Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

ugh, hate feeling this way...:(

Posted by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 7:42 PM
  • 12 Replies

I posted about jealousies before and now I am having one of those moments again and I just hate feeling this way. Bm called me today to ask me to drive by one of the houses she is interested in buying to look at the neighborhood and outside. A little backstory, she lives in another state right now but plans to move very close to us this spring. BM's parents are helping them buy a house somehow otherwise they really wouldn't have been able to afford to move here. Anyway, she told me today the price range she is looking at because she wants my assistance since I already know this area. Her price range is about the same as ours was when we bought a house two years ago and I am very happy with the house we got. The only thing is I began to feel envious of the fact that she is just going to be moving into my area and possibly getting an even nicer house then we have on her parents buck and just changing our dynamics and the routine we have with the kids. I am not sure if it's the house that I care about so much as the seeming invasion of personal space. I know it is not my choice and she has every right to move here, it just feels weird I guess. On top of it, BM and Dh do not have jobs here yet and her DH is planning to go to school and live off of his pension but that will not be enough to contribute to the kids expenses and so that will proabably be left to us while BM just gets to pick and choose her involvement. Trust me, I know as much as anyone I shouldn't be worried about all this ridiculousness but I just cannot seem to stop caring. 

On the positive side, we will save money on travel expenses and the kids will be able to see there mom more. I think part of my problem is I feel like if BM moves here I am going to want to disengage a little or at least step back from being so involved in the kids day-to-day lives to give more room for BM to come in. As much as I want to do that for everyone's sake I think it is going to be a tough adjustment for me, and maybe even a little painful. I fear that BM will want me to be involved when it conveineces her and when I am taking a financial burden off of her. Also my SD11 likes to play the "one-upper" game comparing her BM and SF with Dh and I and the things we have/buy/do, she likes to rub in the other parents face and compare which parent is "better" by those standards. I think that will piss me off the most. Dh is completely not thrilled about her moving here, and he is hoping somehow she decides to move a little further away. 

by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 7:42 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
gibro19
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 8:29 PM
1 mom liked this

Yikes! Sounds like you have a lot going on. A lot of stuff is about to change that could potentially add some drama to your lives that didn't really exist before.

For the sake of saying - we should always try to not worry about things we can't control or things that haven't even happened yet - in the same breath - I know that is easier said than done - because I know it is HIGHLY unlikely that I would be so kind as to scout out neighborhoods for the BM. lol

Sounds to me like you are a very giving person - you are considerate of the children and of their mother and the fact that you would "back off" to give her an opportunity to "step up" says a lot about who you are and how much you care for your SK.

Needless to say - I think all the anxiousness and apprehension you are feeling is because you really have no idea what BM is about to bring into your lives. I don't think you are jealous - maybe just a tad - only because you know how much you and your DH have to sacrifice for the kids and how hard you have to work to provide for them and have a home for your family - to then have the BM who doesn't seem to have to work as hard have more (in terms of a house) than you.

Just try to remind yourself - that you and your DH are by far more richer than the BM and SF - you have been able to care for and provide for the kids in ways they can not - and even if situations arise where you guys are financially providing more for the kids - your kids will see that you guys have and will always be there for them - in any way you can.

Keep up the good work mom!

lnr187
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 9:09 PM

 it is definitely going to change the dynamic of your life, and change your routine. that part is going to suck. is bm a good bm? does she pay child support? is she going to want more visitation with the kids? i hope the kids are happy about her moving closer, but im assuming there is a reason they live with dh and not with bm... it will take a lot of getting used to on your part and dh, and the kids for that matter. but it will happen, you'll adjust and fall back into a routine again... hopefully bm isn't a bitch though. having a bitch living nearby would suck. my ss bm lives an hour away... i'd LOVE for her to move further!

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 9:35 PM


Very well said, I think you summarized my feelings pretty well and it was nice to hear that someone can understand where I am coming from. I really am kind of a people pleaser, I love to help others and do for others above myself, I also like to keep the peace. The problem I forsee is that BM is a taker, so she will be happy to recieve help and whatever she can from me (or her parents) but not feel the need to reciprocate or even be appreciative. But regardless, I just don't want to have these feelings of envy/resentment that BM is somehow getting the better end of stick after all I have done for her kids. The crazy thing is I am happy with my life right now, and I am actually pretty fortunate, so I have no reason to be jealous. As much as I am thouroughly embarrased to admit it, I think I fear being compared to her by the kids in every aspect of our lives. Sd has done this before and it hurts, and BM comes from a family that is very competetive and materialistic so it kind of comes naturally to them. Oh well, such is life. I just need to re-focus my energy on things I can control and try to be happy for her, afterall, BM life has not all been sunshine and roses and her being happier will make the kids happy. Thanks for the kind words :)

Quoting gibro19:

Yikes! Sounds like you have a lot going on. A lot of stuff is about to change that could potentially add some drama to your lives that didn't really exist before.

