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addendum to "love them like your own"

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 Still have many many ladies swearing they lovem like their own. Even getting insulted.

But yet, every single day on this forum we are littered with posts about how many SM's used to love them like their own.....until they entered their teens and now they are using this forum to help teach them how to disengage.

Not to mention all the blabber about how you would NEVER let your taxes go to pay your husbands arrearages for these children you love like your own. Fucked up huh?

Then lets add in the fact that the same women answering the other post will not pitch in a dime towards a college fund for the shitty teens they are going to hate and disengage from someday.

Post after post after post in this forum and others like it, fly's in the face of this "Love them like my own" statement that gets thrown around.

In fact......there isnt alot of any kind of love for these children on this forum. Not the kind a REAL parent would have.

Older and wiser voices can always help you find the right path, if only you are willing to listen. - Jimmy Buffet
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 2:18 PM
Replies (41-50):
baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 7:51 PM

 I was going to just hit "like" but, wanted to tell you that I really like this reply and is in my opinion one of the most healthy replies so far I have seen.

Quoting AmericanDream:

 It's funny you say this.  I do not love SD like my own.  I have my own and realize it's a different kind of love love... still very powerful but also different.  I do love her.  Very much.  More than any other kid in the world that I did not give birth to... but it's still a different kind of love.

That said... I couldn't be with a man who was behind on CS for no legitimate reason and if he did get behind for a legitimate reason (losing a job, injury...etc...) you can bet your butt I'd help him get caught up any way I could... because I made a commitment to my family and she is part of that.

I also could never see myself disengaging because SD and I get along really well but if it ever did come down to that... I'd still be providing for her what she needs. 

 I'd make sure she got to school if I was a SAHM and DH had to be to work before any of us even got up.

I'd continue to cook meals for the entire family and not tell DH "your kid, your problem."

Things that are necessary for her health and well-being I would still continue to do.  I would never completely ignore her when she is in my home because, well, she's a frickin' teenager and that's their game... I'm a darn adult and I act like it (most of the time.... :P ...)

 

 

NobleStepMom
by Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:06 PM

Okay, so I definitely agree with some of what you are saying, however, I don't think it is fair to just lump everyone who is speaking about their SK's into one group.

I do agree with what you say about how can someone say one thing and do another.  But I will tell you first hand a few things about myself:

1.  I do not have any bio children of my own (yet).

2.  I have been a part of SD's life since she was 6 (15 next month) and have been raising her with DH for the past 4 years.

3.  Even though she is a teenager doing some things that are very irritating to me right now and sometimes I feel like running away, I am still here and not going anywhere and am definitely not in agreement with this "disengagement" term that is being thrown around.  How can a real parent really disengage?  Isn't that kind of an oxymoron or something?

4.  DH and I have a joint account and there is no "you pay for her, she is your daughter" talk that goes around our house.  In fact, the ironic thing about your post is that DH and I have an appointment with the bank on Monday to set up an RESP so we can start saving some money for her college/university education.

5.  If I didn't love SD like I suspect I would love a child of my own (can only suspect as I don't actually have any yet) then I wouldn't be willing to keep her here with DH and I for the next 3 years so she doesn't screw up her life by going back to BM's (who is unfit btw) despite the fact that she will probably make our lives a living hell for these few years to come.  I have been thinking about this a lot lately and while it would be easier to just give in and let her go live with BM and mess up her life, I would rather her hate me and DH for the next 3 years and thank us in 10, then to see her mess up her life and turn out like her mother.

SD drives me nuts sometimes and I do think she is very naive and is letting her emotions get in the way of her common sense when it comes to this whole wanting to move back to BM's place, however, I am her parent who loves her like you wouldn't believe and sometimes being a parent and loving a child is not an easy thing, but that is what is called doing right by your children.  She is my daughter who I share with DH and her BM and to me it makes no difference that she didn't come from my womb, she is a part of me and I love her all the same :)

notuseless
by Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 8:07 PM

i am a csm and i have started a college fund for them i got a 2nd job to be able to afford it, i chose to become a csm and i love them.

times will get hard, my heart will be broken. the worst part is no matter how much i do for my step kids i will have some birth mom who has no idea what i do for my step kids or how much i love them and sacrifice for them tell me i cannot love them like their birth mom. it is not which vagina they came out of its who kisses them goodnight and chases away their monsters, and if they are lucky they wont just have one mom they will have two.

yes they come here to vent because they are not given the support at home. if i tell anyone who is not a step what im dealing with i get the answer "well they are not yours, or you should have thought about that before you married a man with kids" well im sorry i did not think that my step kid would steal from me or that her birth mom would tell her she could.  the women here have delt with it and worse we do the work but get no reward.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 12:42 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm not using my child tax credit that I get for MY kids to pay arrearage for SO's kids (he doesn't have any arrearage) but then again I don't claim to love them "like my own".
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kellynh
by Kelly on Jan. 27, 2013 at 2:09 AM
1 mom liked this

My skids come here once a month for a weekend. Every other holiday and 7 weeks in the summer. I absolutely do not love them like my own, and I imagine if I claimed I did.... Even DH would think I was crazy!! 

liltigersmom
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 9:50 AM
Awesome awesome post.

Quoting AmericanDream:

 It's funny you say this.  I do not love SD like my own.  I have my own and realize it's a different kind of love love... still very powerful but also different.  I do love her.  Very much.  More than any other kid in the world that I did not give birth to... but it's still a different kind of love.


