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Marriage is at stake -- at odds re stepson

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My husband and I have been in counseling but the last two months not as regulalrly as we should have with Holidays etc. Now we are at a total crossroads and I really need some advice.

DH has never been married to his ex--in fact she called him 3 weeks aftter they broke up to say she was knocked up, that she had been cheating on him with a few guys and the baby was not his but she wanted him to know. Yup...real Jerry Springer stuff on her part. Anyway, 3 months go by she calls back to say she now knows the kid is his. DH clearly wanted a paternity test and sure enough he was the father.

Now it is nearly 17 years later and his sone gets everything, whenever, and wherever, however he wants it. From both his mother and more so from his father. His mother is on welfare and we have had him full time since he was 11 and could clearly see where the better household (according to a kid) would be and asked to live with us. I have been in there lives since SS was 7.

Dh and I parent totally differently. Rather than ramble on, I will sum this up: I have to either walk away from this marriage or truly learn to disengage from all forms of parenting. I have tried to disengage before and frankly I dont think I have been able to do it entirely. DH never folls through, we set rules and consequences and I am not lying 1 out of 10 times he may follow through. He will make a rule and after time will give in with an excuse as to why he is giving in. This makes me sick to watch and his son literally s**t grins as he walks away getting his way.

This time?  It is a car and drivers license. Rule set in Sept: No job, no license. No license, no car.

Guess what? DH has been taking him to test drive cars and has already scheduled his license test for 2 weeks from now. I found out by accident and DH lied to me until he knew I had him caught red handed.

This is two fold: one I am digusted by the lies and sneaking around. Two what a scrap message to teach your kid. I am angry, confused, and disgusted. This sort of this has been happening our entire marriage in regard to his son and I have had it. I feel like the 3rd wheel and it is a bad and sad place for me. I am typing this from a hotel room becasue I could not even look at them. SS does not know that we are fighting -- he was not home and thinks I am away for work, fyi.

Any thoughts?!? Need more information? Ugh...I feel terrible. :o(  I love my husband and want to be with him in so many ways and then when this happens I find him unappealing in so many ways.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 8:09 AM
Replies (21-30):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 8:33 AM

I am not condoning your husband lying to you.

however, do you think he has a right to revisit the "rule" that he put in place for his own son? Maybe he changed his mind about making him get a job first. Doesn't he have the right to change his mind about his own rule?

I am not excusing his lying. But maybe he lied because you are giving him a hard time about his own parenting of his own child?

Sadmomtrying
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 7:51 PM

I understand what u are saying, but it is the lying that really gets me. I have to respect a parent changing thier mind, but then dont lie and certainly dont bring me into a situation in which you want "back up" for a new rule and then back down. If the 3 of us sit down together to enforce rules, then the 3 of us should sit down when they are modified for whatever reason. Just how i was raised.

 

Saw the shrink tonight...we are going again next week. Just want to feel appreciated, respected, and cared for.

NJMom71
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 8:10 PM
2 moms liked this

I had a part time job at 14.

By 15 I was working 30 hours a week and full time over the summer.

When I was in highschool,  I bought my own car and paid for my own insurance.

They have this awesome thing called PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.

Or.. you can WALK,  BIKE,  or nicely ask a parent for a ride. 

My parents were more then happy to drive me to work and pick me up.


Giving a kid a car without him /her earning it is setting them up for failure.    Our youth need to learn to be independant and responsible.


I am sorry about your marriage.   I would be so out of there (with a new car too....LOL)

blondepegasus
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 12:35 AM
I agree with this. I've never heard of parents setting a "no job, no license" rule before. It's just what happens when a person turns 16/17...they get their driver's license.

Now they may not receive a car upon getting that license and may not have access to a car period, but legally they are entitled to obtain the license.


Quoting baparrot2:

No job....no license, no license no car? How does a 17 year old get and keep a job without a car? Maybe the "rule" was ridiculous to start with?


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jessesbride
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 4:33 PM

Why do you want to be with someone who is a liar... & most of his lies are handed to you?! He does not respect you or care about YOU ... I would say, move out now & begin getting your life together for yourself. IF he wants to work it out... Do not move back in until things are resolved.  Trust is a MAJOR part of marriage~ if he lies to you about this stuff... What else does he hide from you... You can say nothing... But I'm sure there are many more lies where it originates from... His mouth!!!

jessesbride
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 4:34 PM

Oh please I had a job & a lisence waaaaaaaaay before I had a car!!! You are trippin'!!!!!

jessesbride
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 4:44 PM


They are not entitled to get a license as teenagers, most if not all, states require driver's education class (& here, it costs - most places- about $300) or some training how to drive PLUS having to take tests to pass for a license plus fees to be paid for that.  Sounds as if they set boundaries for the kid to be RESPONSIBLE & prove he is ready for it.  So when this kid starts getting into trouble with the law... They gonna loose their house to bail him out because he was too lazy to be responsible ... Because of course, daddy darling was too lazy to be a good parent? & no, not teaching your kids boundaries ... Or that boundaries are made to be broken... Is Not a good parent... It just makes the parent a LIAR!!!  The kid even has this figured out...

