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ponderings......

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 7:19 PM
  • 121 Replies
8 moms liked this

Reading over some posts today got me thinking.....

Lately theres been an increase of posts about problems with SKs, and posts by BMS saying how terrible these SMs are for having negative feelings about their SKs, etc etc....

I just think its quite funny, and a bit ironic, that these same BMs who bitch all day in and day out about how SMs need to know their place, we arent a parent, we have no rights/say/blah blah blah, we cant love our SKs like out own....then they turn around and condemn SMs for not wanting anything to do with their SKs. 

Now in my house, I am a parent to SS.  I can honestly say that I do love him as my own, and am very involved in his life.  Bio and Step kids are treated equally in every way here.

But if I lived in a home where my SS was given special treatment, didnt have to follow the same rules asthe other kids in the house, where I didnt get support from my SO and wasnt treated as an adult with equal authority in my own home, I could see myself having some pretty negative feelings towards my steplife.

 In fact I have said before that if thats how it was, SS would not be able to come to my house for any length of time, and my SO would have to take his parenting time elsewhere, because I wont have a child in my house who does not get treated like the others and does not have to treat me with the utmost respect for an adult and as a parental figure.  But I also made sure that J and I were on the same page about everything before we even considered moving in together.  

bottom line is, if you dont want SM to be a parent to your kids, if you insist on fostering a sitch where your kids SM is treated as less than a parent, or alienated or blocked in any way from developing a strong parental relationship with your kids-you really have no right to be upset if SM doesnt like, doesnt want to be arround, or even despises your kids.  

Ive never in my life met a SM who actually wanted to BE their SKs mom.  Ive met plenty of insecure BMs though who jump in feet first hating SM before even knowing their name, doing everything they can to keep SM as "just dads wife".....and then get offended if SM doesnt worship the ground SKs walk on.

You cant have it both ways.  You either want your kids to have a happy, healthy, loving home with their dad and SM, or you dont, and if you dont, that says LOADS about how insecure you are as a mother.


But at the same time, my mind is also wandering thinking about how much simpler things would be if two adults actually took the time to get on the same page BEFORE blending families, making sure parenting styles and values are compatible, etc....

Even better. if people would just slow the fuck down and make sure they are compatible with the person they are having kids with to begin with.....which leads me to think about how it would be nice if BC were mandatory for every human being until you prove youre ready intellectually and financially, to have children....

gah....I think too much

by on Jan. 25, 2013 at 7:19 PM
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Replies (1-10):
NobleStepMom
by Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 7:40 PM

Well said!

If BC were mandatory, many people wouldn't be ruining the lives of innocent children who didn't ask to br brought into this world.  I mean, mistakes happen - granted, but it's not difficult to not get pregnant.  Some people are just simply irresponsible and then it's the child who has to suffer with incompatible or separated parents.

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 7:50 PM

So either step parents get parental status or they shouldn't like the kid?? talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water. No one is saying a sp can't LOVE" the kid. I love love lots of kids but I don't love them like I love my kids or like their parents love them and I don't expect parental status.

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 7:59 PM

Really?  thats all you got out of that?  

Try again. 


Quoting soonergirl980:

So either step parents get parental status or they shouldn't like the kid?? talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water. No one is saying a sp can't LOVE" the kid. I love love lots of kids but I don't love them like I love my kids or like their parents love them and I don't expect parental status.



soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:12 PM



Quoting luckystars2012:

Reading over some posts today got me thinking.....

Lately theres been an increase of posts about problems with SKs, and posts by BMS saying how terrible these SMs are for having negative feelings about their SKs, etc etc....

I just think its quite funny, and a bit ironic, that these same BMs who bitch all day in and day out about how SMs need to know their place, we arent a parent, we have no rights/say/blah blah blah, we cant love our SKs like out own....then they turn around and condemn SMs for not wanting anything to do with their SKs.  Throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Now in my house, I am a parent to SS.  I can honestly say that I do love him as my own, and am very involved in his life.  Bio and Step kids are treated equally in every way here.

But if I lived in a home where my SS was given special treatment, didnt have to follow the same rules asthe other kids in the house, where I didnt get support from my SO and wasnt treated as an adult with equal authority in my own home, I could see myself having some pretty negative feelings towards my steplife.

 In fact I have said before that if thats how it was, SS would not be able to come to my house for any length of time, and my SO would have to take his parenting time elsewhere, because I wont have a child in my house who does not get treated like the others and does not have to treat me with the utmost respect for an adult and as a parental figure. So either you get parental status or ss isn't welcome in your home. But I also made sure that J and I were on the same page about everything before we even considered moving in together.  

bottom line is, if you dont want SM to be a parent to your kids, if you insist on fostering a sitch where your kids SM is treated as less than a parent, or alienated or blocked in any way from developing a strong parental relationship with your kids-you really have no right to be upset if SM doesnt like, doesnt want to be arround, or even despises your kids I can be around, love, not expected to be treated like a parent with lots of kids nor do I need to love them as my own to not "despise them".

Ive never in my life met a SM who actually wanted to BE their SKs mom.  Ive met plenty of insecure BMs though who jump in feet first hating SM before even knowing their name, doing everything they can to keep SM as "just dads wife".....and then get offended if SM doesnt worship the ground SKs walk on.

You cant have it both ways.  You either want your kids to have a happy, healthy, loving home with their dad and SM, or you dont, and if you dont, that says LOADS about how insecure you are as a mother.



