Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

You may....but do they?

Posted by   + Show Post

OK, so you love your Skids like you love your own. Good for you.

But what if your stepkids dont love YOU like they love their mom? Are you holding them to these crazy expectations?

We have seen time and time again right here on these very forums Skids from about the age of 12 on rejecting stepmothers left and right. (mostly just typical kid behavior that the SM's take a but too personally but you cannot deny that there isnt a plethora of these posts)

Just the other day, a skid wanted her BM to walk down the aisle with her dad, yet they had been divorced for years. Even I was hurt for that SM.

So, if you love your skids like your own but yet they dont love you back like their mommy,...........whoa! Light bulb moment! Isn't this right about the moment these SM's write posts about disengaging?

Real moms dont disengage BTW.

And when I say real, I mean the ones who are there....present....involved....and irreplacable even in death.

by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:38 PM
Replies (61-70):
Troubleswife
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:46 AM
1 mom liked this
Why would I think I know you?

I asked a question.

I also made an assessment based on certain comments in your posts.

You did not answer my specific question.

There is one thing to include a step parent in "plenty of pictures" but quite another to give a "picture" of a different life.

Your X isn't involved and if there is a girlfriend/SM. Having you all take a picture TOGETHER is also not the truth. Is it?

Would you be hurt if your DD decided to have a picture of all 6 of you together? That was my question.


Quoting baparrot2:

 


Quoting Troubleswife:

Being a parent (in any form) being some if the highest/proudest moments and some of lowest/worst moments.

Kids hurt their parents feelings everyday too.

Wouldn't you OP be hurt that your daughter opted to have SM included as part of your big family picture in her wedding? BF/SM and SF/you. How do you think you'd feel? Would it not make you wonder if she considered all her steps equal to you (since that is the mindset you have going on here.)

 Would I be upset if my DD wanted SM to be part of her wedding? Ummmm...no. Not in the least. I would be the one helping her to make SM feel a part of it. There are plenty of pics to be taken that day. You think you know me....you really have no clue.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
viv212
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:49 AM
However some of these ladies think. I've never even thought about loving my SKids as my own. I'm involved with my SD's and treat them as my own. I've been hurt by them and so many times wanted to post about it, but it's more to understand why. It's never about keeping my distance with SKids.

Maybe I'm a sucker, I don't know.

That's the first thing my mom told me though when I told her about me and my bf- that she knows I will take care if his 3 girls, not treat them like crap, and that I'm good with them. She didn't have to see me in action, she just knows me as a person. I'm all for kids- I absolutely love them.


Quoting Pero1:




Quoting viv212:

I'm glad I am not that type of SM.

What type of SM?

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
raerae725
by Silver Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:49 AM
3 moms liked this

Saying I love SD as my own is the only way I could describe it.  I would give up anything for the well being of any of my children.  Does SD love me as she does her mom?  No.  I only love one person as my mom, but I know she loves all of her kids as her own.  Two very different things.  

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:50 AM

 No. That would be silly! Why in the world would you think that would be a problem for me?

Quoting Troubleswife:

Why would I think I know you?

I asked a question.

I also made an assessment based on certain comments in your posts.

You did not answer my specific question.

There is one thing to include a step parent in "plenty of pictures" but quite another to give a "picture" of a different life.

Your X isn't involved and if there is a girlfriend/SM. Having you all take a picture TOGETHER is also not the truth. Is it?

Would you be hurt if your DD decided to have a picture of all 6 of you together? That was my question.


Quoting baparrot2:

 


Quoting Troubleswife:

Being a parent (in any form) being some if the highest/proudest moments and some of lowest/worst moments.

Kids hurt their parents feelings everyday too.

Wouldn't you OP be hurt that your daughter opted to have SM included as part of your big family picture in her wedding? BF/SM and SF/you. How do you think you'd feel? Would it not make you wonder if she considered all her steps equal to you (since that is the mindset you have going on here.)

