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This is going to be long.

Posted by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:03 PM
  • 25 Replies
1 mom liked this

A little background. When DH and I met he had 3 young children with another woman (technically only 2, but 1 was on the way.) We sarted dating shortly before the youngest was born and due to financial problems I ended up moving in with him way sooner than either of us planned. As soon as I moved in with him I realized how crazy his ex was. She would randomly show up at our house and throw things at the door, threatened to burn it down, tried to run me over when she saw me walking to work one day (I literally lived across the street from my job at the time, so there was no reason to drive until then.) A whole list of things. Unfortunately I could never prove it and the best I was able to get from the police was a no trespassing order that expired in 2 months. Then the baby got here. A month after she was born BM gave the children up to my DH and vanished. That was in October of 2011. So all of a sudden we had 3 kids one of whom was only a month and a half old. DH and I had a very long talk and I decided I was going to stay and help him raise the kids as best I could. I felt bad for them and really cared about him. It was a crappy situation all around but we pulled together and created a family. 

We got married the following March and were given full legal custody of the children. By this point these were my kiddos. I fell so in love with them and still am to this day. They make every morning worth it and  I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. Them or their father. We created an awesome family and they were flourishing. CPS was involved in the whole custody process because they had been about to remove them from their mother's custody. While they were living with her they were going without food so she and the dog could eat, sleeping on a concrete floor even though they had beds (she was too lazy to set them up and wouldn't let DH or I in the house to do it), she went through less that 20 diapers a week between all 3 of them (they were all still in diapers at thsi point) and they always had bloody raw rashes down their legs and butts. We were also informed by CPS that there were multiple reports of verbal and physical abuse and neglect. Like I said, the woman is bat-shit crazy. But we got the kids from her and everything was going great until last May.

Out of the blue DH was summoned to court for a visitation hearing. BM didn't show up but the judge granted her visitation anyways. Every other weekend for 8 hours unsupervised. Why he did this is beyond me but we had no choice but to let her have the visitations. They were horrible. The kids came back starving every time, having not been changed, and with horrible attitudes (the oldest wouldn't call me anything but "bitch" for three days after the first visit because mommy told him that's what I was.) It was a nightmare. DH called CPS and when they were involved again she cleaned up her act by not showing up for the visitations at all. She did this from about June to October then wanted the visits back again. Legally we had no choice (we spoke to several lawyers and they told us we would be in contempt of court if we did not allow the visits) so we let them start going again. CPS remained involved, however, and with them on her heels she stayed in line pretty well until November. Then visits started being cancelled again and kids started coming back with diaper rashes every time she did decide to take them. However she's not legally required to attend the visits and CPS said there is nothing they can do because of diaper rashes alone. We would have to somehow prove they were being neglected and/or abused again. But we could make her visitations as hard as possible. Make her furnish her own vehicle and carseats (which we could inspect) hold her to the schedule lined out in the visiation to a T, and so on. Which we have done. Then last night she calls DH crying her eyes out saying she has cervical cancer (keep in mind she's a compulsive liar. She claimed her back was broken a few months ago, she had a terrible case of mono and the doctors were going to hospitalize her, she had to have 2 knee surgeries, the list goes on. None of these things were true.) and that her car was broke down and she needed us to bring the kids to her for her visit this weekend (it will be the first one she has attended in over a month). She practically begged him because she claims she will be moving over an hour away to get chemo and everything in 2 weeks and she doesn't think she will be able to see them after that.

I don't believe her for a second but on the off chance she is telling the truth would it really hurt to bring them to her once? I know it's a really long post for such a simple question but I wanted you all to understand all my reservations. These are my kids as far as I am concerned and I want them to be safe. I do not believe they are safe when they are with her and she is quite obviously a horrible example. But she is their BM and I'm torn between feeling like she has a right to see them and that she lost that right when she gave them to me. It's a crazy situation and I'm not sure how to handle it, anymore. I want to be a scathing bitch to her but I feel like all that will accomplish is to create tension my kids will have to suffer for in the end. How would any of you handle this and her? At this point I'm far to biased to look at this clearly and make a decision.

by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kristinbugg
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:12 PM
BM didn't give YOU the children, she gave them to their father.

