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my step-daughter is a bully

Posted by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:40 PM
  • 9 Replies

My significant other (SO) and I have been together for 8 years and we live together with my children and his daughter. He shares visitation with his BM who thinks their daughter is her BFF not her child. Recently my SO was asked by the school counselor to come to a meeting concerning his daughter. What he thought was a one on one turned out to be the counselor, several of her teachers and the principal, his BM and daughter, in a round table about the fact that his 4th grader has been bullying some of the other girls in her class. as the discussion proceeds and they talk about the fact that she has a bad attitude toward these other girls telling them that they cannot hang out with her and her click, that she "would never be friends with them", rolling her eyes and ignoring the other girls when they speak to her. After the discussion my SO and his BM talked to her asking her why she is behaving like this and all she says is that "she don't know"and they have pretty much left it at that ......no further discussions not repercussions nothing.......am I the only one who sees a problem here??? Did I mention she is only in the 4th grade?? What is my role in this should I say something? I did suggest to him that she needs to resume counseling which she attended for a few months for anger issues.

by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:40 PM
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Replies (1-9):
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 8:52 PM
4th grade seems to be about the time these things start happening. my ds is in 4th and they had an issue with a group of girls bullying then the ringleader got the tables turned and was the victim. it is an issue to be taken seriously as more and more schools really crack down on bullying. either she will end up in serious trouble with school or the other girls will turn on her when a new queen bee emerges.
Callarlilly
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:10 PM
1 mom liked this

Agreed, continue with counseling. Bullying is never a 'face value' issue, there's always a source fueling the behavior.

My BD was the class bully in the 3rd grade and I've got to tell you, we invited the class to her birthday party and not one person showed. NOT ONE!! It was a painful lesson as I pointed out to her that she was bullying and that's why no one came. She turned around, but it took a long time for her reputation to die out.

Natural consequences will come and the best SM you can be is a supportive one, pointing out that they're a result of her actions (b/c she obviously isn't getting consequences at her BM's house).

And yes, YOU will always be the one to see problems as they arise b/c you are the "outsider" if you will. I go through the same thing with my DH on a regular basis. It's actually the best view. :) 

Big, supportive Hugs!

Jennifer

shanlee42
by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:22 PM
I think you should express your concerns to DH. Present a persuasive argument which will convince his to revisit the issue with BM.
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:23 PM

You have no role in this.

I'd be concerned if I had a boyfriend whose daughter behaved this way, but there is nothing you can do about it.

Maybe your boyfriend would benefit from parenting classes? Maybe he and BM could go together.

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Jan. 29, 2013 at 9:31 PM
2 moms liked this

Eh, I'd say something to him simply because that's how I roll. What he does with my opinion/advice/whatever is up to him.

Honestly, though. I'd be bothered if my step child was tagged a bully and had poor behavior and my dh and bm didn't care enough to help her.  Things are only going to get worse.

hopepb77
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 7:00 PM
I am the mother of a 3yo bully and am looking for advice as well. He has a stable home life his dad isn't in the picture though never has been so that isn't new. He can just be so mean at school to his friends for no apparent reason. When you ask him why he says he doesn't know. I take away tv when he is bad (the only thing he cares about) though his tv watching isn't violent really either ie Tom &Jerry or Scooby Doo. I've talked 2 his Dr and they suggested parenting classes which I would do if I had a reliable sitter on those nights. I'm a single parent but he isn't my 1st child he's my 3rd and the 1st 2 didn't have these issues so its a whole new game here. His dad has ADD and someone told me it could be that cuz he is getting frustrated with himself and acts out. I'm just worried cu
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MrsRexy
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 7:39 PM

I know how you feel.  I've been around for 4 years, and my 14yo SD is a bully, too.  She is beautiful, popular, and VERY proud of the fact that she and her friends are just like the movie 'Mean Girls'. This is her first year of high school, and while she stressed all last summer about losing her 'status', and did have some early issues when the consensus amongst her peers was that she is a slut...status quo remains.  She is awful, mean...and still popular.

I started having concerns about her in Grade 7 (two years ago), and I did tell my husband.  However it has taken this long for him to see the light himself, those blinders were very firmly in place, and I felt like the crazy, mean outsider whenever I tried to tell him what I saw.  Which I did less and less often.

He does see now, but feels like there is nothing he can do about it.  We do try to talk to her about how to treat people, set a good example, and talk about relevant things when she is here.  But she rarely is, because she hates our rules and does nothing but roll her eyes and mutter about us and this 'stupid house' under her breath.  Yeah, she's a peach!

To answer your question, I'm not really sure what your role is.  I'm still trying to figure that out myself.  I try to keep my mouth shut when it comes to SD, and a lot of the time I do.  But there are occasions where her behavior is just so out of this world that I **have** to say something to my husband to clue him in.  He's not a dumb guy but she plays him for a fool and he just doesn't see it.  Blinded by adoration?  That feels accurate.  But I will say that the only things I comment on anymore are the things that happen under our roof.  The rest of it - school, friends, BM, bullying, sex, lies, manipulation...I zip it and he is learning to deal with that on his own.  

BM is no help.  If SD gets in trouble at school, she blasts down there and demands that the teachers treat her precious baby with respect.  Discipline is a foreign concept at BM's house...and unfortunately SD is there 80% of the time.

Sorry for the ramble.  I feel for you!  Keep advocating for counseling, perhaps for all 3 of them.  It falls on deaf ears here (BM and SD refuse to attend), but I think it's a good solution.  If you're successful, plan to do something great for yourself on the evenings they go to their counseling session.

Hugs to you!



USBrit
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:14 PM

Um, that is something that can continue into adulthood. You are right to want to get it under control

Dana333810
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:34 PM

 This.

Quoting jlg12678:

Eh, I'd say something to him simply because that's how I roll. What he does with my opinion/advice/whatever is up to him.

Honestly, though. I'd be bothered if my step child was tagged a bully and had poor behavior and my dh and bm didn't care enough to help her.  Things are only going to get worse.

 

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