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This is going to be long.

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A little background. When DH and I met he had 3 young children with another woman (technically only 2, but 1 was on the way.) We sarted dating shortly before the youngest was born and due to financial problems I ended up moving in with him way sooner than either of us planned. As soon as I moved in with him I realized how crazy his ex was. She would randomly show up at our house and throw things at the door, threatened to burn it down, tried to run me over when she saw me walking to work one day (I literally lived across the street from my job at the time, so there was no reason to drive until then.) A whole list of things. Unfortunately I could never prove it and the best I was able to get from the police was a no trespassing order that expired in 2 months. Then the baby got here. A month after she was born BM gave the children up to my DH and vanished. That was in October of 2011. So all of a sudden we had 3 kids one of whom was only a month and a half old. DH and I had a very long talk and I decided I was going to stay and help him raise the kids as best I could. I felt bad for them and really cared about him. It was a crappy situation all around but we pulled together and created a family. 

We got married the following March and were given full legal custody of the children. By this point these were my kiddos. I fell so in love with them and still am to this day. They make every morning worth it and  I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. Them or their father. We created an awesome family and they were flourishing. CPS was involved in the whole custody process because they had been about to remove them from their mother's custody. While they were living with her they were going without food so she and the dog could eat, sleeping on a concrete floor even though they had beds (she was too lazy to set them up and wouldn't let DH or I in the house to do it), she went through less that 20 diapers a week between all 3 of them (they were all still in diapers at thsi point) and they always had bloody raw rashes down their legs and butts. We were also informed by CPS that there were multiple reports of verbal and physical abuse and neglect. Like I said, the woman is bat-shit crazy. But we got the kids from her and everything was going great until last May.

Out of the blue DH was summoned to court for a visitation hearing. BM didn't show up but the judge granted her visitation anyways. Every other weekend for 8 hours unsupervised. Why he did this is beyond me but we had no choice but to let her have the visitations. They were horrible. The kids came back starving every time, having not been changed, and with horrible attitudes (the oldest wouldn't call me anything but "bitch" for three days after the first visit because mommy told him that's what I was.) It was a nightmare. DH called CPS and when they were involved again she cleaned up her act by not showing up for the visitations at all. She did this from about June to October then wanted the visits back again. Legally we had no choice (we spoke to several lawyers and they told us we would be in contempt of court if we did not allow the visits) so we let them start going again. CPS remained involved, however, and with them on her heels she stayed in line pretty well until November. Then visits started being cancelled again and kids started coming back with diaper rashes every time she did decide to take them. However she's not legally required to attend the visits and CPS said there is nothing they can do because of diaper rashes alone. We would have to somehow prove they were being neglected and/or abused again. But we could make her visitations as hard as possible. Make her furnish her own vehicle and carseats (which we could inspect) hold her to the schedule lined out in the visiation to a T, and so on. Which we have done. Then last night she calls DH crying her eyes out saying she has cervical cancer (keep in mind she's a compulsive liar. She claimed her back was broken a few months ago, she had a terrible case of mono and the doctors were going to hospitalize her, she had to have 2 knee surgeries, the list goes on. None of these things were true.) and that her car was broke down and she needed us to bring the kids to her for her visit this weekend (it will be the first one she has attended in over a month). She practically begged him because she claims she will be moving over an hour away to get chemo and everything in 2 weeks and she doesn't think she will be able to see them after that.

I don't believe her for a second but on the off chance she is telling the truth would it really hurt to bring them to her once? I know it's a really long post for such a simple question but I wanted you all to understand all my reservations. These are my kids as far as I am concerned and I want them to be safe. I do not believe they are safe when they are with her and she is quite obviously a horrible example. But she is their BM and I'm torn between feeling like she has a right to see them and that she lost that right when she gave them to me. It's a crazy situation and I'm not sure how to handle it, anymore. I want to be a scathing bitch to her but I feel like all that will accomplish is to create tension my kids will have to suffer for in the end. How would any of you handle this and her? At this point I'm far to biased to look at this clearly and make a decision.

by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 3:03 PM
Replies (21-25):
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 12:03 AM

How is making sure she is equiped to take the children wrong? If she has a history of neglect-hence she doesn't have sole or equal custody of the kids shouldn't she be subjected to someone making sure? It wouldn't be "making it difficult" if she was a decent mother in the first place. But then, my definition of mother is different. Let her work for it. She can make those kids a part of her life when she shows she's willing to do halfof what you would. As far as her having cancer, I would absolutely arrange a visit, you never know it could be true. 