That said... I couldn't be with a man who was behind on CS for no legitimate reason and if he did get behind for a legitimate reason (losing a job, injury...etc...) you can bet your butt I'd help him get caught up any way I could... because I made a commitment to my family and she is part of that.


I also could never see myself disengaging because SD and I get along really well but if it ever did come down to that... I'd still be providing for her what she needs. 


 I'd make sure she got to school if I was a SAHM and DH had to be to work before any of us even got up.


I'd continue to cook meals for the entire family and not tell DH "your kid, your problem."


Things that are necessary for her health and well-being I would still continue to do.  I would never completely ignore her when she is in my home because, well, she's a frickin' teenager and that's their game... I'm a darn adult and I act like it (most of the time.... :P ...)


 

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liltigersmom
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 9:52 AM
I'm not a big fan of disengaging from skids.
disengaging from an ex, sm, bm is more the way to go.


Quoting newstepmom61811:

Oh the advice here is bad. Took it to a therapist. Not impressed with what was advised on this site. She found the advice very poor and ineffective at creating functional homes. In the last weeks I've way toned down my activity and interest. Some of the advice I tried following here early on blew up in my home. The only advice the therapist said was remotely positive were the recommendations to cut off contact between BMs and SMs if communication was contentious. Otherwise she found much of the advice and approaches quite pathologic.




Quoting bertaboo1:

This is why I think when everybody posted disengage for me it was super bad advice...disengage from bms stupid asshollery yes...disengage from ss...bad idea...make dh do everything for his son and me do nothing ...bad advice ...learning to engage dh more to lessen my load...good idea...once I learned that ...things had been easier the last few weeks emotionally for me...disengaging from skids is bad advice IMO and toxic for the poor kids caught in the middle






Quoting newstepmom61811:

What I would look closely at is if the same women are saying they love them like their own and then posting to disengage. If indeed the posters are one in the same you have a point. If not you are lumping two different extremes of SM into one pool and getting a misrepresentation...


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baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Jan. 27, 2013 at 9:55 AM

 I am all for disengaging. But not in a physical way. More, mental. For ones own sanity. I wouldnt ever stop caring and doing for a child. But I have stopped worrying so much about his future to which I have no control over. (NCSM)

Quoting liltigersmom:

I'm not a big fan of disengaging from skids.
disengaging from an ex, sm, bm is more the way to go.


Quoting newstepmom61811:

Oh the advice here is bad. Took it to a therapist. Not impressed with what was advised on this site. She found the advice very poor and ineffective at creating functional homes. In the last weeks I've way toned down my activity and interest. Some of the advice I tried following here early on blew up in my home. The only advice the therapist said was remotely positive were the recommendations to cut off contact between BMs and SMs if communication was contentious. Otherwise she found much of the advice and approaches quite pathologic.




Quoting bertaboo1:

This is why I think when everybody posted disengage for me it was super bad advice...disengage from bms stupid asshollery yes...disengage from ss...bad idea...make dh do everything for his son and me do nothing ...bad advice ...learning to engage dh more to lessen my load...good idea...once I learned that ...things had been easier the last few weeks emotionally for me...disengaging from skids is bad advice IMO and toxic for the poor kids caught in the middle






Quoting newstepmom61811:

What I would look closely at is if the same women are saying they love them like their own and then posting to disengage. If indeed the posters are one in the same you have a point. If not you are lumping two different extremes of SM into one pool and getting a misrepresentation...


 

shore_mom11
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:23 AM
1 mom liked this

So what would you say about the BM who has NEVER chipped in a penny toward any of the kids bills - school, medical, dental, etc.  What would you say about the BM who when she turned 40 thought SHE was the 18 year old and decided that she wanted to ditch HER responsibility to be a parent... but while she was out running around like a tramp and a moron left all of the parenting to her ex husband and his wife STILL wanted all of the accolades of a "job well done" come graduation day??  When she had absolutely nothing to do with getting the teenage kids to that point? 

Give me a break lady.  You know what doesn't hurt kids... too many people loving them!  You should be so lucky to have someone feel that way about your child and yet this is why most SM's "give up" - from all of the constant negativity and being forever told that no matter what the hell they say or do it is never right or never enough.

Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Jan. 27, 2013 at 10:34 AM

 This is a hard one to really get an answer to. See, while I don't think I will ever be able to love my stepsons as I love my own kids, I would still do for them as I do for my own. That is simply family. Also, in my opinion, family is not all about who's biologically related.

Excuse my language but I have some extremely FUCKED UP people that are biologically related to me and after some of the really fucked up shit they've pulled, I've cut them out of our lives entirely. (excluding the bumping into each other when we happen to be in the same place at the same time of course) Point is, I don't claim those people as family anymore. In my opinion, they're not because FAMILY would not do the crap they did. On the flip side, when that crap went down, my best friends, my stepsons and even my husband's exwife rallied around ME and helped me get back on my feet emotionally so that I could deal with everything. THAT is family, THEY are my family, blood or not.

That said, financials get brought into this as well. To be honest, as long as I have the money available, I am more than happy to do for my stepsons as I would for my own. The difference for me though is that my stepsons are adults who live on their own now, my bios are still minors who live at home and rely on me for their needs. So for me, it comes down to doing for those who live with me and rely on me or those who are adults living on their own. If my money is limited, it's my responsibility to care for those dependant on me first.

I hope all that makes sense.

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