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My SD mom killed herself

Posted by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 5:45 AM
  • 79 Replies
1 mom liked this

and left me with a child who has a broken spirit

This is my first post. I am the step mom to a 23 yo SS, 19 yo SS, 10 year old SD, 10 yo DD, 9 yo DD and 20 month old DD.  Only the 4 girls live with us. My husbands late wife attempted suicide when SD was 4 and was in hospital for a week. When SD was 7 her mom took to many high blood pressure meds.  She was addicted to Oxy and pain pills and would write her own prescriptions with a Dr's RX pad that she stole from a Dr's office. She took out loans with their joint account and bought 15k worth of pills that DH didn't know about.  SD was standing there when the paramedics were trying to revive her, DH took DS to school and BM died.  What isn't obvious to outsiders is that part of SD died that day too. The part that would bust out into a song from a happy heart or give a cheesy smile for the camera.  That child is gone. What is left is a child who has PTSD. A child that gives a blank stare when asked to pose for the camera, but is pissed when asked to leave the shot.  She can be content one moment and then fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. She has had melt downs where me a grown woman wants to leave the house. It sounds like something you would hear in a mental hospital with the screaming. Usually over me or her dad telling her to clean her room.  Then she shadows us.  If we go to the store, she has to be no less than 3 inches away from  me, hubby or the kids. it is really strange. Something I've never experienced.  If I tell her quit following me so close she will make a bee line to my 9 year old and follow behind her every step. If dd tries to run, SD will run right behind her. I will tell her to stand back and give dd9 some room and SD will break out into hysterics and cry saying "SM doesn't like me."  WTF?  abandonment issues? I have not a clue. So getting back at home is no better. She has to be talking to someone at ALL times. She will take a shower and watch movies alone, but other then that she is talking to someone. I tell my daughters to do homework and she will want to come down and sit right next to them. Without fail she will start talking. I get frustrated and tell my dd to go to her room and finish and SD will start to talk to the cat.  The only reason things have gotten better is because she got a cell phone and is now calling friends. She is only 10 but she is on the phone from the time she's home till its time to go to bed, unless it is time to eat.  DH says nothing, he sees nothing wrong with this. What ever I say an excuse is given. An example she sent a text message to my DD 9 that a boy in her class likes her and he wants to F ck her all night.  This was sent to my dd9. I was LIVID. I showed the text to MIL and said I better not ever get this kind of text again.  MIL didn't read it and said well I didn't see it, the phone turned off. I grabbed to phone and read it to her.. SD said, "I didn't send that, another girl was using my phone and she sent that".  That was good enough for DH and MIL.  MIL said "see, you should find out what's going on before you blame SD.  I don't want you to blame her for something she didn't do" Oh ok, so the fact that it was sent at 10 on a Tuesday night. The subject was dropped and DH wont address the matter is closed. That brings me to now.  SD and DD are in the same class.  DD said, SD was late coming back to class. The teacher got mad at her and SD's excuse was she was in the bathroom throwing up.  The teacher snapped back, "you are always throwing up".  That was something strange. I only have know her to throw up once and that was when her dad asked her to clean the bathroom. She got mad and said no she didn't feel good. (she was on her period)  He told her to do and and she went in there and threw up all over the floor and came out with saying see, I told you I was sick.  So he didn't ask her to clean any more.     Tonight the same thing. She's picking at her food and then she finally eats a few big bites.  I was watching her and each bit of spaghetti was strange. She would rummage through moving everything around. finially pick up one strand put it in her mouth and then make a face gulping it down.   When we are done, she runs over to the toilet. She was gaging and throwing up her food.  I go to tell DH. He tells me  "big deal, it was probably just to spicy. It doesn't mean what you think it means." oh ok. So what do you think I should do.

by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 5:45 AM
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Replies (1-10):
afwifeandmommy3
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 5:56 AM
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Well that's alot . She Is trying to control anything thing she can , in constant fear of silence and abandonment is a battle for her daily . Is she in counseling ? Did you adopt her? Curious since that would give you more control . She is angry , broken hearted sad and feels out if control . She needs counseling , anger management and an eating disorder clinic . I believe the vomiting is a sense of control for her . She can't control her emotions or fears so she controls what she can . Has anyone discussed her mothers death and how she feels ? Has she been told its ok to be mad and when she's acting up and says you don't like her do you tell her I love you all the time I just don't always like your behavior
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tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 7:15 AM

