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feeling very sad for my skids.

Posted by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:36 PM
  • 11 Replies

Some may remember the post I made about how the bm announced her engagement on facebook before talking to the skids first ..this is to the bf that the skids dont like. Both of my skids are so frazzled by this news. SS13 that lives with bm has decided that he is going to stay with us for the week to cool down from being so angry with his mother. Both Dh and I arent really sure what to say to the kids. To us adults it really doesnt come as a surprise because this is Bm's character. SHes selfish and just out right mean at times. But the kids feel so betrayed. They feel unimportant and left out. I really dont blame them, but I almost feel like this is a start to the kids in understanding how their Bm really can be.?? Because really up until now the kids have been somewhat sheltered from all the wrong doing she has/is doing. But this is something that DH cant take the blame for....... any ideas or advice on how to have the converstaion with skids. This wouldnt be me having the conversation with them of course....it would be DH .

by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:36 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Callarlilly
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:58 PM
1 mom liked this

To be honest with you angirose, no BK really appreciates a BF or GF of the BP's...I endured both spectrums when my DH & I got engaged. My BD (same age) was LIVID!

My DH & I took the fam to counseling and learned that it takes 2x the child's age at the time of marriage to accept / appreciate the SP on average!! That could be a looooonnnngggg time, considering.

To be even more frank with you, the focus should be on ensuring a positive transition for your skids & is more important right now than pointing out their BM's character flaws...and that's REALLY, REALLY hard to do. 

My skids live with us now on a permanent basis because of their BM's abuse (among the many poor choices she's made) and I would give ANYTHING for them to see just how rotten she is, but it never works that way. It does more harm than good. I have to focus on inappropriate behaviors and encourage them to love her anyway, but not behave like her...It's been a very rough road.

Hang in there....your skids will see her for who she is in time enough. For you and your DH, phrases like "I see you're upset" & "I hear your anger" will go a VERY long way! Use them as much as you can.

Also, do not just leave these conversations up to their Dad...that's too isolating. You are just as much a part of their life as he is and at this tender age, they need all the support they can get. :)

Who else is going to teach them how a woman really behaves?

Big hugs and lots of loving support to you and your family at this stressful time!

Jennifer

sidelinesally
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:03 PM
1 mom liked this

IDK, I'm not a fan of letting kids run from one house to another when they're having issues with the other parent. It's taking sides and not doing anything to provide the kids the tools they need to communicate effectively and solve their problems. A day to cool off, maybe. The conversation I'd be having would be something along the lines of "I understand that you're hurt and angry but you need to tell your mom how her actions made you feel and find a way to work it out with her. Hopefully that will help her take your feelings into consideration the next time a big event happens in her life". There's no need to send BM up shit's creek without a paddle unless thats the ultimate goal ( cause in a way you almost sound giddy about this being the point where the kids see their mom's true colours. Is that what you want?). She had a monumental lapse in judgement and probably knows it. Let her make amends. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:06 PM

Conversation about what? The person they should be talking to is their mother. She is the one they have the issue with.

angirose
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:25 PM
Quoting Callarlilly:

To be honest with you angirose, no BK really appreciates a BF or GF of the BP's...I endured both spectrums when my DH & I got engaged. My BD (same age) was LIVID!

My DH & I took the fam to counseling and learned that it takes 2x the child's age at the time of marriage to accept / appreciate the SP on average!! That could be a looooonnnngggg time, considering.

To be even more frank with you, the focus should be on ensuring a positive transition for your skids & is more important right now than pointing out their BM's character flaws...and that's REALLY, REALLY hard to do. 

My skids live with us now on a permanent basis because of their BM's abuse (among the many poor choices she's made) and I would give ANYTHING for them to see just how rotten she is, but it never works that way. It does more harm than good. I have to focus on inappropriate behaviors and encourage them to love her anyway, but not behave like her...It's been a very rough road.

Hang in there....your skids will see her for who she is in time enough. For you and your DH, phrases like "I see you're upset" & "I hear your anger" will go a VERY long way! Use them as much as you can.

Also, do not just leave these conversations up to their Dad...that's too isolating. You are just as much a part of their life as he is and at this tender age, they need all the support they can get. :)

Who else is going to teach them how a woman really behaves?

Big hugs and lots of loving support to you and your family at this stressful time!

