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FURIOUS!!!!!! FREAKING OUT!!!

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 5:39 PM
  • 38 Replies

This is a continuation on my other posts...

So DH goes and takes SD15 out to lunch today to explain to her our plan for her future and that we are not going to simply allow her to move back to her mom's house.  Background - mom just got son back in August, had another baby in October, is on subsidized housing and welfare, still has meth addicts come into her home and Children's Aid is still involved in her life.

DH and I make a lot of money together, but then again, we WORK for it!  After DH's talk with SD at lunch, SD says that she doesn't care and wants to live with mom.  DH says "well what about our relationship" and SD replies "well you are rich so I can see you whenever I want."

SD has no rules when she is there, BM is not really a parent in the first place who dropped out at Grade 8 and got pregnant at 15 - so she really doesn't care about school, BM doesn't even have a room for SD and when SD just visited she slept in BM's bed or on the couch. 

Spoke to BM's children's aid worker today and she said that there really isn't much that they would be able to do but because they know BM is struggling with the two she has right now, if SD went rampid, which she would with no supervision from BM, then they would have to consider taking one of her other kids away.

I just can't believe this is all happening.  DH and I think that BM and now SD are just after our money somehow because we would have to pay $1800/month in child support to a b**** who sits on her ass.  Did I mention BM hasn't paid a dime for SD in 4 years?  We have suffered these past 4 years with SD's behaviour because her mom was in and out of rehab and chose meth over her kids, and now they want to screw us and BM wants to f*** up our family?  This is the most stability SD has ever had in her whole entire life and she wants to throw it all away and BM wants to take it all away?  I don't know how to feel right now - I am furious, pissed off, upset, sad, livid...FREAKING OUT!!!

by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 5:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mom2crazytween
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 5:44 PM

man, i would have been slapped out of my chair for comments like that toward my parents. i know i'm not much help, but how would BM even be considered fit to take on SD in the eyes of the court?

NobleStepMom
by Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 5:47 PM

 I don't think she would be.  CO in Alberta gives sole custody to DH with BM's consent on it.  BM lives in Ontario.  I don't know that a court would grant anything to her especially given her past - but SD is about to turn 15 and it's like what do you do?  Do you keep her from seeing her mom and then she hates us and makes our lives a living hell for the next 3 years?  Does she run away because we try to keep her here?  Does she go see BM this summer for a visit and SD decides not to come back or BM tries to pull a fast one and file papers in Ontario while she is there?  I am so at a loss right now.  How can a child be so unappreciative of the parents who have always been there for her and turn her back on them for a parent who has always put drugs/partying/friends before her?


Quoting mom2crazytween:

man, i would have been slapped out of my chair for comments like that toward my parents. i know i'm not much help, but how would BM even be considered fit to take on SD in the eyes of the court?


 

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 5:49 PM
1 mom liked this

 she shouldnt be able to decide that, espcially since she has cps on her back. tell sd no ^shrug^

SammyJK
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 5:56 PM
You need to consult a lawyer and find out if bm can even do that the way you feel she might. That way, at least there is one thing you will know for sure.
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amylulu1
by Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 5:59 PM
1 mom liked this

 I agree with faerie on this one.  Ever heard the saying "want in one hand and sh*t in other and see which one fills up first"?  I think that applies perfectly here.  She is 15 and still a child.  The decision is not hers.  She may not understand why now, but she will later-and probably thank you guys for it.  Good luck.  Don't let it get you too riled up...she's just a kid who wants to do what she pleases and sees that can happen at Mom's.   

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 6:02 PM
2 moms liked this

I think your biggest problem is you think BM is trying to "F%^&%$" up your family. Like as long as SD lives there then you have your happy little family. I think you need to step back and realize the mom is SD family too and BM is SD's family. It is highly unlikely that BM wants to "tear your family apart".

Pero1
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 6:08 PM

I don't know whether I can contribute much to this debate ... but in principle, it's a "nurture vs. nature" issue!

I had a friend (male) who was CP to two girls ...raised them on his own because the BM was an alcoholic ... violence in front of the kids, the most unbelievable story!

Anyway, on paper he is still CP ... the girls (early teens) now live with mom ... a long battle (not through the court system, because he would have won there) ... mom won, the girls didn't want to hear, didn't want to acknowledge the sacrifices he made.

