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Different families will have different ways of parenting, rules, suggestions etc

Posted by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 1:28 PM
  • 37 Replies

 

Poll

Question: Do you feel that DH should remove Sally from SD contact list

Options:

No, because dh trust and knows Sally very well to add her to all of his kids contact information

yes, because bm doesnt know her

What ever dh choose to do since she's only listed to pick her up during his parenting time per his approval


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 24

View Results

So recently the school sent out letters with the children asking for parents to update thier child's school records.  DH brought it to my attention that the paperwork needed to be returned immediately.  That night DH asked if I think he should redue my sd contact info since her paperwork is freshly new because SD just started going back to school fulltime(her mother finally fell threw with the agreement). I told him to be on the safe side yes redue hers as well and contact bm just in case she or her family may have changed any of their information within the last couple weeks.  So dh text bm and asked her for all of the people she wants on sd release forms and emergency contacts from her side of the family.  BM did send him the  names addresses and phone numbers of the people, only 2 of them had a change of address.  Dh listed all the same people from our side of the family adding my cousin which is also his bestfriend wife. So yesturday when bm came to pick up sd she told DH that she asked the school to see sd ontact information and she noticed a person by the name of lets say "Sally Kream" and that she doesnt no this person or never meet her so she doesnt feel that she needs to be on the paperwork giving authorized pick up for sd and how he needs to get approval from her 1st.  So dh told her that both of them have joint legal custody and that he doesnt not need her approval and she does not have to konw sally because he knows her very well and so does sd and that he added her to the paperwork because during the time sd may be over during my DH parenting time and we may need sally to pick up our kids she able to get sd as well.  Why would sd be left in school if were sending Sally to pick up the other kids.  Bm still said she felt like she needed to know her first.  So dh told her she might as well get over herself because its people he doesnt know from bm side that my sd as interaction with as well a few people on the school paperwork she wanted listed.  He informed bm that if he had someone in question that wasnt trust worthy, reliable etc he wouldnt put that specific person on any of his children's things period. He told BM that this is all apart of them 2 raising a child in two different households and families that sometimes their will be things and or people that the other parent doesnt not know about.


BM is still upset because she doesnt know "Sally" and she feels that Sally shouldnt be on their.  BM fail to realize that if dh acted out the way she does her life would be turnt upside down.  Raising a child seperatly will often be raised different and have different rules, way of raising, different people just different pretty much bearly anything will be the same when you have a child in 2 different homes.  BM needs to sit and relax and worry about what she has to and need to do when she has sd on her own time......although I can feel what bm is saying because she doesnt know her and she's not at ease but and the same time I see why dh added her as well and my sd do spend lots of time with "Sally and her daughters"


Also since both parents have split times their is a code that both parents have(different codes) when either parent needs someone to pic up the kids or just SD(during her mother time) will call the school giving the special code saying its okay to relase the child/children to___________.This doesnt apply to me or SF.

by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 1:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 1:55 PM
I haven't voted yet and the reason is because I don't know enough yet to know my opinion.

Who does the child live with during majority of school days? Why is there so many people listed? When I need someone other than myself to pick up one of my children, I send a handwritten note or an email to the school granting that person permission that one time. And both schools are completely fine with this. It keeps any confusion out of the entire mess. I don't grant SPs authority to pick up my child except for THAT specific day that it is needed.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 2:04 PM
1 mom liked this
This statement:
BM needs to sit and relax and worry about what she has to and need to do when she has sd on her own time......

It is difficult for parents to just sit and not worry about their children. Do you realize that I often think about my children while I am working? There really is never a time that my children don't cross my mind at some point during the day. Especially when I am working and someone asks 'have you seen the news. There was a school shooting and 20 children have been killed'. For a moment my heart stopped and I had to bring myself down to reality and say, my children are fine. This morning, another example, my daughter is not here this weekend. It is 'not' my 'time' but I'm still her mom and while I was eating breakfast, I thought of my daughter. I wondered, did she have a good day yesterday at school? Wonder what she is doing today, it's such a pretty day outside. Oh I need to pick her up a sweat jacket today while I am out. I noticed her bed wasn't made when I passed by her room, I'll go make her bed when I'm done. Oh she is such a funny girl, the other day she made me laugh so hard when she told me that joke. I miss her. Wonder how she is doing today.
I am completely sane. 100% normal. But I am a mom 100% of the time. She is my daughter. I miss her. I worry about her. I don't just 'sit back' because it is not 'my time'. It really is that attitude that sort of causes some of the discord in these situations. When one house expects that the other parent needs to just not be a parent because it isn't 'their time' to be a parent, that is when the friction comes in. While yes, I do not interfere with dad's parenting time and I do not infringe on what he feels is best during his time, but I am always mom 100% of the time. And I 100% believe that if dad is not available mom should be given the chance to pick up her kid and vice versa. That is why SPs are not listed on my forms. Mom or Dad. If neither are able, then it can be 'passed' on to an SP. in my case if all 4 of us are unavailable, we find someone else.
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DDDaysh
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 2:11 PM

I couldn't follow your story.  