Quoting blondepegasus:

I agree with this. I've never heard of parents setting a "no job, no license" rule before. It's just what happens when a person turns 16/17...they get their driver's license.

Now they may not receive a car upon getting that license and may not have access to a car period, but legally they are entitled to obtain the license.


Quoting baparrot2:

No job....no license, no license no car? How does a 17 year old get and keep a job without a car? Maybe the "rule" was ridiculous to start with?




blondepegasus
by Bronze Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 5:11 PM

 


Quoting jessesbride:

 

They are not entitled to get a license as teenagers, most if not all, states require driver's education class (& here, it costs - most places- about $300) or some training how to drive PLUS having to take tests to pass for a license plus fees to be paid for that.  Sounds as if they set boundaries for the kid to be RESPONSIBLE & prove he is ready for it.  So when this kid starts getting into trouble with the law... They gonna loose their house to bail him out because he was too lazy to be responsible ... Because of course, daddy darling was too lazy to be a good parent? & no, not teaching your kids boundaries ... Or that boundaries are made to be broken... Is Not a good parent... It just makes the parent a LIAR!!!  The kid even has this figured out...

Quoting blondepegasus:

I agree with this. I've never heard of parents setting a "no job, no license" rule before. It's just what happens when a person turns 16/17...they get their driver's license.

Now they may not receive a car upon getting that license and may not have access to a car period, but legally they are entitled to obtain the license.


Quoting baparrot2:

No job....no license, no license no car? How does a 17 year old get and keep a job without a car? Maybe the "rule" was ridiculous to start with?


 

 

It's a pretty big reach to equate a teenager getting his driver's license without having a job first to the kid becoming a law breaker, going to jail, and the parents losing their house due to having to bail him out!...LOL

I do agree that APPROPRIATE boundries should be set and followed through with children. The entitlement many kids display these days is appalling. However, I don't see a 17 year old wanting to get his driver's license like all of his friends and classmates and everyone else his age as selfish entitlement.

It goes without saying that he upon obtaining his license, he will have taken driver's ed and passed the required testing. In my state, driver's ed is a required class and not optional. Whether or not the kid ends up going to the DMV in the end and obtaining a license, they will have learned the rules of the road, taken simulation training, and completed a number of on the road hours. As far as the cost of the classes goes, that's an expense the parents should budget for. We just paid my sd's fees. Surely you don't expect a kid without a job to pay those fees.

I do have a problem with dad allowing the kid to always get his way and not teaching or addressing pertinent issues appropriately. The kid will have a hard time in life if he goes out into the world thinking everyone is going to cater to him. He should definitely start hearing the word "no" once in a while! It's also not cool at all that dh is keeping things like this from SM and going behind her back changing/reneging on things they have decided on together. Personally, I couldn't be married to a man like that.


 

 

Momluv269
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:19 PM

How does one possibly say that a child (bio or step) and the parenting and family life, is "between DH and SS"? It is a FAMILY. There is no sense that a mother/wife (bio or step) can pull back from her own family, household, and life. I will never understand how so many wives on CM (I do not see this in my real life) can have divisions in their family/home. Once married, we are ALL a family, and there is no "her son/his son" in my home (Im not talking about anything to do with BMs here, Im talking about our family). We make decisions together, deal with kids together, make plans for them together, discipline them together, support them together (financially), love them together, etc. We are a unit, and I could never see telling my husband to "deal with X on your own" or "X is not my problem". Blended families are complex and hard enough without creating divisions like that.

I am not trying to push my opinion on anyone else or judging how others live their lives. I truly dont understand how so many families function like that. I would think that it must create all kinds of marital problems, discipline problems, resentments, and upheaval in general.

Quoting newstepmom61811:

I see several approaches/questions to think about:
1. Is this truly just between DH and SS. How he raises his son to fail REALLY is not your problem. Now if you are angry because any of your finance are involved or you are feeling "forced" to also enable in any way, pull back. Make yourself just your husband's wife again. Make sure your money isn't going to this car if you disagree and let them deal with one another.
2. When DH complains about how Ss fails in life, refuse to listen, it ISN'T your problem and you have tried to head it off. Let him know that and tell him he and BM created it, they can complain to one another about SS and come up with an action plan to fix it.
3. And last, it sounds like you simply need to really assess your level of respect for DH. Is this the only issue where you lack respect for him and how he runs his life. Something tells me there is more. I doubt one SS can break a marriage. I sense and undercurrent of dislike of DHs approach to you in the marriage, the communication, lack of honesty with you. Those are not SS issues. Those are issues with DH and how he generally functions. You need to ask yourself, do you generally respect him as a husband, and do you work well together as husband and wife?


Momluv269
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:24 PM

OP, your husband lying, sneaking with SS behind your back, modeling and yes, encouraging, lying to your SS .... are the BIG problems that should be addressed immediately.

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