As long as she has CO'd visitations, DH needs to abide by them. I can't believe that CPS told DH that he can inspect BM's vehicle, especially if it isn't CO'd that he has the right to do so. I also find it hard to believe that CPS advised DH to make visitation difficult for BM. That is unethical, especially since one of the major roles of any CPS worker is to strengthen and reunite families.
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Lorena
by Bronze Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:18 PM
I can understaind how you feel. Bm basically kidnaped my sks and it took us almost 4 yrs to get them after we had custody. The judge gave her Tuesday- Friday every week unsupervised right off the bat.
As far as the visit goes she.can cancel but you can not with hold. If she doesn't have transpiration then she would have to cancel. However, incase her story is correct and she wont be able to get the kids aftet this visit I would offer her a shorter visit at say the mall and she can find a ride there. This way she gets to see them and your not doing all the driving. But that would be my last option. I would ask her if she had a friend, relative, bus, or cab that she could take.
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sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:21 PM
She didn't give you those kids.

Take them to see her. If she really truly is sick. It'll be on you and DH if she dies without seeing them again. How are you going to explain that to the kids when the ask questions?
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sweetsablink
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:25 PM
2 moms liked this

She was abusing and neglecting them, skipping out for months on end and you're surprised they gave us the go ahead to make it difficult for her to take them? She's done nothing but hurt them and skip out on them, why should I make it easy for her to do it over and over again? Why would anyone want to put any child through what she has put them through? And it's not the vehicle we inspect edit was the carseats themselves. The first ones she tried to use were over 8 years old. They wren't even legal. Would you let your toddlers ride in carseats that old knowing they were unsafe and illegal? Even your step children? If she had gotten in a wreck with them they would have had no chance.


Quoting kristinbugg:

BM didn't give YOU the children, she gave them to their father.

As long as she has CO'd visitations, DH needs to abide by them. I can't believe that CPS told DH that he can inspect BM's vehicle, especially if it isn't CO'd that he has the right to do so. I also find it hard to believe that CPS advised DH to make visitation difficult for BM. That is unethical, especially since one of the major roles of any CPS worker is to strengthen and reunite families.



LovingMy2x4
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:26 PM
2 moms liked this

My lawyer advised me to make things difficult for their bio-dad to see my kids too (which I havent done, and dont know if I ever really will). BD rarely visits and when he does it is always very damaging to the kids. I truly believe there are some situations where the children are better off not seeing their bio-parent. I think this is one of those situations. 

Quoting kristinbugg:

BM didn't give YOU the children, she gave them to their father.

As long as she has CO'd visitations, DH needs to abide by them. I can't believe that CPS told DH that he can inspect BM's vehicle, especially if it isn't CO'd that he has the right to do so. I also find it hard to believe that CPS advised DH to make visitation difficult for BM. That is unethical, especially since one of the major roles of any CPS worker is to strengthen and reunite families.


*J*

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:28 PM

 well, when SO first left BM and she filed in court saying she was "afraid of him "even though there had never been a single incidence of domestic violence, she told the court he had a suspended license so the judge ordered him to sell his truck and split the proceeds w BM, and that she was allowed to question any licensed driver he brought and check their insurance.

i understand requiring him to have a licensed driver if he was not licensed but i dont understand him being CO'd to sell a vehicle he owned. my point, thy can order any ridiculous shit they want.

Quoting kristinbugg:

BM didn't give YOU the children, she gave them to their father.

As long as she has CO'd visitations, DH needs to abide by them. I can't believe that CPS told DH that he can inspect BM's vehicle, especially if it isn't CO'd that he has the right to do so. I also find it hard to believe that CPS advised DH to make visitation difficult for BM. That is unethical, especially since one of the major roles of any CPS worker is to strengthen and reunite families.

 

 
        
         

kristinbugg
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:30 PM
That was YOUR lawyer though. A CPS worker should be unbiased. The advice that OP claims to have been given by a CPS worker is unethical, both professionally and morally.