 Would I be upset if my DD wanted SM to be part of her wedding? Ummmm...no. Not in the least. I would be the one helping her to make SM feel a part of it. There are plenty of pics to be taken that day. You think you know me....you really have no clue.

 

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:53 AM

 

Quoting Birdseed:

If I had to venture a guess, I think she's saying "that type of SM" is one who has broken through the societal BS (including DH's unrealistic "we'll all be one big happy family" ) and is living in reality rather than living as a shell of oneself and trying to please everyone by turning themselves inside out and upside down.  A reality in which one recognizes that in most cases, the key players are BF, BM, and kids.  SM and SF are not the key players no matter how involved they are (in most cases).  We (SPs) can play a supporting role, but we're not calling the shots and most attempts to do so will be met with more trouble than you can borrow with both hands.

There is a lot of peace that comes with letting go of the unrealistic expectations. 

So if THAT is the kind of SM that viv212 is glad she's not, I wish her the best.  It's working a hell of a lot better for me than all of the other variations I've tried.  DH is happier, BM is happier, kids are happier and I am most definitely happier.

 

 Total Cafemom crush on you right now! Love this reply. But then again, it sounds like we live the same way. I keep things VERY uncomplicated. I am an extreme realist. I dont ever play around in fairytale land. That place is nothing but trouble.

lizzyluvsmoe
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:54 AM
3 moms liked this

Agreed.  And that is all fine and good as long as you can respect other people's opinion.  Once you start using vulgarity and demeaning people for their own person view or personal opinion you lose all credibility with me.


Quoting viv212:

Maybe she's trying to justify the way she feels by trying to find others that feel the same way.

Quoting lizzyluvsmoe:

Right.  Who thinks like that? Her points are really weird and I don't think she knows how deep rooted they are! Then when you don't agree with her philosphies, she curses you to no end, so at the end of the day, invalidates any real point she is trying to make.



Quoting viv212:

Phew! I thought it was just me who thought that.



What if my SKids don't love me like they love their mom? Who even thinks of stuff like this? It's weird and not relevant as my role as their SM. Those kids don't owe me shit.




Quoting lizzyluvsmoe:

Wrong on two counts. But I won't bother to explain it to you. Anyway something is seriously wrong with you when this is your third post about the same subject. 1800therapist.






Troubleswife
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:04 AM
1 mom liked this
Because I have a pretty large empathy bone and I can imagine that some moms would be hurt by that.

I've also read it on many boards here....it comes out in many different forms ... but it is all the same message. "I am your mom. Don't put me on the same platform."

I can also empathize with a stepmom who is hurt for similar reasons or that the child is holding onto a past that no longer exists. It depends in the relationship but it would be weird for SS to ask that of his parents. They don't like each other. Would it hurt me? I dunno. I have heard all sorts of things in the years I've known him, so has my husband with my kids.

We are abused! lol kidding.

I just think there are things people can relate to and not make it bigger than a moment. In the grand scheme, that's all it is. A moment of hurt. There will be more.

We are human. It's part of who we are to have feelings.



Quoting baparrot2:

 No. That would be silly! Why in the world would you think that would be a problem for me?


Quoting Troubleswife:

Why would I think I know you?

I asked a question.

I also made an assessment based on certain comments in your posts.

You did not answer my specific question.

There is one thing to include a step parent in "plenty of pictures" but quite another to give a "picture" of a different life.

Your X isn't involved and if there is a girlfriend/SM. Having you all take a picture TOGETHER is also not the truth. Is it?

Would you be hurt if your DD decided to have a picture of all 6 of you together? That was my question.



Quoting baparrot2:


 



Quoting Troubleswife:

Being a parent (in any form) being some if the highest/proudest moments and some of lowest/worst moments.

Kids hurt their parents feelings everyday too.

