Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

addendum to "love them like your own"

Posted by   + Show Post

 Still have many many ladies swearing they lovem like their own. Even getting insulted.

But yet, every single day on this forum we are littered with posts about how many SM's used to love them like their own.....until they entered their teens and now they are using this forum to help teach them how to disengage.

Not to mention all the blabber about how you would NEVER let your taxes go to pay your husbands arrearages for these children you love like your own. Fucked up huh?

Then lets add in the fact that the same women answering the other post will not pitch in a dime towards a college fund for the shitty teens they are going to hate and disengage from someday.

Post after post after post in this forum and others like it, fly's in the face of this "Love them like my own" statement that gets thrown around.

In fact......there isnt alot of any kind of love for these children on this forum. Not the kind a REAL parent would have.

Older and wiser voices can always help you find the right path, if only you are willing to listen. - Jimmy Buffet
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 2:18 PM
Replies (31-40):
bertaboo1
by Silver Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 5:55 PM
1 mom liked this
This is why I think when everybody posted disengage for me it was super bad advice...disengage from bms stupid asshollery yes...disengage from ss...bad idea...make dh do everything for his son and me do nothing ...bad advice ...learning to engage dh more to lessen my load...good idea...once I learned that ...things had been easier the last few weeks emotionally for me...disengaging from skids is bad advice IMO and toxic for the poor kids caught in the middle


Quoting newstepmom61811:

What I would look closely at is if the same women are saying they love them like their own and then posting to disengage. If indeed the posters are one in the same you have a point. If not you are lumping two different extremes of SM into one pool and getting a misrepresentation...

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jan. 26, 2013 at 5:56 PM
I think they might feel this early on sometimes and if you don't have someone to check you (like SMC) then they "delusional"part comes in and SM feels later on something like ,"whoa! I was delusional to think that I loved my skids as my own. (Bc let's say,skids get harder or BM comes back in the picture)

That was crazy talk! (Sm says to herself as she realizes she doesn't live them as her own)

My nephew is technically not blood,but I was the first to hold him. He's exactly like my blood nieces. So I do believe there's SP's in certain stitches(most likely no BP in the picture) that do love them like their own. IMO.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 6:00 PM
2 moms liked this

What about bio parents that do not contribute financially to their chilren whatsoever, or who send them off to live with the other parent when their kids become rebellious teenagers? Same thing, right?

I have never personally claimed I love my skids like my own, because I don't have any of my own, but I do think my love for them is similar to that of parent. I also am the main financial provider for them and currently have a 11 yr old SD who has begun to act like a bratty pre-teen yet I still love her and she still lives with me. I also have a 13 yr old SD who has mild autism and behavioral challenges but she will be coming back to live with us next year, because BM could not handle her (she has only been there for this school year, she previously lived with us).

newstepmom61811
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 6:02 PM
1 mom liked this
Oh the advice here is bad. Took it to a therapist. Not impressed with what was advised on this site. She found the advice very poor and ineffective at creating functional homes. In the last weeks I've way toned down my activity and interest. Some of the advice I tried following here early on blew up in my home. The only advice the therapist said was remotely positive were the recommendations to cut off contact between BMs and SMs if communication was contentious. Otherwise she found much of the advice and approaches quite pathologic.


Quoting bertaboo1:

This is why I think when everybody posted disengage for me it was super bad advice...disengage from bms stupid asshollery yes...disengage from ss...bad idea...make dh do everything for his son and me do nothing ...bad advice ...learning to engage dh more to lessen my load...good idea...once I learned that ...things had been easier the last few weeks emotionally for me...disengaging from skids is bad advice IMO and toxic for the poor kids caught in the middle




Quoting newstepmom61811:

What I would look closely at is if the same women are saying they love them like their own and then posting to disengage. If indeed the posters are one in the same you have a point. If not you are lumping two different extremes of SM into one pool and getting a misrepresentation...


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
mom2boys664
by Bronze Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 6:02 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree that many people toss that phrase around, although as a BM it doesnt really push my buttons or get me excited. Many biological parents are not as devoted to their kids as I personally believe you should be, and many don' t financially support their kids. Actions are what is important to me, so if you want to love my kid like your own- great, I hope you will. And I hope your actions will support your proclamation of love. 

As to the people who say it isn't possible or it in some way takes away from your bio kids, I disagree. But it is rare, an  it isn't something that happens instantly.. I was stepmother to two wonderful boys for 11 years before I had my son, and other than one school year with the oldest, I was never CSM, and they have  a great BM. And yet my love for them feels like my love for my ds, I can't imagine loving them more. My ds is 7 now, I am divorced from their father, and still I love them. I am still in their life, would do anything for them, they could live with me, could ask me for anything and I would be there for them anytime for any reason. My love is unconditional, which is what it should be for your own children.

My new stepchildren do not have BM in their life,  and I am mom to them. I love them without a doubt, but I cannot say I yet "I love them lilke my own", but I hope that we will grow into that relationship, it' s not something you can force. I hope to adopt them and I am committed to them, I take great care to treat them the same as I do ds. 

