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If you DON'T have kids of your own...do you regret it?

Posted by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 3:59 PM
  • 25 Replies

My husband's kids are now in their teens.  He is open to having more kids but due to his vasectomy  13 years ago, in order for us to have kids, we have to do IVF per the fertility specialist. And since we're getting ready to move overseas, specialists will be hard to come by--and so will the 10k just to give it a shot. Not to mention that I might go crazy on all the hormones.

I was never really nuts either way about kids.  Have them, don't have them, I never felt very strongly.  I like kids a lot but was not in a position where having them made sense.  Until I got married.  My dad would pony up the money if we wanted to pursue this further.  But I'm not so sure at this point.  We're nearly done with kid stuff.  Not to mention that the last time we brought up having kids, the current kiddos freaked out.  So I'm not sure how well received a baby would be.

I'm not feeling tremendous angst NOW, but I'm almost 35 and cutoff time is coming so I'm trying to decide if we should put more effort into this or not.

If you are a SP but don't/can't have your own, how do you feel about that?  



by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 3:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:03 PM

 i cant accurately reply as i DO have two kids. but they are teens. i met SO when i was 35. i previously thought i was dunzo having kids. i didnt want to start over and i was getting older anyways. but SO and i did decide we wanted one. so i am pregnant. i will be 38 in july.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 4:14 PM
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I want my own kids.  DH and I have finally bit the bullet and decided to pursue IVF after over 3 years of trying everything else.  An ectopic sealed the decision.  It's $$$, but I figure if we don't try, I'll always regret it.

Don't base this decision on the reaction of your SKs.  There's any number of reasons they may be scared... sharing dad, sharing inheritance, loyalty to BM (if she's against, they're likely to be)... but no one has a right to tell you that you shouldn't have kids.  No one.  If you and your DH decide you'd like to share this journey, go for it. 

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 5, 2013 at 7:31 PM
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Quoting Birdseed:

If you are a SP but don't/can't have your own, how do you feel about that?  




I am not in this category, but I will throw my $.02 in anyway.

I would have had kids, come hell or high water. My very identity includes my being a mom. If I had not been blessed with pregnancies I would have adopted.

I wanted a whole minivan full of kids - 6 at a minimum, but due to circumstances I only ended up with 2. I got remarried to my current husband at the age of 40 and still wanted more, but he didn't want any more kids. So, I resigned myself to just having the two, plus the two stepkids - and that is ok.

but if I had not already had my two, I would not have married my DH *or* he would have had to change his mind, because I really, really wanted to be a mom.

If you are not sure one way or the other, I can't say what you should do. But think about whether or not you want to be a mom. If you do - DON'T SETTLE. Don't let other people (your stepkids for example) influence your decision. Being a mom is the highest calling there is (my personal opinion there... not everyone will agree with that). If you want it, do it. Remember, biology is not the only way. There is adoption, and all kinds of options are open to you there.

ETA: I should mention that I am adopted (as a baby). My mother could not get pregnant. so she adopted three kids, between 1960 and 1966. Now granted, it was easier back then, but it is still possible. 

newstepmom61811
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 8:01 PM
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I can't say I regret it. I don't have kids because I can't, the choice is genetic, I'm infertile, was never my choice. Step kids do not in any way replace having your own and I know myself well enough to know neither would adoption. I want(ed) my OWN, mine and DH, yes I regret I can't, but have had to make peace with it. Life is big and I have many facets to me, much to share with many, so I do. I'm angry at God in this one area, He is big enough to handle my anger. One day he'll help me understand what His purpose was in how he created me. He does not make mistakes, made me like he did for a reason, and gave me the life he did for a reason. So I keep looking forward and focus on the blessings he has given me. Children are a very personal path for every woman. No one can say for any woman how they should or would feel.

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:52 AM

I am in a similar boat. DH has 3 kids that are now 13,11, and 9 and had a vasectomy 7 years ago. We have actually considered him getting a vasectomy reversal but I am just not sure what I want yet. I have always been nuetral about having kids too and now we also MIGHT be moving overseas and if that happens we need to save our money for that before we consider the reversal. Where overseas are you moving?? Have you considered a vasectomy reversal?

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:32 PM

Reversal has poor outcome after this length of time per the specialist we saw.  We could do that but it likely wouldn't work.  We don't know for sure where we'll go overseas  yet.  It's still up in the air.  But I can tell you that wherever we go, getting specialists like that for IVF will NOT be an option.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 4:14 PM

on the other hand... if you go overseas, you might have even better adoption opportunities than here. Because lots of countries make you spend a significant amount of time in that country. I heard 6 weeks for some countries. So  you'd'  already be there.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 4:32 PM

I suspect we will not be able to take advantage of the adoption options due to political reasons   It's sad, but even living there doesn't help if there are political issues between countires and you're there in a gov't capacity as opposed to a civilian one.  No matter how well intentioned you might be.  

I'm just not sure I can totally give up on my "I want a child of my own" thing.  I'm not quite ready to give up yet.

Maybe it will take some doing.  But it can be done if I just figure it out.  I have nothing but time now.  I would so welcome a wee one into our life knowing I can be home, be there, do it..I know it's hard.  I get that.  But I want it. 

legobaby
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 4:40 PM
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It sounds like you know what you want but are just scared it's going to be too hard due to the obstacles.

If that's the case, I think you will regret it if you don't try.

Personally, while I know everyone's experiences are different, being a step-mom versus a bio-mom are two SO TOTALLY DIFFERENT things to me, and I would be devastated I I couldn't have bio- kids. I love my SD, but almost like a niece or something I suppose. My life would absolutely be turned upside down if anything happened to my bio-kids. I have always known I wanted to be a mother, though.
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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 4:40 PM

That really depends on the country though.  It's as difficult in most western European countries to adopt an infant as it is in the States.  Those couples go to the same places as Americans/Canadians for international adoption (China, Russia, etc.).  Russia has a ban on foreign adoption to American couples.  I'm not sure if anyone else followed suit.  Politics and corruption in a lot of places makes it very hard.


Quoting whatIknownow:

on the other hand... if you go overseas, you might have even better adoption opportunities than here. Because lots of countries make you spend a significant amount of time in that country. I heard 6 weeks for some countries. So  you'd'  already be there.


 

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