For the sake of saying - we should always try to not worry about things we can't control or things that haven't even happened yet - in the same breath - I know that is easier said than done - because I know it is HIGHLY unlikely that I would be so kind as to scout out neighborhoods for the BM. lol

Sounds to me like you are a very giving person - you are considerate of the children and of their mother and the fact that you would "back off" to give her an opportunity to "step up" says a lot about who you are and how much you care for your SK.

Needless to say - I think all the anxiousness and apprehension you are feeling is because you really have no idea what BM is about to bring into your lives. I don't think you are jealous - maybe just a tad - only because you know how much you and your DH have to sacrifice for the kids and how hard you have to work to provide for them and have a home for your family - to then have the BM who doesn't seem to have to work as hard have more (in terms of a house) than you.

Just try to remind yourself - that you and your DH are by far more richer than the BM and SF - you have been able to care for and provide for the kids in ways they can not - and even if situations arise where you guys are financially providing more for the kids - your kids will see that you guys have and will always be there for them - in any way you can.

Keep up the good work mom!



child_of_fire
by Bronze Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 9:52 PM
1 mom liked this
I will say-- after being a horrifically detached mother, DSD's BM has, all the sudden, started taking her visitation, paying attention to DSD, making eye contact, etc. at first, I was terrified that DSD wouldn't want me in her life anymore-- but it winds up, DSD is just MUCH happier now. I occupy the same space I always did, except now when she goes over to Bm's, she's happy and they bond. I

Now I look back and I'm embarrassed of the tiny, quiet part of me that was scared of them having a successful relationship. All of the slights I thought I couldn't forgive BM for melted away within weeks (including 15K in CS). It just...I don't know, seeing DSD so much happier and healthier makes all the difference. It makes everything else fall away. And while I can promise this for you, having a bond with BM has actually made DSD more receptive to a close relationship with me. We've always been close, but both of us were "leaving room" for her mom. Now her mom is here and we can all just be who we are and have the relationships that make the most sense to us.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Feb. 2, 2013 at 9:55 PM


How to explain BM, let's see......she certainly has the potential to be a "bitch" and has been that way toward DH at times but she has actually gotten nicer over the years. She is bipolar and kind of a selfish person, definitely looking out for her own best interest above others. However, on the positive side she actualy really kies me and even respects me for some reason and so she has never been rude or bitchy to me specifically. She has her moments when I can tell she is irritable and during those times I just tread lightly with her. The kids are happy that she is moving her for sure, they look forward to being able to see both parents more regularly. We really don't know what the custody arrangement will be because DH and BM never went through the courts, any arrangement we have has been mutually agreed upon. DH has been custodial for the past 4 years but this year my OSD went to live with BM while the other two stayed here. I have a feeling that it will end up that DH and I are custodial for two of the kids will BM is for one while the other parent has frequent visitation and lots of flexibility. Bm has never paid CS and does not work so we just never expected anything from her and that will likely continue. She is not a bad mom she doesn't have 100% control over her bipolar so when she goes into a depression she becomes recluse and non-functional, the kids do not like being around her during those times. 

Quoting lnr187:

 it is definitely going to change the dynamic of your life, and change your routine. that part is going to suck. is bm a good bm? does she pay child support? is she going to want more visitation with the kids? i hope the kids are happy about her moving closer, but im assuming there is a reason they live with dh and not with bm... it will take a lot of getting used to on your part and dh, and the kids for that matter. but it will happen, you'll adjust and fall back into a routine again... hopefully bm isn't a bitch though. having a bitch living nearby would suck. my ss bm lives an hour away... i'd LOVE for her to move further!



lnr187
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 10:06 PM

 well it seems like you all have a decent relationship then... maybe relationship isn't the right word, but you don't hate each other. so hopefully the flexibility (no CO) will be beneficial. she can let you know when she needs a break, like when she's in a depressed state, and you can get a break since she's closer. i think i remember a post about bm moving soon and you were wondering about her watching the kids instead of paying daycare? hopefully you can all agree on what's in the best interest of the kids as far as visitation so it doesn't come down to fighting in court.

Quoting rocknmom85:

 

How to explain BM, let's see......she certainly has the potential to be a "bitch" and has been that way toward DH at times but she has actually gotten nicer over the years. She is bipolar and kind of a selfish person, definitely looking out for her own best interest above others. However, on the positive side she actualy really kies me and even respects me for some reason and so she has never been rude or bitchy to me specifically. She has her moments when I can tell she is irritable and during those times I just tread lightly with her. The kids are happy that she is moving her for sure, they look forward to being able to see both parents more regularly. We really don't know what the custody arrangement will be because DH and BM never went through the courts, any arrangement we have has been mutually agreed upon. DH has been custodial for the past 4 years but this year my OSD went to live with BM while the other two stayed here. I have a feeling that it will end up that DH and I are custodial for two of the kids will BM is for one while the other parent has frequent visitation and lots of flexibility. Bm has never paid CS and does not work so we just never expected anything from her and that will likely continue. She is not a bad mom she doesn't have 100% control over her bipolar so when she goes into a depression she becomes recluse and non-functional, the kids do not like being around her during those times. 

Quoting lnr187:

 it is definitely going to change the dynamic of your life, and change your routine. that part is going to suck. is bm a good bm? does she pay child support? is she going to want more visitation with the kids? i hope the kids are happy about her moving closer, but im assuming there is a reason they live with dh and not with bm... it will take a lot of getting used to on your part and dh, and the kids for that matter. but it will happen, you'll adjust and fall back into a routine again... hopefully bm isn't a bitch though. having a bitch living nearby would suck. my ss bm lives an hour away... i'd LOVE for her to move further!

 

 

 

Mommyof5247
by on Feb. 2, 2013 at 10:34 PM
I agree with this :)

My stepkids have a BM who doesn't have to work for anything either. Her Gma paid for her vehicle & her lawyer before, her parents pay for everything in between & now her new husband provided the means for a new vehicle & house. All the while, this woman caused trouble for us on others' dime while we raised the kids.
I don't envy her, I pity her. We get the kids everyday, we get to watch them grow & experience things daily.


Quoting gibro19:

Yikes! Sounds like you have a lot going on. A lot of stuff is about to change that could potentially add some drama to your lives that didn't really exist before.

For the sake of saying - we should always try to not worry about things we can't control or things that haven't even happened yet - in the same breath - I know that is easier said than done - because I know it is HIGHLY unlikely that I would be so kind as to scout out neighborhoods for the BM. lol

Sounds to me like you are a very giving person - you are considerate of the children and of their mother and the fact that you would "back off" to give her an opportunity to "step up" says a lot about who you are and how much you care for your SK.

Needless to say - I think all the anxiousness and apprehension you are feeling is because you really have no idea what BM is about to bring into your lives. I don't think you are jealous - maybe just a tad - only because you know how much you and your DH have to sacrifice for the kids and how hard you have to work to provide for them and have a home for your family - to then have the BM who doesn't seem to have to work as hard have more (in terms of a house) than you.

Just try to remind yourself - that you and your DH are by far more richer than the BM and SF - you have been able to care for and provide for the kids in ways they can not - and even if situations arise where you guys are financially providing more for the kids - your kids will see that you guys have and will always be there for them - in any way you can.

Keep up the good work mom!

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 11:27 AM

 

Good point. However, if BM moves here then we will likely get the kids less while she will have her cake and eat it too. She will get a very generous amount of visitation of the two kids that live with us and one of my skids will live with her primarily but she will continue to not have to pay child support or extra kid expenses and only have to pay rent/mortgage to her parents whenever she feels like it (her parents are suckers), no responsility or accountability. But your right, I wouldn't want to be like her. My DH is even more upset than I am, not as much about her parents helping but the sheer fact that she is moving to our same suburban neighborhood and will be so close. I can see smoke coming out of his ears when the topic comes up because he spoke to BM a few months ago about it and they had agreed to keep a little distance, like about a half hour drive or so. DH admitted to Bm that he still doesn't feel comfortable being around her for any length of time so it will be better for their co-parenting relationship to maintain a little distance. DH thought BM was in agreement but now BM is looking at houses just a few blocks away from us. I really am kind of afraid that things are going to get ugly between DH and BM if they have to see eachother on a regular basis.

Quoting Mommyof5247:

I agree with this :)

My stepkids have a BM who doesn't have to work for anything either. Her Gma paid for her vehicle & her lawyer before, her parents pay for everything in between & now her new husband provided the means for a new vehicle & house. All the while, this woman caused trouble for us on others' dime while we raised the kids.
I don't envy her, I pity her. We get the kids everyday, we get to watch them grow & experience things daily.


Quoting gibro19:

Yikes! Sounds like you have a lot going on. A lot of stuff is about to change that could potentially add some drama to your lives that didn't really exist before.

For the sake of saying - we should always try to not worry about things we can't control or things that haven't even happened yet - in the same breath - I know that is easier said than done - because I know it is HIGHLY unlikely that I would be so kind as to scout out neighborhoods for the BM. lol

Sounds to me like you are a very giving person - you are considerate of the children and of their mother and the fact that you would "back off" to give her an opportunity to "step up" says a lot about who you are and how much you care for your SK.

Needless to say - I think all the anxiousness and apprehension you are feeling is because you really have no idea what BM is about to bring into your lives. I don't think you are jealous - maybe just a tad - only because you know how much you and your DH have to sacrifice for the kids and how hard you have to work to provide for them and have a home for your family - to then have the BM who doesn't seem to have to work as hard have more (in terms of a house) than you.

Just try to remind yourself - that you and your DH are by far more richer than the BM and SF - you have been able to care for and provide for the kids in ways they can not - and even if situations arise where you guys are financially providing more for the kids - your kids will see that you guys have and will always be there for them - in any way you can.

Keep up the good work mom!


 

USBrit
by Silver Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 1:21 PM
1 mom liked this

If this causes you to be upset in anyway....don't be involved with their plans with a purchase. Just let them know that you are not comfortable with the research that they have asked you to do. The more involved you become with your current feeling, the worse it will become.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 7:57 PM

 i know what you are feeling.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured