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BM never keeps promises to kids...how do I handle it?

Posted by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 6:44 PM
  • 22 Replies

Sorry....I am still learning all of the Cafe Mom "shorthand..."

I have 4 wonderful step-kids that I adore.  My husband and I get along well with their mom and we have found a way to navigate through most everything when it comes to dealing with the complexities of our situation.  We even took a vacation together once, but that's a story for another time....:)

The problem is that their mom doesn't keep promises.  When she doesn't, and the kids ask us to step in, it gets awkward.  For example, BM promised to take the 3 girls to get their hair cut.  She asked my husband and I specifically not to do it, because she wanted it to be a mommy-daughter thing.  WEEKS went by, and she still hadn't taken them.

Last weekend, we took the kids to the mall and my huband got his hair cut.  The girls BEGGED to get theirs done too.  My hunband called BM, she threw a fit.  Our oldest girl got on the phone with her and asked her to commit to getting her hair cut on Monday.  BM wouldn't do it.  

To be fair, BM does have some medical challenges that keep her from being able to easily do some of the things my husband and I can do.  That said, we have done everything we can to help make sure she doesn't feel left out of things (see my note above about the vacation), we offer to pay for the extras, etc, but in the end, she wants to have control, but won't follow through.  Our oldest is 11, and I see this being a much bigger problem as the kids grow.  Thoughts?  Suggestions?


by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 6:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
shanlee42
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 7:19 PM

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like there is much you can do other than keep trying to do for the girls what you can.

angirose
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 7:24 PM

 


Quoting shanlee42:

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like there is much you can do other than keep trying to do for the girls what you can.


 This.....we are constantly picking up the pieces as far as bm is concerned. Or even xh is concerned. Eventually the kids will catch on and just stop believeing her promises.

shanlee42
by on Jan. 23, 2013 at 7:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I definitley agree that they will catch on and see what's going on sooner or later.

Quoting angirose:



Quoting shanlee42:

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like there is much you can do other than keep trying to do for the girls what you can.


 This.....we are constantly picking up the pieces as far as bm is concerned. Or even xh is concerned. Eventually the kids will catch on and just stop believeing her promises.


NobleStepMom
by Member on Jan. 23, 2013 at 10:14 PM

I hate when this happens.  Same thing goes on between my SD and her BM.  She went back last summer for a visit and was so stoked that her mom was going to take her to see a Sublime with Rome concert.  When I asked SD about it while she was there, she just kind of shrugged it off (I still to this day don't know why they didn't go...didn't really want to keep pressing on it because it was apparent that SD was upset).  She tells SD things like "I am going to open a business" or "I am getting my GED" and then these things, of course, never end up happening.  I wish she would stick to what she says, or just don't say it at all. 

DDDaysh
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 7:43 PM
3 moms liked this
There isn't anything to handle, it is between BM and the girls. That said, at some point your husband's agreement with BM that he wouldn't cut their hair voided. If he agrees with her about something that needs to be done he needs to give her a deadline, and after that deadline his agreement is voided. That is between him and BM though and separate from her promises to the girls. The girls have to address broken promises with their mother on their own.
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saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 7:55 PM
2 moms liked this
This!! You just give kisses and hugs and take their minds off of it:-) Its a bitch to help pick up the pieces so I fell ya there...


Quoting DDDaysh:

There isn't anything to handle, it is between BM and the girls. That said, at some point your husband's agreement with BM that he wouldn't cut their hair voided. If he agrees with her about something that needs to be done he needs to give her a deadline, and after that deadline his agreement is voided. That is between him and BM though and separate from her promises to the girls. The girls have to address broken promises with their mother on their own.

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saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Jan. 24, 2013 at 7:56 PM
*feel damn...lol
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elliem87
by on Jan. 24, 2013 at 7:59 PM
1 mom liked this
Just support them and try to do something to show you keep your promises
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DDDaysh
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 1:44 AM
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I know, I wish it wasn't so, but you can't fix the other parent, so all you can do is comfort and hope they can find a way to address the issues themselves.

Quoting saywhat2102:

This!! You just give kisses and hugs and take their minds off of it:-) Its a bitch to help pick up the pieces so I fell ya there...




Quoting DDDaysh:

There isn't anything to handle, it is between BM and the girls. That said, at some point your husband's agreement with BM that he wouldn't cut their hair voided. If he agrees with her about something that needs to be done he needs to give her a deadline, and after that deadline his agreement is voided. That is between him and BM though and separate from her promises to the girls. The girls have to address broken promises with their mother on their own.

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AtillaTheHun
by facta, non verba on Jan. 25, 2013 at 1:57 AM
1 mom liked this

I donĀ“t agree with what someone else said about dumping it on the kids to handle the issue with BM breaking her promises. They are too young and shouldn't be put in the middle of this mess. If it takes an emotional toll on the girls, the father has every right to do what would have been BMs job (based on her promise) after some time has passed and nothing happened. There is no need for the father to play nice and let BM throw a fit when she cannot manage to get the girls a haircut in three weeks. If they needed a haircut, he needs to tell BM "look, you promised you would take them. That was 3 weeks ago. It will be taken care of NOW." 

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