The only  thing I can advise that your DH should stop separating his relationship with your SD from the one BM has with her ...an "either her or me" isn't a good idea. Maybe just try to increase contact with BM whilst cutting off funds ... life in a trailer might not be fun after all!

sassy711
by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 6:15 PM
2 moms liked this

1) SD is a teenager and wants to live with her mom, who by the way will give SD something she wants more than anything else in the world right now....freedom

2) BM may or may not be involved in this as well as an attempt to get money from your DH.  That's an issue for an attorney.  Get one now!! 

3)  Most courts will allow a child over a certain age to make the decision on which parent to live with.  Your DH's attorney needs to be able to document everything BM has and hasn't done.  This may involve SD hearing it all in court/mediation.

4) DH has to act in the best interest of the child even though the child will hate him (and you) while she's still a teen.  Consider family counseling ASAP to get to the root of this issue.

My girls told me once that they wanted to go live with their dad.  We discussed it at length.  I had them draw up a list of pros and cons about living with their dad and living with me.  I did the same.  Their bottom line was that they felt left out of their dad's "new life" and the fact that he didn't spend much time with them when they did visit.  I countered all their pros with my cons (dad works 60+ hours/week) etc...  This got them thinking instead of emoting.  I ended up telling them that I didn't believe it would be in their best interest (many many other issues that I didn't divulge to them) to live with their dad, and it was my job to do what was best for them.  Bottom line...they stayed with me and never again mentioned it as kids.  Now that they're older they've told me that looking back they understood why I wouldn't "let" them live with dad and thanked me for that decision.  Of course there have been other decisions they still get on me for.  Oh well. 

The point is that sometimes and in some situations, adults have to decide what's best for a kid (teens aren't the most logical or rational creatures) even though the kid will be angry.  That's what being a parent means.  Good luck

NobleStepMom
by Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 6:22 PM

Actually, that is what she has tried to do the whole 8 years we have been together...she has always tried to put a wedge between us.  These last 4 years we have bridged all the gaps to her having access - even when children's aid said she couldn't have unsupervised access we had the b**** come here for 2 weeks in the summer, setting aside all of our differences for the sake of SD.  When SD was living with her, she would call us every name in the book and say that we are POS's and would always try to block access and make our lives difficult. 

What she should be doing is be thinking rationally and determining what is best for SD - which isn't a household where meth addicts are paying a regular visit that's for damn sure!


Quoting soonergirl980:

I think your biggest problem is you think BM is trying to "F%^&%$" up your family. Like as long as SD lives there then you have your happy little family. I think you need to step back and realize the mom is SD family too and BM is SD's family. It is highly unlikely that BM wants to "tear your family apart".


 

NobleStepMom
by Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 6:26 PM

I just responded to another post saying that we have done nothing but try to facilitate visitations with her BM, even had BM stay at our house for 2 weeks one summer when children's aid wouldn't let SD go there for a visit because BM was deemed as unfit.

Just at Christmas past we paid $300 towards the flights because BM couldn't afford it.  We have always been the one encouraging their relationship even though when BM had SD she would always be difficult in us having access to SD just to be a bitch.  She would even blackmail us saying "If you don't take me grocery shopping you are not seeing SD" or "If you don't give me money so I can buy SD xmas presents, you can forget about seeing her for xmas"

But after all of the shit we have gone through these past 4 years with BM being a meth addict and having her kids taken away and every piece of pain this has caused SD and her lashing out as us as a result - this is bullshit!!!

Quoting Pero1:

I don't know whether I can contribute much to this debate ... but in principle, it's a "nurture vs. nature" issue!

I had a friend (male) who was CP to two girls ...raised them on his own because the BM was an alcoholic ... violence in front of the kids, the most unbelievable story!

Anyway, on paper he is still CP ... the girls (early teens) now live with mom ... a long battle (not through the court system, because he would have won there) ... mom won, the girls didn't want to hear, didn't want to acknowledge the sacrifices he made.

The only  thing I can advise that your DH should stop separating his relationship with your SD from the one BM has with her ...an "either her or me" isn't a good idea. Maybe just try to increase contact with BM whilst cutting off funds ... life in a trailer might not be fun after all!


 

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