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I need help with two things

Posted by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:42 PM
  • 20 Replies
My sd mom had fallen into an unfortunate, but not surprising situation. Her and her bf broke up and she has two kids to care for (one is dh) on a limited income. My sd told me today that her mom took her birthday money from relatives. I'm sure it was to pay bills. What do you say when sd brings this up? It happens a lot so changing the subject only goes so far. My other issue with this is not having that "I told you so" attitude. This person has been rude to me, used me, called my son a bastard , etc. I understand her having a hard time but I am having a hard time being sympathetic. Advice?
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by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:42 PM
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Replies (1-10):
elliem87
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:51 PM
Just be there for SD. Document every thing she tells you.
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Kat31
by Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:55 PM
Document that BM had to use SD's birthday money?


Quoting elliem87:

Just be there for SD. Document every thing she tells you.

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elliem87
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 8:58 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes. Everything.


Quoting Kat31:

Document that BM had to use SD's birthday money?




Quoting elliem87:

Just be there for SD. Document every thing she tells you.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
AmyB118
by NA Rocks on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:04 PM

What does BF say about this? Has he addressed this w/either BM or SD? I don't know how it would be  your place to bring it up or discuss it w/SD.  If SSs had said that to me I would have told them that they needed to talk to DH about it.

What do you need to be sympathetic about?  BM or SD?  I've felt "I told you so" towards BM a time or two but I've never said it out loud to anyone.  Actually, she doesn't rent much space in my head so whatever happens in her life is of no concern to me.

lovemyfriend
by Bronze Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:18 PM
No he has not. Whn she brings it up between both of us I say nothing but when it is just her and I I struggle with an appropriate response. I feel like I should be sympathetic to my sds mom because she is her mom. But it is difficult for me because she has been really... Rude to me.


Quoting AmyB118:

What does BF say about this? Has he addressed this w/either BM or SD? I don't know how it would be  your place to bring it up or discuss it w/SD.  If SSs had said that to me I would have told them that they needed to talk to DH about it.

What do you need to be sympathetic about?  BM or SD?  I've felt "I told you so" towards BM a time or two but I've never said it out loud to anyone.  Actually, she doesn't rent much space in my head so whatever happens in her life is of no concern to me.


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247beachbumz
by on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:26 PM

ur boyfriend needs to handle it...jst b there for sd and let her knw she really needs to discuss this w/her dad.....if BM is a bitch to u, then why is she even a thought to u..thats a waste of ur energy on sumone who jst got her ass kicked by KARMA


AmyB118
by NA Rocks on Jan. 19, 2013 at 9:31 PM

How old is she? I think I might say something like "I'm really sorry that happened.  I think that's something that only you and your dad should talk about" and leave it at that.  Then I'd probably tell DH that she was talking about it again and that he needed to address it somehow.

Meh.....I dunno about the other.  This may sound hokey but I'd just pray for some compassion.  I am a recovering addict and that's something I'd tell my sponsees or if I felt like I was being unnaturally hard on someone else I'd probably tell myself that I needed to be a little more compassionate for the person I'm being hard on b/c there but for the grace of God go I, KWIM.


Quoting lovemyfriend:

No he has not. Whn she brings it up between both of us I say nothing but when it is just her and I I struggle with an appropriate response. I feel like I should be sympathetic to my sds mom because she is her mom. But it is difficult for me because she has been really... Rude to me.


Quoting AmyB118:

What does BF say about this? Has he addressed this w/either BM or SD? I don't know how it would be  your place to bring it up or discuss it w/SD.  If SSs had said that to me I would have told them that they needed to talk to DH about it.

What do you need to be sympathetic about?  BM or SD?  I've felt "I told you so" towards BM a time or two but I've never said it out loud to anyone.  Actually, she doesn't rent much space in my head so whatever happens in her life is of no concern to me.




lovemyfriend
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 12:56 AM

 

thanks for the perspective.  and the advice.  she is 8. and the best kid ever.  I just feel bad for her that she has to have this experience.  I know that this is something that happens to people, but when its someone like her mom , someone who has been very negative in my life, it is hard to know the right thing to say.  I just need some ideas on how else to deflect the question besides "oh, that is too bad", or "i'm sorry, talk to your dad", because she will keep talking about it/ asking questions.......and i don't want her to think I don't care about her.  Its all about my SD, not anything or anyone else.

Quoting AmyB118:

How old is she? I think I might say something like "I'm really sorry that happened.  I think that's something that only you and your dad should talk about" and leave it at that.  Then I'd probably tell DH that she was talking about it again and that he needed to address it somehow.

Meh.....I dunno about the other.  This may sound hokey but I'd just pray for some compassion.  I am a recovering addict and that's something I'd tell my sponsees or if I felt like I was being unnaturally hard on someone else I'd probably tell myself that I needed to be a little more compassionate for the person I'm being hard on b/c there but for the grace of God go I, KWIM.

 

Quoting lovemyfriend:

No he has not. Whn she brings it up between both of us I say nothing but when it is just her and I I struggle with an appropriate response. I feel like I should be sympathetic to my sds mom because she is her mom. But it is difficult for me because she has been really... Rude to me.


Quoting AmyB118:

What does BF say about this? Has he addressed this w/either BM or SD? I don't know how it would be  your place to bring it up or discuss it w/SD.  If SSs had said that to me I would have told them that they needed to talk to DH about it.

What do you need to be sympathetic about?  BM or SD?  I've felt "I told you so" towards BM a time or two but I've never said it out loud to anyone.  Actually, she doesn't rent much space in my head so whatever happens in her life is of no concern to me.


 

 


 

MamaMoopsie
by on Jan. 20, 2013 at 1:26 AM
1 mom liked this

All you can say to your SD is "I'm sorry that happened," and let it go. Encourage her to let it go as well. As for being sympathetic for the BM...well, you are in a way being sympathetic. You're not straight out bad mouthing her, you're not being hateful or cruel. So, just go ahead with what you're doing. If she comes to you and DH for help, discuss it as a couple find what works best for everyone involved, even if it means bending over backwards to get her in a better situation, the end result is your SD will be happier if her BM is happier.

When I'm having a hard time dealing with my SD's BM I think of all the ways a certain situation will benefit SD. If I can't find any benefits or good points I'll ask DH for his input and he can usually get me past my irritations.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 1:31 AM
Some people think that you should document everything bc they thrive on the 'take it to court and take the kids out of the other parents home' attitude. So what? Mom has some financial crap. I can't say I have ever had to use my kids money to pay my light bill but I'm not beneath it if there is no other avenue. You don't have to show mom sympathy but you can show care for your SD by being there to listen to her and give her a hug. I would hope that mom would give the money back ASAP. Sometimes times are tough. We've all been there. I think it's a lesson for kids to see their parents struggle through a rough patch. I on the other hand never knew my parents struggled and it gave me a skewed perception of how the real word really worked. I wish my parents would have been honest with me and let me know when things were going down. They sheltered me a bit too much. Off topic: sorry about that.

Quoting Kat31:

Document that BM had to use SD's birthday money?



Quoting elliem87:

Just be there for SD. Document every thing she tells you.




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