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Who am I? (long.. sorry)

Posted by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 2:31 AM
  • 4 Replies

In 2004, I met a man who was, yes, older than I was, but seemed like everything I ever wanted. His daughter was only a year younger than me, his son was 7 years younger than me - I was 19 and very naive. The kids' BM had died suddenly in 2000. I tried to respect her memory as I spent the next 5 years raising her son. I was far more involved than my now ex-DH in my SS's life. I went to conferences, dropped everything and left work to go to the school when there was a problem, took SS places when exDH was busy, fundraised for a field trip to the East Coast, sat up with SS when he was sleepwalking and having night terrors as a teen, etc. In the beginning, I would call exDH and ask him what he wanted me to do, but within a year, his quick response was "I don't have time to deal with it, figure it out." So that's what I did. The most help I had was from SD because, I realized, she had been the one raising SS since their BM passed away. My youth and naivete eventually caught up with me, things spiraled, exDH and I got divorced, and SS who had a lot of problems by then went away to Job Corps for a while. During our divorce, exDH actually thanked me for being a good SM to his son and for always being there and doing everything that I could. SS and I tried to keep in touch for a while, but it got harder (Job Corps limits contact without the outside world to help reduce negative influences.) After SS left Job Corps, I would call and leave messages or send him messages on fb, but very rarely heard back from him. He recently turned 21, is engaged and has a second daughter on the way. I got to talk to him on his birthday, but hadn't had him return a phone call in over a year before that. He contacts my sister, who lives closer to him, more than he contacts me.

Tbh, I feel lost. I guess I just don't know who I am to him. I honestly felt like a mother, or at least the closest I'll ever be to one, but now I feel a constant loss (trust me, I know this is nothing like the loss of a biological child, so please no one assume that). It's kind of like I feel like my "mom" card got revoked. I've been divorced since 2009 and I still cry about this and think I should have done better, been a better SM somehow, or waited for my marriage to fall apart until I could have helped SS. Is there anyone out there who can relate? Anyone with any wise words?

(This is my first CM post. I've been on CM for a while, now, though, and kind of kicking myself wondering if I'm just here looking for some kind of validation and if it's sick because I'm not a "real mom.")

by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 2:31 AM
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Replies (1-4):
pristine729
by Bronze Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 7:43 AM
2 moms liked this
Being a step parent is a thankless job.
Kudos to you for stepping up when you were so young yourself.
You sacrificed. You're family benefited from it. You did your job, Mom. Now it's time to focus on yourself. As most moms do when the children move out and have lives of their own.
Continue to keep in touch with your son, one day when he isn't wrapped up in life, he'll thank you. Like, really thank you.
Date, remarry and have a baby... You're still young!
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FloridaMomma
by Silver Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 7:47 AM
It's okay to greive. You took on a lot at a young age. And without much emotional support from your then DH. Give yourself time. Divorce hurts. And, I remember how much it hurt that it felt like I was losing BF's family too. Time will heal if you let it.
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mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 8:37 AM
2 moms liked this
Agreed you might even find that u raising him has helped u too. Now you know u will make a great mom.


Quoting pristine729:

Being a step parent is a thankless job.

Kudos to you for stepping up when you were so young yourself.

You sacrificed. You're family benefited from it. You did your job, Mom. Now it's time to focus on yourself. As most moms do when the children move out and have lives of their own.

Continue to keep in touch with your son, one day when he isn't wrapped up in life, he'll thank you. Like, really thank you.

Date, remarry and have a baby... You're still young!

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
amonkeymom
by Amy on Feb. 2, 2013 at 4:36 PM

Welcome.  I agree with what this member has to say.  (((hug)))

Quoting pristine729:

Being a step parent is a thankless job.
Kudos to you for stepping up when you were so young yourself.
You sacrificed. You're family benefited from it. You did your job, Mom. Now it's time to focus on yourself. As most moms do when the children move out and have lives of their own.
Continue to keep in touch with your son, one day when he isn't wrapped up in life, he'll thank you. Like, really thank you.
Date, remarry and have a baby... You're still young!


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