Quoting LovingMy2x4:

My lawyer advised me to make things difficult for their bio-dad to see my kids too (which I havent done, and dont know if I ever really will). BD rarely visits and when he does it is always very damaging to the kids. I truly believe there are some situations where the children are better off not seeing their bio-parent. I think this is one of those situations. 

Quoting kristinbugg:

BM didn't give YOU the children, she gave them to their father.



As long as she has CO'd visitations, DH needs to abide by them. I can't believe that CPS told DH that he can inspect BM's vehicle, especially if it isn't CO'd that he has the right to do so. I also find it hard to believe that CPS advised DH to make visitation difficult for BM. That is unethical, especially since one of the major roles of any CPS worker is to strengthen and reunite families.



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kristinbugg
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:32 PM
My point was, is that it WASN'T CO'd for OP's DH to be able to inspect BM's vehicle/carseats.


Quoting faerie75:

 well, when SO first left BM and she filed in court saying she was "afraid of him "even though there had never been a single incidence of domestic violence, she told the court he had a suspended license so the judge ordered him to sell his truck and split the proceeds w BM, and that she was allowed to question any licensed driver he brought and check their insurance.


i understand requiring him to have a licensed driver if he was not licensed but i dont understand him being CO'd to sell a vehicle he owned. my point, thy can order any ridiculous shit they want.


Quoting kristinbugg:

BM didn't give YOU the children, she gave them to their father.

As long as she has CO'd visitations, DH needs to abide by them. I can't believe that CPS told DH that he can inspect BM's vehicle, especially if it isn't CO'd that he has the right to do so. I also find it hard to believe that CPS advised DH to make visitation difficult for BM. That is unethical, especially since one of the major roles of any CPS worker is to strengthen and reunite families.

 


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LovingMy2x4
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:32 PM

Unless they thought that was in the best interest of the children, but didnt have enough concrete evidence to take the visitations away. Just a thought? I've never dealt with CPS, so I could be wrong.

Quoting kristinbugg:

That was YOUR lawyer though. A CPS worker should be unbiased. The advice that OP claims to have been given by a CPS worker is unethical, both professionally and morally.


Quoting LovingMy2x4:

My lawyer advised me to make things difficult for their bio-dad to see my kids too (which I havent done, and dont know if I ever really will). BD rarely visits and when he does it is always very damaging to the kids. I truly believe there are some situations where the children are better off not seeing their bio-parent. I think this is one of those situations. 

Quoting kristinbugg:

BM didn't give YOU the children, she gave them to their father.



As long as she has CO'd visitations, DH needs to abide by them. I can't believe that CPS told DH that he can inspect BM's vehicle, especially if it isn't CO'd that he has the right to do so. I also find it hard to believe that CPS advised DH to make visitation difficult for BM. That is unethical, especially since one of the major roles of any CPS worker is to strengthen and reunite families.




*J*

kristinbugg
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:36 PM
I am. That CPS worker was being VERY unethical to even suggest that DH make BM's CO'd visitation difficult. It isn't that worker's place to suggest that your DH interfere in the children's relationship and access to their mother.

YOU don't need to make anything easy for BM. Your DH needs to handle the situation and YOU need to step back. These are not YOUR children. BM is still their mother, regardless of what DH thinks of her. YOU really have no bearing in this situation.


Quoting sweetsablink:

She was abusing and neglecting them, skipping out for months on end and you're surprised they gave us the go ahead to make it difficult for her to take them? She's done nothing but hurt them and skip out on them, why should I make it easy for her to do it over and over again? Why would anyone want to put any child through what she has put them through? And it's not the vehicle we inspect edit was the carseats themselves. The first ones she tried to use were over 8 years old. They wren't even legal. Would you let your toddlers ride in carseats that old knowing they were unsafe and illegal? Even your step children? If she had gotten in a wreck with them they would have had no chance.



Quoting kristinbugg:

BM didn't give YOU the children, she gave them to their father.



As long as she has CO'd visitations, DH needs to abide by them. I can't believe that CPS told DH that he can inspect BM's vehicle, especially if it isn't CO'd that he has the right to do so. I also find it hard to believe that CPS advised DH to make visitation difficult for BM. That is unethical, especially since one of the major roles of any CPS worker is to strengthen and reunite families.





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