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You may....but do they?

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OK, so you love your Skids like you love your own. Good for you.

But what if your stepkids dont love YOU like they love their mom? Are you holding them to these crazy expectations?

We have seen time and time again right here on these very forums Skids from about the age of 12 on rejecting stepmothers left and right. (mostly just typical kid behavior that the SM's take a but too personally but you cannot deny that there isnt a plethora of these posts)

Just the other day, a skid wanted her BM to walk down the aisle with her dad, yet they had been divorced for years. Even I was hurt for that SM.

So, if you love your skids like your own but yet they dont love you back like their mommy,...........whoa! Light bulb moment! Isn't this right about the moment these SM's write posts about disengaging?

Real moms dont disengage BTW.

And when I say real, I mean the ones who are there....present....involved....and irreplacable even in death.

by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:38 PM
Replies (81-90):
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jan. 30, 2013 at 11:58 AM
I used to think some women were silly to have an "ours" child. But it's so wonderful knowing now (God willing)my dh and I will raise this child (my dd 3months old) and dd will be in an intact family.

It's wonderful how many memories I have because my family(ALL aunts and uncles),my brothers, and sister have what you have.even though their is a step child in my sisters and brothers life,its just one (like yours) and they still are "intact" and its more then 11&17 years now:)

I appreciated what she said also because well,that's how I feel for my dds. Hell and high water :)


Quoting leegirl_jm:

I appreciate what she is saying but I wish she had it as good as I have it with my husband and children, her life would be so much more rewarding, imo :)

Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

:) had to give you a smily.



Quoting weirdkids:

this step mom doesnt disengage. come hell or high water.i do truely love them like they were my own oh and i also know for a fact that my step kids love me as much as they do their respective bm's because they tell me everyday and i can see it in their eyes and in their actions. i know that if i were to die tomorrow, my ss in particular would be devistated. i do know that my very blended family is a unique exception though and in most blended families there is alot of animosity even if its bottled down deep. i wish everyone in a step parent/child situation could have it as good as i do. your lives would be so much more rewarding.imo


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rebeccasmly
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:06 PM

I love my SKs as my own. I have raised YSD since she was a baby. YSD knew me as mom and had no memory of BM since BM abandoned them. I am not delusional though. They do have a relationship with BM (as strained as it is, it is a relationship). They know BM and love BM. They do not love me as they love BM. Why should they? There will always be a bond there, even in adopted children you often hear about it. They do love me as the mom I am to them though. I am confident in that and I am secure in that. I don't need them to love me as they love BM.

viv212
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:20 PM
That doesn't all sound like me. I don't discipline but I am able to call shots in my household. I think the kids' dad has a lot to do with how he treats me and sees how the kids treat me. Everyone at home knows their role.

But yes when it comes to SM, I give her full respect and make sure the kids know she comes first.

Does that kind of answer this?


Quoting Birdseed:

If I had to venture a guess, I think she's saying "that type of SM" is one who has broken through the societal BS (including DH's unrealistic "we'll all be one big happy family" ) and is living in reality rather than living as a shell of oneself and trying to please everyone by turning themselves inside out and upside down.  A reality in which one recognizes that in most cases, the key players are BF, BM, and kids.  SM and SF are not the key players no matter how involved they are (in most cases).  We (SPs) can play a supporting role, but we're not calling the shots and most attempts to do so will be met with more trouble than you can borrow with both hands.

There is a lot of peace that comes with letting go of the unrealistic expectations. 

So if THAT is the kind of SM that viv212 is glad she's not, I wish her the best.  It's working a hell of a lot better for me than all of the other variations I've tried.  DH is happier, BM is happier, kids are happier and I am most definitely happier.


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laughnchica
by Silver Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:27 PM
1 mom liked this

They don't have to love you the way they love their bio parents. Doesn't mean that they love you any LESS...it is just a different form of love. It is equally special in its own way.

viv212
by Bronze Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:54 PM
Since I'm not the one complaining about it, I would think I'm living less complicated. I'm sure we live 2 very different situations.

Quoting baparrot2:

 


Quoting Birdseed:


If I had to venture a guess, I think she's saying "that type of SM" is one who has broken through the societal BS (including DH's unrealistic "we'll all be one big happy family" ) and is living in reality rather than living as a shell of oneself and trying to please everyone by turning themselves inside out and upside down.  A reality in which one recognizes that in most cases, the key players are BF, BM, and kids.  SM and SF are not the key players no matter how involved they are (in most cases).  We (SPs) can play a supporting role, but we're not calling the shots and most attempts to do so will be met with more trouble than you can borrow with both hands.


There is a lot of peace that comes with letting go of the unrealistic expectations. 


So if THAT is the kind of SM that viv212 is glad she's not, I wish her the best.  It's working a hell of a lot better for me than all of the other variations I've tried.  DH is happier, BM is happier, kids are happier and I am most definitely happier.


