkappletree
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 10:32 PM
@momof2ex1 thank you so much for the advice..I really appreciate it! I will try to look at it differently ...one thing tho I did not mentionmy ss is now 8 so I have been trying to deal wit these emotions for some time now. I will definitely try your approach :)
And as far as my in laws I believe they have other motives becuz they had years to try n reach out but bcuz we had a falling out now they wanna meet her
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heathercm26
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 10:35 PM
1 mom liked this
Honestly i would be greatful to have my ss. Bm have been a one night stand. No emotions and relationship baggage there. I think its wonderful that you are dealing with this. I would be pissed if dh was so careless in a way that would effect my life forever. But what can you do.... just try and welcome this cjild into your family and make a place for him. As son... step son... and brother. I would suggest that you and dh spend some alone time with him. Do somethings together in order to bond.

Your dh should be kissing your ass by the way. Its quite an imposition. U didnt sign on for it and any inconvenience of step parent hood is his fault..... but treat this boy as the blessing he is.

What is the custody/ child support order?
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pinkappletree
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 10:47 PM
He does pay child support but no custody order he can pick him up pretty much when he wants as long as she is feeling it...lol..she also has a younger daughter which makes her all the happier to send him over
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pinkappletree
by on Jan. 18, 2013 at 10:49 PM
@heathercm26 thanks for the encouraging words I can't wait til he comes back over so I can test out you all's advice. I feel like I've been alone in this for years I'm so grateful for support
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rebeccasmly
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 12:20 AM
1 mom liked this
That would be incredibly hard. Its different when you go into a marriage knowing of other children, you expect these complications. It must be extremely hard being thrown into the SM role unexpectedly. I commend you for doing your best and stepping up to help your husband. You've been given some great advice, I hope it works for you.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 12:49 AM
Omgosh! I am so sorry! I read it that this just happened and he is just now 3 and your dd is 2. I'm really sorry for misunderstanding that. I need to re-read your post and I'll come back after I 'rethink' my position on it. Lol it really does change how I feel about it knowing he is now 8.

Is he having issues about his 'first dad' now? And the family? And your DH's family is still after 5 years inviting the mom around?


Quoting pinkappletree:

@momof2ex1 thank you so much for the advice..I really appreciate it! I will try to look at it differently ...one thing tho I did not mentionmy ss is now 8 so I have been trying to deal wit these emotions for some time now. I will definitely try your approach :)

And as far as my in laws I believe they have other motives becuz they had years to try n reach out but bcuz we had a falling out now they wanna meet her

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pinkappletree
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 10:02 AM
Yes after all these years its still like. it happened yesterday.I have never met his mother.I believe his littlte sister from his mother has the dad he thought was his so he says he has two dads. And he has both his old dad and his mom's last name hyphenated so it confuses him that we all have the same last name and he has two completely different ones. Btw I have three biology children with my husband. My husbands family. Showed lil interest in her in the past years but we have recently had a falling out so I guess to get under my skin they decide to buy her a Christmas gift this yeary
grumpyboston
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 1:58 PM

 wow sounds like i could have typed this . Your husband can be added to the birth certifcate and have the boys named change to your husbands go to place where you can get birth cert and they will have the paperwork .

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