Now that I have stepped WAY back

[bertaboo1]

I have noticed DH is taking more responsibility.  Slowly, but he is doing it.  Thank goodness for that! I don't feel that constant pressure of cooking, cleaning, working a full time job, and coming home to 3 children ( I have one, DH has one...and then DH has been one lol!) A lot of the pressure has been lifted from me.  Now that DH is taking more responsibility, I have noticed that his 4 year old has virtually no respect for him. I understand he is 4 and pushing those limits...I went through the same thing with my DD but never to this extreame.  I do realize that ss is a COD at a very young age and is definatly acting out with the different rules of both houses ...but DH is going crazy!  He is super gentle with the child and the child is just super defiant!  That's when DH looses his temper and yells, screams and slams doors.  SS seems to have no respect for him and constantly talks back.  For instance, this morning he got SS up and was getting him dressed.  SS cried and whined the whole time (20 mins) while putting on his clothes.  DH dressed him (although ss can dress himself) and put on his shoes.  SS started screaming that he wanted the other shoes.  DH was running late and said no we have to go.  SS pitched the biggest fit in front of the bedroom door.  DH was speaking gently to him...nice and sweet...no son...you have to be a big boy and go to school now please move away from the door...SS started crying louder telling him NO! I WANT MY OTHER SHOES! I DONT WANNA GO TO SCHOOL!  This lasted for 10 mins!  I got up and left the living room to let the dog out to potty, but heard DH loose his temper and scream at him and pop his behind.  He was still steaming when he put him in the car because I heard both the house door and the car door slam.  I was hoping someone had some advice for DH on how to earn that respect back. Is it possible?  I realize it will take time...probably a lot of time...but maybe other methods rather than blowing up. 

[newstepmom61811]

Keep back! Breathe. They will find they're way. It's hae to watch. DH will eventually get exhausted at himself of blowing up and set boundaries earlier. But SS too needs to learn that if h thinks he's big and bad, there is a much bigger and badder man in the house he will be made to listen to in the house. Daughters and mothers are different than sons and fathers. I have discussed his VERY thing and displays like this in my house with my boys and DH. The therapist says it's normal at that age. The boy is in the Oedipal phase where they are momma's boys and challenge the dad. Dad has to prove he's bigger badder and can control the kid. Eventually, about 7ish the boy flips out of that phase and identifies WITH dad, not against dad. That is where my OSS started becoming DH little shadow and DH became his idol if you will...it was like a damn switch got flipped...like night and day one day...YSS is 5 and still challenges DH daily...I let them battle it out and never rescue my SS. I back my DH, dad is big and bad and SS will mind him until he's out of this house.

[newstepmom61811]

And when it gets to the point where DH has to yell and/or pop SS5s little behind it's because DHs repeated efforts at nice requests have either not been met or have been met with serious attitude. I always go behind and calmly remind SS of this. I ask him why he got spanked or yelled at. He's getting to where he can answer "I didn't listen" or "I didn't do what daddy said" and I say "Yup, that's right, and you don't like it when daddy yells or spanks you do you?" And he always answers "no" and I always tell him "Then make a better choice and do what daddy asks the first time he asks". Now we're to the pint where when I catch him starting to give his dad a hard time all I have to say is "Are you minding your dad? Are you making a good choice right now?" And it usually clicks right away in his head were his behavior is headed and we head off any meltdowns...he's 5, it's a work in progress...

[DDDaysh]

Read books! 1-2-3 Magic is what worked best for me, but there are other great books too and several classes and seminars.

What his son is doing sounds par for the course to me. My son was/is supremely difficult in the morning. I had to make some serious changes in my strategy to stop our mornings from being hell.

[bertaboo1]

Im hoping he will find those boundries sooner rather than later.  DH is a pushover to the pissing off point.  He lets everyone walk over him.  It irks the crap out of me.  If ss wants to "eat" a pop tart he will give it to him knowing he wont eat it (he doesnt like them) and end up crushing it into fine powder on the floor.  DH wont say anything...either clean it up...or previously...ask me to clean it up.  I dont want to jump in after removing myself the last few months.  I want to see DH successful in everything he does.  It just hurts to see him fail so miserably ya know? lol. 

I talked to him this morning about what if's...what if i got you a book? (i knew he wouldnt read it...even offered to read it to him) he was receptive to maybe a parenting class at a church.  Im going to look in to that today.

[bertaboo1]

It just seems like boys are so much harder in their younger years than girls.  I've not really had issues with my DD. Of course we have had our moments...but ss is constantly whining about something.  My nephew was like that.  ALWAYS crying about something.  Drives us insane. Ss is the same.  DH is just livid because everyone has always coddled him.  Ss knows how to demand attention to get what he wants.  He's not a stupid kid by any means.  Dh needs to find that niche and follow through.  I was hoping for a gentle way to do it. A way to provide guidence without doing it for him.  Lord knows that is my biggest problem...I will just do it and then resent that I had to do anything.  I hope that made sence to everyone. 

Quoting DDDaysh:

Read books! 1-2-3 Magic is what worked best for me, but there are other great books too and several classes and seminars.

What his son is doing sounds par for the course to me. My son was/is supremely difficult in the morning. I had to make some serious changes in my strategy to stop our mornings from being hell.

 

[DDDaysh]

I don't know about the boy thing, my son, trouble though he is, is SO SO SO much easier than my SD was, and my cousin who is a girl is at least as difficult to reign in as he is and has way more social drama to go along with it.

For the longest time I really thought all little girls were just difficult. Then my niece was born and she is just so much easier going than any kid I've known for a while.

Quoting bertaboo1:

It just seems like boys are so much harder in their younger years than girls.  I've not really had issues with my DD. Of course we have had our moments...but ss is constantly whining about something.  My nephew was like that.  ALWAYS crying about something.  Drives us insane. Ss is the same.  DH is just livid because everyone has always coddled him.  Ss knows how to demand attention to get what he wants.  He's not a stupid kid by any means.  Dh needs to find that niche and follow through.  I was hoping for a gentle way to do it. A way to provide guidence without doing it for him.  Lord knows that is my biggest problem...I will just do it and then resent that I had to do anything.  I hope that made sence to everyone. 

Quoting DDDaysh:

Read books! 1-2-3 Magic is what worked best for me, but there are other great books too and several classes and seminars.

What his son is doing sounds par for the course to me. My son was/is supremely difficult in the morning. I had to make some serious changes in my strategy to stop our mornings from being hell.

 

[JustaSM231]

Get him scream free parenting. It's a book about keeping your cool with your kids without resorting to yelling. It helps kids manage their emotions by showing them we can manage ours as adults. Other than that, support DH but keep doing what you're doing as far as backing off!

[LittleChitlins3]

Loosing his temper is causing his son not to respect him. My DH did the same thing with SS, his son is slowly starting to respect him more now that DH does not loose his temper & follows through with what he says. For the screaming in front of the door, I would have picked him up and put him in the car, screaming or not. I don't believe in the back & forth, I believe in I tell you to do something & you do it. I don't wait for a child to be ready to do what I tell them to do it. Hope that helps.

[Rae706]

Umm I have a 4 year old and that behavior sounds completely normal. DH needs to stay consistent.

My only suggestion is to make things as cohesive as possible between the two houses.