Jennifer




Thank you ....and we have a rule. We never talk negative about either x's in this house. Specially to our children.
angirose
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:29 PM
Quoting sidelinesally:

IDK, I'm not a fan of letting kids run from one house to another when they're having issues with the other parent. It's taking sides and not doing anything to provide the kids the tools they need to communicate effectively and solve their problems. A day to cool off, maybe. The conversation I'd be having would be something along the lines of "I understand that you're hurt and angry but you need to tell your mom how her actions made you feel and find a way to work it out with her. Hopefully that will help her take your feelings into consideration the next time a big event happens in her life". There's no need to send BM up shit's creek without a paddle unless thats the ultimate goal ( cause in a way you almost sound giddy about this being the point where the kids see their mom's true colours. Is that what you want?). She had a monumental lapse in judgement and probably knows it. Let her make amends. 



I am not giddy one bit. But for the past two years we have spent so much time fixing her mistakes, miscommunications and mishaps. This is something we can't fix.
angirose
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:32 PM
Quoting whatIknownow:

Conversation about what? The person they should be talking to is their mother. She is the one they have the issue with.




I agree with you . In fact this is exactly what I said to my dh. Dh is so used to fixing everything that he just assumes the responsiblity of doing so. I believe we should just support the kids and focus on the positive in this house and keep them occupied and minds on more positive things ....
tiredmama42
by Silver Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:24 AM

We have the same thing going!  BM  broke up with bf in November and 2 weeks late posted on facebook a picture of her ring saying "I said yes".  It was a new guy.   SD's (17, 19, 20, 21) Not happy.   We checked the guy out and was just charged with stalking, harrassment and false reports (must have been last gf).   The man keeps texting the girls and giving them attitude already.  Scary stuff.  Girls are definately  not happy and though I sympathize... not my place.  They are old enough to discuss with their BM.  The one told me that her mom is never alone he is always with her.  I suggested calling BM when she's on her way to work or coming home.    Not much anyone can do thats up to the kids to say their peace doesnt mean the bm will change her mind.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 11:32 AM
2 moms liked this

Does it really make sense to allow the kiddo to come stay with you guys because he's mad at BM?  What happens when the shoe is on the other foot and he's upset with BF?  IMHO, especially at that age, you're setting yourselves up for major manipulation. "I don't like what you did so I'm going to go stay at my other parent's house!"

I'm sure there are reasonable exceptions but this seems like a slippery slope.

FWIW, my husband didn't even ask me to marry him until he'd discussed it with the kids a bit first.  They got to be "in on it" and while they maybe weren't thrilled, they ACTED like it (bless their hearts).  

angirose
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 11:36 AM

 


Quoting Birdseed:

Does it really make sense to allow the kiddo to come stay with you guys because he's mad at BM?  What happens when the shoe is on the other foot and he's upset with BF?  IMHO, especially at that age, you're setting yourselves up for major manipulation. "I don't like what you did so I'm going to go stay at my other parent's house!"

I'm sure there are reasonable exceptions but this seems like a slippery slope.

FWIW, my husband didn't even ask me to marry him until he'd discussed it with the kids a bit first.  They got to be "in on it" and while they maybe weren't thrilled, they ACTED like it (bless their hearts).  

I do agree with you. I dont agree with ss staying with us because he is unhappy with his mothers chioces. It so happens to be his sisters birthday tomorrow so he is also here because of that. But yes, a slippery slope it will more than like be.

 

ManicAttack
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:18 PM
If they want to talk about it, let them, but I wouldn't bring up the situation.

I don't believe in kids running back and forth between homes either. While it is sad she doesn't seem to respect her kids' feelings, she needs to be the one to apologize and make things right. Not to mention, if the kids live with her primarily and it is only now they say they don't want to and that you and DH are trying to get them out, it seems as if it is just to hurt BM.

We are having a similar issue with SS9 but it involves his jealousy of a new baby not SF. He asked SO if he could come stay with us when BM has the baby. SO was gung-ho and I am not, for the reason I mentioned above. Change takes time but kids should not be allowed to jump houses because they don't like it. Unless SF is abusive, and I'm assuming he's not since your DH has not tried to fight for custody, there is no GOOD reason for them to stay with you.

They will learn to adjust. Or maybe they'll hold a grudge. But it is BMs issue, not yours. Just let them talk to you when they are ready and want to.
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