Why does DH need Sally to pick up the kid?  

gibro19
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 2:32 PM
1 mom liked this


You did a beautiful job of explaining your point of view - which I totally agree with.

For the sake of responding to the post as well - I can't really fully understand the dynamic between the SM and the BM - because I guess - fortunately for me the BM is not in the picture at all. She signed off her rights and has not been involved in our lives for as long as I have been a SM (9yrs).

Thinking about the situation you described however has me thinking - if it were me... I would probably have shared in how you described the BM's reaction - only because - as a parent - I always want to know the people my children spend time with. As momof2ex1 explained - you are a mom/parent 100% of the time. I mean right now - I would not allow my SD or my DS to go to a friend's house without speaking and meeting the parents  - but I do understand that I if I were a SM - I wouldn't be able to control what was happening at the BM's home. And as a parent in general - we can't control every single aspect of our children's lives - SK or not.

Guess for this situation - you always hope that one of the parents will be able to pick up a child should an emergency arise - but in that rare instance that someone else needs to step in - I would hope that even though I don't know the person who will be caring for my child in my absence - that if my ex trusts them enough with a piece of our lives - well then - I hope I could too.

Quoting momof2ex1:

This statement:
BM needs to sit and relax and worry about what she has to and need to do when she has sd on her own time......

It is difficult for parents to just sit and not worry about their children. Do you realize that I often think about my children while I am working? There really is never a time that my children don't cross my mind at some point during the day. Especially when I am working and someone asks 'have you seen the news. There was a school shooting and 20 children have been killed'. For a moment my heart stopped and I had to bring myself down to reality and say, my children are fine. This morning, another example, my daughter is not here this weekend. It is 'not' my 'time' but I'm still her mom and while I was eating breakfast, I thought of my daughter. I wondered, did she have a good day yesterday at school? Wonder what she is doing today, it's such a pretty day outside. Oh I need to pick her up a sweat jacket today while I am out. I noticed her bed wasn't made when I passed by her room, I'll go make her bed when I'm done. Oh she is such a funny girl, the other day she made me laugh so hard when she told me that joke. I miss her. Wonder how she is doing today.
I am completely sane. 100% normal. But I am a mom 100% of the time. She is my daughter. I miss her. I worry about her. I don't just 'sit back' because it is not 'my time'. It really is that attitude that sort of causes some of the discord in these situations. When one house expects that the other parent needs to just not be a parent because it isn't 'their time' to be a parent, that is when the friction comes in. While yes, I do not interfere with dad's parenting time and I do not infringe on what he feels is best during his time, but I am always mom 100% of the time. And I 100% believe that if dad is not available mom should be given the chance to pick up her kid and vice versa. That is why SPs are not listed on my forms. Mom or Dad. If neither are able, then it can be 'passed' on to an SP. in my case if all 4 of us are unavailable, we find someone else.



packermomof2
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 3:01 PM

I'd have just taken Sally off myself.  If I don't know the person, or trust them, they don't go on my kids pick up list.  Don't care how dad feels about them. 

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 3:51 PM
2 moms liked this

If you shared legal custody with your ex, would you be ok with him doing the same to your choices?

Quoting packermomof2:

I'd have just taken Sally off myself.  If I don't know the person, or trust them, they don't go on my kids pick up list.  Don't care how dad feels about them. 


tymama1022
by Bronze Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 4:50 PM

The problem is that because dad listed sally as a pick up mom has a issue with it because SHE doesnt know sally.  But its okay for mom to list X,Y,Z even though dad doesnt know them.  Dad never made it an issue because during moms parenting time if she unable to pick up sd like she suppose to on her time she would not call dad she would either send sf, or x,Y,z(people dh do not know).  Dh would see different names on the sign in/out sheet when it is his turn to get sd during his parenting time.

Quoting packermomof2:

I'd have just taken Sally off myself.  If I don't know the person, or trust them, they don't go on my kids pick up list.  Don't care how dad feels about them. 


tymama1022
by Bronze Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 4:58 PM
I dQuoting Polkadotted:

If you shared legal custody with your ex, would you be ok with him doing the same to your choices?

Quoting packermomof2:

I'd have just taken Sally off myself.  If I don't know the person, or trust them, they don't go on my kids pick up list.  Don't care how dad feels about them. 

I do share legal cusotdy with my ex My kids are home 1 extra day with me than their father on school days.  On my kids pick up info its my dh, my parents and thier Godfather on my side. Their dad put his mom, his wife and his stepbrother.  I dont understand why his brother is on their any ways since he lives 2 hours away 4 if traffic during the day.  But I cant argue with him and expect to win if were both on thier as parents and have the right to shared legal paperwork like our kids school records etc.


PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 5:04 PM
I can see why BM is upset and feels just in wanting Sally off the list... Who wants a stranger with their child? However, she is one of two parts in a co-parenting situation now and doesn't have the right to make decisions for DHs time. On both parents time they need to have people they can trust to get LO and since BM and BD now live different lives it's perfectly reasonable that they won't know the same people. I will say I think that if a parent lists a person on the school pick up list they are choosing that person as a caregiver for the child and each parent should be able to reach all caregivers when they have the child. I would give BM the name, phone, and address (if the child will be at Sally's in an emergency) of Sally. And I would expect BM to give you all her caregivers info as well. There's no greater fear than not knowing where your child is and who they are with and not being able to reach that person and neither BM nor BD should have to wonder ever.
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tymama1022
by Bronze Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 5:09 PM


Quoting momof2ex1:

This statement:
BM needs to sit and relax and worry about what she has to and need to do when she has sd on her own time......

It is difficult for parents to just sit and not worry about their children. Do you realize that I often think about my children while I am working? There really is never a time that my children don't cross my mind at some point during the day. Especially when I am working and someone asks 'have you seen the news. There was a school shooting and 20 children have been killed'. For a moment my heart stopped and I had to bring myself down to reality and say, my children are fine. This morning, another example, my daughter is not here this weekend. It is 'not' my 'time' but I'm still her mom and while I was eating breakfast, I thought of my daughter. I wondered, did she have a good day yesterday at school? Wonder what she is doing today, it's such a pretty day outside. Oh I need to pick her up a sweat jacket today while I am out. I noticed her bed wasn't made when I passed by her room, I'll go make her bed when I'm done. Oh she is such a funny girl, the other day she made me laugh so hard when she told me that joke. I miss her. Wonder how she is doing today.
I am completely sane. 100% normal. But I am a mom 100% of the time. She is my daughter. I miss her. I worry about her. I don't just 'sit back' because it is not 'my time'. It really is that attitude that sort of causes some of the discord in these situations. When one house expects that the other parent needs to just not be a parent because it isn't 'their time' to be a parent, that is when the friction comes in. While yes, I do not interfere with dad's parenting time and I do not infringe on what he feels is best during his time, but I am always mom 100% of the time. And I 100% believe that if dad is not available mom should be given the chance to pick up her kid and vice versa. That is why SPs are not listed on my forms. Mom or Dad. If neither are able, then it can be 'passed' on to an SP. in my case if all 4 of us are unavailable, we find someone else.
Thats the difference in your family you and your daughter father has it set up that way.  Bm back from the very 1st court order wanted to to be as which ever parent has that parenting time is the one who make discission on anything pretaining to the child unless its an emergency situation.  Now that Things are different now and both parents have 50/50 she wants to start controlling dh and what he does, But dont let him have a problem on what she does their goes a big ol fight.  So alot of things my dh keep quite unless its something that hurtful to thier DD.  My sd School records has so many ppl listed on her mothers side as pick up what days no one from dad side can get sd because its her parenting time.  She has this written up and how if its her day and dad or one of his people comes to get sd they need to call her 1st and get her approval.(which has never happened).  By my quote im not meaning for bm to just sit down and forget she's a mother that impossible because i thnk about my kids all day long including my sd.  when I mean about that quote above as bm needs to relax some, she looks for any small things my dh has done and if she dont think it involves her or its okay by her than she ready to argue or do something in a whild way that can result in a hug arguement that will have tention for a very long time.  She's worry about sally so much being on a pick up for my dh side when we are stuck in traffic or etc trying to get the kids including sd.


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