Wouldn't you OP be hurt that your daughter opted to have SM included as part of your big family picture in her wedding? BF/SM and SF/you. How do you think you'd feel? Would it not make you wonder if she considered all her steps equal to you (since that is the mindset you have going on here.)


 Would I be upset if my DD wanted SM to be part of her wedding? Ummmm...no. Not in the least. I would be the one helping her to make SM feel a part of it. There are plenty of pics to be taken that day. You think you know me....you really have no clue.


 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Birdseed
by Gold Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:06 AM



Quoting baparrot2:

 

Quoting Birdseed:

If I had to venture a guess, I think she's saying "that type of SM" is one who has broken through the societal BS (including DH's unrealistic "we'll all be one big happy family" ) and is living in reality rather than living as a shell of oneself and trying to please everyone by turning themselves inside out and upside down.  A reality in which one recognizes that in most cases, the key players are BF, BM, and kids.  SM and SF are not the key players no matter how involved they are (in most cases).  We (SPs) can play a supporting role, but we're not calling the shots and most attempts to do so will be met with more trouble than you can borrow with both hands.

There is a lot of peace that comes with letting go of the unrealistic expectations. 

So if THAT is the kind of SM that viv212 is glad she's not, I wish her the best.  It's working a hell of a lot better for me than all of the other variations I've tried.  DH is happier, BM is happier, kids are happier and I am most definitely happier.


 Total Cafemom crush on you right now! Love this reply. But then again, it sounds like we live the same way. I keep things VERY uncomplicated. I am an extreme realist. I dont ever play around in fairytale land. That place is nothing but trouble.

I think I've tried it all.

I love EVERYONE! (including BM).  Indignant disgust with BM. Indignant disgust with DH.  Resentment of kids.  Disengagement (that lasted for about 2 days and sucked).  Control freakishness.  Silent suffering.  Vocal suffering.  Martyrdom. Combinations of many of those. 

Maybe something in there works for others, but it sure didn't work for us.  




Pero1
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:07 AM
1 mom liked this

I have to admit I've never read any of your posts ... or maybe it's the fact that I'm just crap with names.

But, as I said to Troubles in the other post (well, one of them), I just struggle with the concept of people describing their skids as uneducated, lazy, rude billy-no-mates who don't know the basics of personal hygience, smell like urine and shit their pants (sorry, but that's how graphic they get), whilst at the same time not only bragging their own kids have only As, love doing chores until midnight and have more friends than the US have citizens ... BUT also stating they love them all the same!

When reading this forum, I feel that they are NO normal skids out there! My DD is a skid, she is normal. She has almost straight As, she is polite, helps in the house ... and the only time she smells is when she gets back from the stables. It kind of worries me what her SM thinks of her though ... especially when I think of the endless "you are just like your mother" comments! ;-) Oh, I do wash as well, just for the record.

Quoting viv212:

However some of these ladies think. I've never even thought about loving my SKids as my own. I'm involved with my SD's and treat them as my own. I've been hurt by them and so many times wanted to post about it, but it's more to understand why. It's never about keeping my distance with SKids.

Maybe I'm a sucker, I don't know.

That's the first thing my mom told me though when I told her about me and my bf- that she knows I will take care if his 3 girls, not treat them like crap, and that I'm good with them. She didn't have to see me in action, she just knows me as a person. I'm all for kids- I absolutely love them.


Quoting Pero1:




Quoting viv212:

I'm glad I am not that type of SM.

What type of SM?



angelmommy2806
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:14 AM
No idea. I just know that the love I have for them is different. Therefore I'd expect the love they have, or maybe one day will have, is different than the love they have for their mother.

Quoting baparrot2:

 


Quoting angelmommy2806:

I don't expect the kids to love me like their mother. But I'm not one of the SM's that love her skids like my own.

 Oh look someone who completely understood what the post was about!


But what i do wonder about is the ones who do make the claim.....what are their internal expectations on these kids?

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured