New to the group and really hoping for some feedback/advice. This is the situation - last May, my then 26 year old SD called and asked her dad, my DH of 8 years, if she could stay with us "for a few weeks" while her BM settled into a new area of the country (found a job, place to live for both of them, etc.). The fact that SD hadn't worked in over a year was already a concern - no ambition, no desire to be on her own - so I agreed only if it was temporary and there was a definite plan in place. DH does not speak to his ex, so everything we were told came through SD. I guess I'm a bit cynical because I had some qualms about it, but since it was promised that it would be short term and there was an agreed upon plan to handle everything from her airfare to get to us, to a date that she would be leaving by, I went along with it. The 4 weeks I was supposed to have to prepare for her coming to stay turned into a little less than two, and the half of the airfare that we were supposed to be reimbursed by her bm never materialized. But at that point - it was short term and I tried not making a mountain out of a molehill.
It's now almost 9 months later, and it turns out that the reality was that there never was really a plan for SD to move back in with her BM and what had already been a rocky relationship between me and my DH is now disintegrating quickly... and my health is suffering too. After what I'm sure was perceived as a rant by the evil SM (but in agreement with DH), SD was told she *had* to find a job - any job, with benefits, full-time, and start working toward getting her own place, own transportation etc. She got fired from a seasonal job after 2 weeks, and then took a minimum wage pt job with no benefits. She also was supposed to be pulling her share of the workload around the house - cooking, cleaning, etc. Nada - beyond doing her own laundry. DH says I need to remind her of what needs doing - I say she's an adult and should be held responsible to act like one. The problem with that is that SD had a learning disability as a child and still uses it as a crutch to get out of responsibility... and DH doesn't see the manipulativeness there. I'm guessing there's an unhealthy fear of losing her again - his ex just picked up one day 13 years ago and left with all the kids and moved out of state. He simply accepted it back then (although when I met him, I was told a different story about how it all went down) yet I can't imagine it not playing a role in what's going on now. Bottom line is, if I don't rant, nothing gets done.
That isn't the worst though. I don't know how else to put it, but I feel like I've been replaced in dh's life by my sd. Everything she wants, she gets and DH is setting a horrible example for her because he works from home and drops what he's doing any time she wants company. It's gotten to the point where I've had to give up my own fledgling business to go back to the corporate world to pay for the extra expenses - and to save my sanity because being around them puts my blood pressure through the roof. From the laziness about work to the childish antics (like the week they were trying to outdo startling each other, or the teasing/tickling/playful punching), I feel like I'm living with a 12 year old girl and a man who doesn't realize that his DD needs to grown up. DH waits on her hand and foot (she won't even make herself breakfast - waits for him to offer which takes away from his work day) yet he doesn't have time to keep promises to anyone else. They stay up til 1-2am watching tv together - yet I have to record anything I want to watch (which I can't do anyway because there's no space on the DVR because of all the stuff sd records - and yes, she has a tv in her room). DH prefers to cook meals and while we used to be able to plan meals together before sd arrived, now it's all about what they want. I honestly can't remember the last time I suggested something (even offering to cook it) and didn't get a veto from sd and then dh. I know I'm probably being petty, but it's the little things like dh saying good morning to her and totally ignoring me, asking her to go with when he takes the dogs for a walk, or even watching TV shows with her that I've asked him to watch with me in the past and was told he had no interest in them and wouldn't watch them. Everything I want to do (even babysitting my grandkids or spending time with my own kids and their families) is met with attitude from both DH and SD now.
I was so stressed out that I insisted we go for couple's counseling around the time that we found out sd's stay would be more permanent. Btw, she has said on numerous occasions that she now has no plans to leave, and DH has told me he won't make her leave - ever. Counselor agreed with me that things needed to change and numerous plans were agreed to over the course of a couple months, but nothing ever lasts more than a week. I am literally at wit's end - I've tried everything... embracing the situation and making the best of it (which has only made it worse because then it becomes a free-for-all around here), reasoning with both DH and SD (promises and plans are made and then abandoned), and now I'm seriously wondering if it's just a lost cause.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and had it work out positively? I'd appreciate any feedback, advice, anything.