But at the same time, my mind is also wandering thinking about how much simpler things would be if two adults actually took the time to get on the same page BEFORE blending families, making sure parenting styles and values are compatible, etc....

Even better. if people would just slow the fuck down and make sure they are compatible with the person they are having kids with to begin with.....which leads me to think about how it would be nice if BC were mandatory for every human being until you prove youre ready intellectually and financially, to have children....

gah....I think too much

Where exactly would you like me to try again?


chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:23 PM
Why would having a loving happy home with dad REQUIRE sm to over step?

Because that's is where the line is. Are you saying a sm CANNOT love a child she does not have full control over? Because that is kinda sick. No bm or sm here ever said dont love a child. I know I can love my step kids even though I don't overstep on BM's rights and responsibilities. I can help dh and correct poor behavior. I can tuck a kid in and hold their hair while they puke. I seriously doubt bm or dh would care. In fact they might think it was cool.

But it is said all the time: if you are doing things that cause conflict, stop. If you are resenting the child or feeling badly because everyone has "dumped on you". Stop. If dh has a different parenting style, he also has a right to parent his way. And if forcing yours on the situation is causing conflict. Stop.

When did treating a child well and loving them require that you have full say or must be an equal parent?

I love my cousins. I am not their parent. I love my neice and nephew and will correct poor behavior and tuck them in and cuddle with them. Don't have to be a parent to make them dinner.

When I have grandkids, the title "grandma" has "ma" in it and yet their mother will still be their mother.

Are you really saying that either stepmoms have full control and must be a parent or they cannot love the step kids and treat them well? I think that is strange.

And while I agree that perfect agreement between adults is nice, that doesn't always happen even in nuclear families.
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GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:26 PM
3 moms liked this
I read the same thing.

What essentially is going on really is the kid acts like what the parent allows, thus SP hates the kid. The issue isn't the kid, it's the ineffective parenting of the SP spouse. It's just easier to blame the kid because "oh my gosh my DH is a great parent it's not his fault the kid has issues and it's allllllll BM fault even though she isn't here", BLAH! Kids act like they are allowed to. If your spouse lets his kids act like monkeys in a zoo it is his or her fault, not the kid.


Quoting soonergirl980:

So either step parents get parental status or they shouldn't like the kid?? talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water. No one is saying a sp can't LOVE" the kid. I love love lots of kids but I don't love them like I love my kids or like their parents love them and I don't expect parental status.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:26 PM
1 mom liked this

I think it says a lot about your true feelings about your stepchild if you will not allow them into your home unless you have full parental status.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:29 PM
I agree.


Quoting soonergirl980:

I think it says a lot about your true feelings about your stepchild if you will not allow them into your home unless you have full parental status.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:29 PM

No, I'm not saying that a SM cant love a child who she doesnt have parental control over. 

Sooner is as usual, missing the point enitrely.  Im talking about when BMs foster negativity, insist that SM never be anything more than "dads wife" and then get upset when SM ends up not giving two shits about the SKs, or not wanting them around because they treat SM like crap due to BMs influence.  



Quoting chanizen:

Why would having a loving happy home with dad REQUIRE sm to over step?

Because that's is where the line is. Are you saying a sm CANNOT love a child she does not have full control over? Because that is kinda sick. No bm or sm here ever said dont love a child. I know I can love my step kids even though I don't overstep on BM's rights and responsibilities. I can help dh and correct poor behavior. I can tuck a kid in and hold their hair while they puke. I seriously doubt bm or dh would care. In fact they might think it was cool.

But it is said all the time: if you are doing things that cause conflict, stop. If you are resenting the child or feeling badly because everyone has "dumped on you". Stop.

When did treating a child well and loving them require that you have full say? I love my cousins. I am not their parent. I love my neice and nephew and will correct poor behavior and tuck them in and cuddle with them. Don't have to be a parent to make them dinner.

When I have grandkids, the title "grandma" has "ma" in it and yet their mother will still be their mother.

Are you really saying that either stepmoms have full control and must be a parent or they cannot love the step kids and treat them well? I think that is strange.



luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jan. 25, 2013 at 8:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I tend to lean more towards saying that (in most cases) the parent with primary custody is the most to blame for the kids everyday actions and attitude.  If kid only sees dad and SM EOWE, and the entire time kid is with mom, mom is being negative about SM, then all the "good parenting" in the world isnt going to help dad during his 4 days a month, the kid is going to act how mom taught him/her to act.

in sitches with more equal parenting time both parents can be looked at but one parent almost alwasy has more influence than the other.


Quoting GlockMom:

I read the same thing.

What essentially is going on really is the kid acts like what the parent allows, thus SP hates the kid. The issue isn't the kid, it's the ineffective parenting of the SP spouse. It's just easier to blame the kid because "oh my gosh my DH is a great parent it's not his fault the kid has issues and it's allllllll BM fault even though she isn't here", BLAH! Kids act like they are allowed to. If your spouse lets his kids act like monkeys in a zoo it is his or her fault, not the kid.


Quoting soonergirl980:

So either step parents get parental status or they shouldn't like the kid?? talk about throwing the baby out with the bath water. No one is saying a sp can't LOVE" the kid. I love love lots of kids but I don't love them like I love my kids or like their parents love them and I don't expect parental status.




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