Omg.. Definately the child needs some professional grief counseling.   What she has been through was tragic.  I lost my father and its 12 years later that I have a hard time with it.  My ex husband commited suicide and it is something that is really hard to accept.  I didnt witness it so something like that is mind alternating.   I know she may doing things that are annoying but she needs a professional to help her understand why her mother chose this route instead of being here for her.   I have a DS just turned 11.  Him and his friends have awful mouths talk about nasty stuff.. think the cell phones give them way too much freedom.  They text stuff that they would not say allowed.  Its been a constant battle this past week with that same issue.  I learned some shocking stuff about 5th graders!

elliem87
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 7:20 AM
My SD has PTSD too. It is so hard! Stay strong
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 7:39 AM
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Quoting tiredmama42:

Omg.. Definately the child needs some professional grief counseling.   

This. Immediately.


Amy1973Potts
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 8:33 AM
3 moms liked this
Therapy. Like YESTERDAY.
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SavesSpiders
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 8:47 AM
1 mom liked this

Dear MrsHMS,

I'm so sorry.  I'll private message you as well.  I'm in a very similar situation.  My SDs were 10 and 13 when their BM overdosed.  SO and I tried to revive her and so did the paramedics, but it was too late.  My SDs are 15 and 17 now and we've made a lot of progress, but some things will never be "normal."  Sure, every milestone and holiday is hard , but it's the day-to-day stuff that can sneak up on us. 

Again, I'm so sorry and I really do (really really) know what you're going through.  You're a great stepmom for reaching out for help.  I'll private message you with some grief counseling suggestions that actually work (and tell you about those that don't work so well too).

Take care of yourself.


lnr187
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 8:53 AM
1 mom liked this

 well there are a few things here... why is a 10 year old cleaning the bathroom? and why does she have her cell phone with her at 10pm? was it taken away when she sent that text to dd9? and why isn't she doing homework with the other kids? maybe she really was sick if she was picking through her food and then throwing up. if she wanted to throw up to get out of something, she probably would have eaten more so there was actually something to throw up. is she in counseling? she should be. dh and mil are clearly in denial about the text and there isn't a whole lot you can do about that. get sd into counseling quickly. they will help her cope, and they can also talk to you and dh about some of these behaviors. maybe dh wont be in denial anymore if it comes from a 3rd party.

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 8:54 AM
This is very similar to my situation. PM me if you need support!
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MrsHMS
by Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 9:17 AM

 

Thank you all for writing back!group hugI really appreciate you putting the effort into helping me with my home life.  So yes, she was in counceling. Two different counceling sessions. One happened right after for 3 months. The next one happened last year for 12 weeks. I honestly don't know what was discussed. My MIL drove that and was involved with the counseling sessions. She has be the final authority on anything SD related. I did not adopt her. As of this writing no I haven't been talking to her. She answers me is such a rude smart ass way that I don't go out of my way to talk to her. It isnt just me, she answers everyone that way if you talk to her and she doesn't need something from  you her reply is rude. So no I haven't said anything to her for a few days.

Quoting afwifeandmommy3:

Well that's alot . She Is trying to control anything thing she can , in constant fear of silence and abandonment is a battle for her daily . Is she in counseling ? Did you adopt her? Curious since that would give you more control . She is angry , broken hearted sad and feels out if control . She needs counseling , anger management and an eating disorder clinic . I believe the vomiting is a sense of control for her . She can't control her emotions or fears so she controls what she can . Has anyone discussed her mothers death and how she feels ? Has she been told its ok to be mad and when she's acting up and says you don't like her do you tell her I love you all the time I just don't always like your behavior


 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jan. 23, 2013 at 9:54 AM

First, it would help if you'd break that up into paragraphs so it's easier to read.  Some of us have old eyes! ;-)

Second, is your SD getting any kind of counseling for her issues...any at all?

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