by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 12:37 AM
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What I don't understand is why anyone is worried about CPS not holding up a code of ethics in advising the dad to make the visitations difficult...and why no one is concerned that CPS hasn't made it impossible for the mother to have visitations yet?
If they aren't keeping the children safe by now is it really that shocking that they would be bias towards the better parent?
My step dad is a social worker, he has had to go remove children from their homes before for way less than this (for absurd reasons sometimes) and many times those kids have been put in foster care programs where they're abused sexually or physically while waiting to be placed back with their parents and in the meantime they are way worse off than they would have been just staying with their parents.
Then you see situations like this where they sit back and do nothing. The system is screwed up
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by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 1:36 AM

I guess I read it more as if BM wants the visitation, she needs to come pick the child up instead of the OP's hubby always driving to her that sort of thing. Which technically he doesn't have to unless it is put in the CO that they meet halfway. Otherwise its up to BM. Just as most things would be I'm guessing. My thought is also the CPS worker knows BM is dangerous for the child in the sense of emotional, psychological, and possibly physical reasons. I'm not a worker, so I'm not seeing it from that point of view, but I am seeing it from a more psychological, moral, and personal point of view. 

Quoting kristinbugg:

It depends. In OP's case, OP's DH was advised to make BM's COURT ORDERED visitation as difficult as possible. It's not the CPS worker's place to give such horrible advice. A judge ordered that BM is allowed to have unsupervised visitation. The judge did NOT order that BD can make BM's visitation difficult, just because he can.

Quoting ejsmom4604:

Then I would think the same could be said about the CPS worker my DH is working with. They are working against BM. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. SS would be much better off with us for many reasons, but wouldn't it be the same thing? 

Quoting kristinbugg:

You're preaching to the choir. I am a CPS worker.

There is a HUGE difference between working with a parent and being blatantly biased toward one parent over the other. The bottom line is that the CPS worker in this case is being very unprofessional and unethical.

Quoting ejsmom4604:

Actually CPS's job is to make sure the children are in the most safe environment possible. Their job is not to reunite, though that is a goal, ultimately that is not their job. DH is working with CPS in NYS (we are in PA) where SS lives. They want DH to have full custody and they keep him posted on everything. Why? Because BM neglected SS and has proven time and again she puts her interests before SS's. They have repeatedly helped DH and advised him as to what to do and how to do it. They told DH (in front of me) that their only concern is that SS is in a home that is safe, loving, and will give him what he needs for his situation (he is special needs). They do not believe BM can do all this, and are doing all they can for DH to have full custody and to keep supervised visits (which CPS here in PA already told DH they would transfer since they are aware of the situation). In the end it's up to a judge what happens, but CPS can advise things in the best interest of the child. 

Quoting kristinbugg:

That was YOUR lawyer though. A CPS worker should be unbiased. The advice that OP claims to have been given by a CPS worker is unethical, both professionally and morally.

Quoting LovingMy2x4:

My lawyer advised me to make things difficult for their bio-dad to see my kids too (which I havent done, and dont know if I ever really will). BD rarely visits and when he does it is always very damaging to the kids. I truly believe there are some situations where the children are better off not seeing their bio-parent. I think this is one of those situations. 

Quoting kristinbugg:

BM didn't give YOU the children, she gave them to their father.

As long as she has CO'd visitations, DH needs to abide by them. I can't believe that CPS told DH that he can inspect BM's vehicle, especially if it isn't CO'd that he has the right to do so. I also find it hard to believe that CPS advised DH to make visitation difficult for BM. That is unethical, especially since one of the major roles of any CPS worker is to strengthen and reunite families.

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by Silver Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 10:11 AM
It sounds like you have answered your own question. And because you are a decent caring person, you want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Personally, I think, at this point, it's about what will be best for those babies, however, I have issues with moms who give their kids up, or more importantly disrupt their kids lives the way this BM is doing. It's one thing to share custody regardless of the time lines, but to just be in and out of their lives is self centered. This is just my opinion and I realize that circumstances do alter cases. Good luck, sweetie.
Final thought, because I worry about everything, I'd be afraid she would steal them or that she has an ulterior motive this time.
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by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 3:41 PM
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Given the info you have posted here, there is no way I would bring the children to her & I would keep a clear con science whether she's telling the truth or not.
I wouldn't care what she tried to drag DH through for not driving them to her. Unless that CO states "DH is to bring the children to their mother for visitation" they don't go.
You can follow the CO to a T & because BM hasn't improved her life, she is not able to exercise her visitation, simple as that. A sob story about how she may or may not be crippled or dying is too late. Maybe if she said she had a brain tumor that made her act like a baby abusing B, I would cut her a little slack. Lol.

All BM's BS aside, what was your DH thinking? He had 3 children with this woman in quick succession. Where was the "crazy radar" out for repairs? It's a very sad situation but I really wonder about these men who have such nasty exes who hurt their kids (my DH has not been spared the questioning).
Good Luck with your situation & don't feel bad if your DH chooses not to drive the kids...if she wants her time, she'll find a way.
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