The point is if you are going to toss that phrase around, back it up with action, put your money where your mouth is, and be honest. It' s ok and doesn't make you a bad SM if you love your kids more.

KLBrown
by Bronze Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 6:11 PM
I am with you. I don't love them like my own. I love them much the same way I love my nephews. I am absolutely there for them when they need me, but certainly not at the expense of my own kids.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
bertaboo1
by Silver Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 6:19 PM
It's not just bad its toxic... I think it's terrible that some people would come in here and give terrible advice to people actually asking for help... this is why I leave some advice alone...


Quoting newstepmom61811:

Oh the advice here is bad. Took it to a therapist. Not impressed with what was advised on this site. She found the advice very poor and ineffective at creating functional homes. In the last weeks I've way toned down my activity and interest. Some of the advice I tried following here early on blew up in my home. The only advice the therapist said was remotely positive were the recommendations to cut off contact between BMs and SMs if communication was contentious. Otherwise she found much of the advice and approaches quite pathologic.




Quoting bertaboo1:

This is why I think when everybody posted disengage for me it was super bad advice...disengage from bms stupid asshollery yes...disengage from ss...bad idea...make dh do everything for his son and me do nothing ...bad advice ...learning to engage dh more to lessen my load...good idea...once I learned that ...things had been easier the last few weeks emotionally for me...disengaging from skids is bad advice IMO and toxic for the poor kids caught in the middle






Quoting newstepmom61811:

What I would look closely at is if the same women are saying they love them like their own and then posting to disengage. If indeed the posters are one in the same you have a point. If not you are lumping two different extremes of SM into one pool and getting a misrepresentation...



Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Lorena
by Bronze Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 6:48 PM
Ok I had posted in the other post. Yes, I help to financially support my SKs when I personally have money but I am a sahm for all the kids. But do do some at home stuff to bring in extra money and other at home things like now. I match every penny that I put into my bio kids collage funds into my SKs funds. They are also in my will.
My dh has custody of his kids so he doesn't pay cs but if he did I would help him pay it. Bm has given us maybe 200 in the past 11 mos. That the kids have lived with us. I helped pay for the lawyers, spent hours of my own time searching for them, went to every court hearing, cried with dh at night, and was just as excited when I found them both times as he was. So yes I love them as much as my own. I have and will continue to help support them emotionally, physically, and financially just as I do with my own bio children.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
TJandKarasMom
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 7:23 PM

I can agree to a point, but not in my situation. 

My SD is a little brat, lol.  She is only 9.5 but acts 16 with her attitude all to often.  I snap at her, I punish/discipline her, I yell, I teach, I talk, and on and on.  I imagine if I had a bio DD I would do the same, we would butt heads bc we would be alike, much why SD and I butt heads too often.  DH and I have talked about paying for college, buying first cars, all those fun things as they get older, and we have decided on the same for ALL kids, my DS, his DD, and any children we may have in the future.  Our future children may get luckier because we hopefully will have better jobs with better income at that point.  However, our decisions are always made around THE KIDS, not one or the other.  I never do for one and not for the other.  Our kids are only 11 months apart, so they are mostly treated the same.  Although SD can be unlikeable at times, I still plan to pay for half of her first car (up to a certain amount) and I have a college fund for each of them that they don't know about and won't know about until they graduate.  Our plan is to save as much as possible and as a graduation gift pay off as much of their student loans as possible.  We also plan to help with books and small things while they are going to school as long as their grades are good.  I plan this for my SD and my DS.  It's only fair, and I love them both and we try to treat them very fairly. 

I will come on here and complain about SD.  It's my chance to vent, bc I would never tell either of my children I am hating them at that moment.  But I might not like them at some points and I'll complain about SD here and DS in some other forum.  Typically though when I am complaining on here it is about BM, not SD.  When I complain about her it's about her as my DD, just being an annoying kid.  Not bc she is my SD but just because she can be damn annoying.

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 7:48 PM
1 mom liked this

 It's funny you say this.  I do not love SD like my own.  I have my own and realize it's a different kind of love love... still very powerful but also different.  I do love her.  Very much.  More than any other kid in the world that I did not give birth to... but it's still a different kind of love.

That said... I couldn't be with a man who was behind on CS for no legitimate reason and if he did get behind for a legitimate reason (losing a job, injury...etc...) you can bet your butt I'd help him get caught up any way I could... because I made a commitment to my family and she is part of that.

I also could never see myself disengaging because SD and I get along really well but if it ever did come down to that... I'd still be providing for her what she needs. 

 I'd make sure she got to school if I was a SAHM and DH had to be to work before any of us even got up.

I'd continue to cook meals for the entire family and not tell DH "your kid, your problem."

Things that are necessary for her health and well-being I would still continue to do.  I would never completely ignore her when she is in my home because, well, she's a frickin' teenager and that's their game... I'm a darn adult and I act like it (most of the time.... :P ...)

 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)