 


 Total Cafemom crush on you right now! Love this reply. But then again, it sounds like we live the same way. I keep things VERY uncomplicated. I am an extreme realist. I dont ever play around in fairytale land. That place is nothing but trouble.

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pepper504
by Gold Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:05 PM
1 mom liked this

Eh, SS14's mom disengaged when her new trophy was spawned 2 years ago.  I feel bad for SS14, really. 

I do not love him like my own and I do not expect him to love me like his mom.  Our relationship has changed A LOT over the last few years.  Night and day. 

If someone loves that skid like their own, then so be it.  If the child loves their SP like their own biological parent, again, so be it. 

I just do not get why it matters.

Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 11:40 PM


Thanks!

Quoting baparrot2:

 

Quoting Seychelles1409:

Yes, absolutely true.  Real moms don't disengage, but who is to say who a "real" mother is?

 ahh....you caught that! It could mean bio mom, it could mean adoptive mom, and yeas it could even mean the SM who is TRULY raising the child as her own. I hate to say it, but these women arent really good at reading comprehension..In the other posts regarding this issue, there were plenty of SM's who in fact were the "moms" for their skids. They said they would never disengage....they are in it for the long haul. This really doesnt apply to them now does it? But they keep thinking it does.

I have observed that almost all the CSM's who really have a hand in raising their skids are the ones answering these posts. But the SM's who have very little to do with their skids but still make these claims arent touching these posts with a ten foot pole.

At what point does someone read a post and say, "this doesnt fit me"? Or have we really gotten to the point where we just skim through a post and think it ALL applies to me!

Like I have suggested before. I think it would be beneficial if this group or another like it was split into two groups. CSM's and NCSM's. The life they lead in their blended families are night and day.



MamaMoopsie
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 1:34 AM

You have just described one of my greatest fears. I don't want SD to love me MORE than her mom. I don't want her to ever feel like there is a competition or that I'm trying to make it one, because I don't want that for her. However, I'm afraid of the day when she decides she just doesn't love me as much as I love her. Last year in school SD was making something in art for Mother's Day. We have her throughout the school year and she's always given me the things they make for Mother's Day. Well, last year SD came to me and said she had something REALLY big to ask me and told me she was nervous. So we sat down and she told me that they were working on this project for Mother's Day and wanted to know if it would be okay with me if this time she gave the present to her mom when she went to visit her in the summer. Of course I told her it was more than fine and that I thought it was a great idea. It did sting a little though, I have to admit.

Well, Mother's Day rolled around and SD helped DH make me breakfast in bed and then she gave me a little blue bag full to the brim with things that were significant to the two of us: a yarn doll we'd made together, a book of short stories I'd read her when she was little every night at bed time, a little photo album that had a couple pictures of her as a baby and a note that said "You weren't there at the beginning, but I love you for being there ever since!" It was the best Mother's Day present I've ever gotten. She'd made a key chain in art class that just said "MOM" and she told me later that other kids put things like #1 MOM or BEST MOM and she didn't want to do that because she has two moms and they're both great--and that's exactly what I want for her. To love both of us and feel loved by both of us.

Even if SD starts rejecting me...I know I'd be deeply hurt, but I couldn't stop loving her and doing my best for her. I actually expect a certain amount of "rejection" but not just because I'm stepmom, but more because she'll be going into those teen years when every authority figure is a thorn in her side.

1SpaZZedMom
by Librarian on Jan. 31, 2013 at 11:21 AM
Real moms may not be available for what ever reaon for several years. When she is... SM will see that the bond is completely irreversible and unbreakable.
Yes, this is where disengagement should occur. Sure, hatred will be an emotion that a completely hands on SM will face with no warning or reason. It hurts and breaks hearts. SMs in this stich MUST realize that blood is thicker than water... and it sucks. But you can NOT take Mom's place... ever.


Quoting whatIknownow:

Real moms don't disengage. This is absolutely true. 

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AJnEsMama
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 2:51 PM

Real stepmoms that love them that much don't either. They understand kids have phases. I doubt that skids that love their stepmom back that much will do crazy stuff like that. That is probably actions of skids who didn't grow up with sm or wanted their parents to be together and never got over it. I don't think the sm's that love their kids have skids that son't love them as a parent or family member. My ss loves me. He calls me mom as he calls his sd dad too. We never asked him to. He called me mama + my name then he started calling me mom. I'm sure people will find that offensive. I know I'm not bm I'm a loving sm. I've been in his life a very long time. My family is involved to as is his other stepfamily so he has tons of people who love him. More than most people do. I am sure he will go through the "rotten" teen phase and others (he is 8) but that does not mean I won't love him and he won't love me. I'm sure I will get frustrated just like I do when my kids throw tantrums or don't listen or in the future when they go through the same phases. But I'll still love them all. It is normal growing pains. The sms who disengage probably have older skids that don't want them involved. 

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