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how do I explain....

Posted by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:42 PM
  • 29 Replies
Ss10 asked what we were doing this weekend. I told him that he was going to bm this weekend. Ss said he doesn't wanna go to bm and if he can go another weekend. I explained that bm and half siblings miss him and he should go spend time with them. Ss said he just doesn't feel comfortable there. I tired to explain that its only one night and that he will have fun. Ss then said "oh you and dad just want alone time" I told him that wasn't it. It's because his bm misses him and wants to spend time with him. Ss said "if you say so". How do you explain to him that he must go? Dh is horrible at talking to dh about stuff like this. He gets frustrated and ss shuts dwn.....what do I do ?
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by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 9:42 PM
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DDDaysh
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 10:03 PM
2 moms liked this
The judge decided on a schedule he needs to follow. Explain it that way, it's the law just like wearing a seat belt.
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lovemyfriend
by Bronze Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 10:09 PM
1 mom liked this

 

I'd take this advice.  Leave it as short as possible, too. 

Quoting DDDaysh:

The judge decided on a schedule he needs to follow. Explain it that way, it's the law just like wearing a seat belt.


 

RMCmata
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 10:26 PM
Judgment for visitation is at dh discretion no set days/weekends/time frame


Quoting DDDaysh:

The judge decided on a schedule he needs to follow. Explain it that way, it's the law just like wearing a seat belt.

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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 28, 2013 at 10:55 PM
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Well apparently you don't want a solution then. It's a your husband's discretion by court order. since he can't talk to his son about something so trivial, why is he put in control of something so important? 10 is not too young to know the whys of a CO. My child knows; It's court ordered. She doesn't get to make adult decisions. That's what the adults are for.


Quoting RMCmata:

Judgment for visitation is at dh discretion no set days/weekends/time frame




Quoting DDDaysh:

The judge decided on a schedule he needs to follow. Explain it that way, it's the law just like wearing a seat belt.


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DDDaysh
by on Jan. 28, 2013 at 11:25 PM
If it is at your husband's discretion, why can he not manage to tell his son about it? Perhaps they need to talk to a family therapist to improve their communication. You should not have to field questions like this.
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faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 12:55 AM
Not sure, but honestly I TELL my kids and the skids when we are planning alone time. We deserve it too and don't feel guilty about it ^shrug^
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JustaSM231
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 1:12 AM

DH is going to have to start talking with his son.  He needs to be the one explaining that his BM wants to see him and that he needs to spend time with her and that this is an adult decision made by the adults in the family.  DH also needs to explain to SS also that yes, you and he need and deserve to spend some alone time together to nurture a healthy marriage.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with this statement or sentiment.  You need to read Stepmonster.  It's a book about not giving step children all the control in your marriage.  Kids in general don't want or need that kind of control and will be healthier of the adults in this situation take on the control the adults are supposed to have. 

SavesSpiders
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:38 AM
1 mom liked this

Not a bad idea - especially if your DH is horrible at talking about things with his son.  His son is only 10 - there will be a lot more to discuss in the future, so he should probably get working on those skills now. 

It's great that your SS feels comfortable enough to ask you these questions - kudos to you as a good SM- but I agree with DDDaysh.  DH should be addressing this, not you.  And he should be addressing this with his son as well as his BM, because clearly there's a reason he doesn't want to visit her.


Quoting DDDaysh:

If it is at your husband's discretion, why can he not manage to tell his son about it? Perhaps they need to talk to a family therapist to improve their communication. You should not have to field questions like this.



lnr187
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:00 AM

 if it's at dh discretion, then why doesn't dh just tell bm that ss doesn't want to come this weekend? will bm get upset about it? bm gets upset, then let bm explain it to ss.

knoxmomof2
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:14 AM

At 10, SS should get an age- appropriate discussion about divorce/ custody. I know with SD, she had no clue about things like a judge's orders (probably b/c BM rarely followed them) or child support...things I assumed her Mom would have discussed with her before sending her to us EOW...tell him that Mom and Dad divorced/ separated and they told a judge they didn't want to be together anymore and the judge helped them to find a way for SS to see both parents. Since there is no visitation set up, I would recommend DH and BM come up with one everyone (mainly SS) can depend on, if that is possible. Kids like structure, knowing what to expect, and that would make this easier on him emotionally. 

Either way, he needs to know time w/ BM is NOT optional, otherwise this will come up again and again. Also, reassure him that you WILL miss him, but he needs his Mom too!

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