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Do you keep score?

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 4:44 PM
  • 27 Replies
I'm asking from a stepmom perspective, but it would be nice to hear from Birthmoms on this also.

Do you keep score of what dad does/buys/time spent etc with your child vs what he does for his other children?

Me and my cousin (who is a SM also) were talking about my son and SD when they get older. She said something about what kind of teenager my SD may be and I told her I don't agree because her dad is THERE and he's gonna be THERE. He mentioned before how he can't wait to have daddy/daughter days with her. In other words he plans to set the bar high so her standards will be high when she starts dating etc. So my cousin caught an attitude and asked is he planning father son days with our son?. And my answer is of course he is. That's a given.

Her next comment made me need to ask is this NORMAL. She said for every 1 daddy/daughter day he has with her, he would need to have 3 father/son days for her to be satisfied if it were her situation. So I inquired about her husband and their kids (she has 2 BKs and 3SK) and she said she keeps score. For every one toy he buys her step kids, she's making sure he buys 2 for their kids. If he takes 2 hours and goes to his oldest son basketball game, he needs to take a whole damn day sun up to sun down and spend it with her son. And if he ever says NO to something surrounding their kids, she is quick to break out the scorecard and point out anything remotely similar he has done for the SK.

I just listened and didn't comment at all....to each its own is always my motto BUT that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with my man or the kids. But according to her this is normal lol. So I had to ask. Honestly do you keep score? If so WHY?
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by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 4:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tracylynn100
by Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 4:49 PM
2 moms liked this

Wow, no I do not keep score.  I think she is terribly insecure.  As long as you and dh are comfortable with the time he is spending with kids and it works for the kids should be all good. 

movieq
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 4:51 PM
2 moms liked this

It sounds to me like she's not only keeping score but she's deciding the outcome.  The kids have no choice but to be pitted against each other and that's just not right. 

I don't think it's "normal" for someone else to keep score on a person's actions.  If a parent does something for their child I don't think it's good to assume they need to do the same for each of their children because it may not be what another child needs. Each relationship needs to be valued on an individual basis and not on a "keeping score" basis IMO

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 4:53 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't understand. Why does your friend think her DH should spend two or three time as much money/time on her kids than on the stepchild? I could see her wanting it to be equal (not that I think keeping score is a good idea), but why should he be spending more time or money on their kid together?

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 5:05 PM
1 mom liked this

I get equality, but that's not equal.  She's batpoo.

annabl1970
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 5:13 PM
I don't get it either. He is already spending more time with her kids, than with her step kids.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't understand. Why does your friend think her DH should spend two or three time as much money/time on her kids than on the stepchild? I could see her wanting it to be equal (not that I think keeping score is a good idea), but why should he be spending more time or money on their kid together?


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Mommyof5247
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 5:16 PM
No score keeping here. DH spends a lot of time with all of our kids; his, mine & ours.
I also am with the kids a lot. Mostly my stepkids & baby of course but my teens get my time too when I can catch them:)
Each child is so different that I don't see how we could miss giving them individual attention.

Why does your cousin feel the need to keep score & have her biokids get more time than her sks?
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JalensMommy2012
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 5:19 PM
According to her its about making sure her kids don't get the short end of the stick. I've tried to explain to her more than once every situation is different. But her logic is dads will do more for kids who don't live in the same house with them because they feel guilty about not being in the same house with them/ in a relationship with their mom. So she keeps score to protect her children if you let her tell it.

As always I just say to each its own.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't understand. Why does your friend think her DH should spend two or three time as much money/time on her kids than on the stepchild? I could see her wanting it to be equal (not that I think keeping score is a good idea), but why should he be spending more time or money on their kid together?


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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:11 PM

. Nope we don't.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:18 PM

 no i do not. now, if i noticed a pattern of not doing as much for our mutual kid as for the skids out of guilt, i might say something. but keeping score, no. not everything in life is even and fair.

Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 6:31 PM
1 mom liked this

Do I keep score? No. But I do make sure each child gets 1 on 1 time with dad.

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