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Marriage is at stake -- at odds re stepson

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My husband and I have been in counseling but the last two months not as regulalrly as we should have with Holidays etc. Now we are at a total crossroads and I really need some advice.

DH has never been married to his ex--in fact she called him 3 weeks aftter they broke up to say she was knocked up, that she had been cheating on him with a few guys and the baby was not his but she wanted him to know. Yup...real Jerry Springer stuff on her part. Anyway, 3 months go by she calls back to say she now knows the kid is his. DH clearly wanted a paternity test and sure enough he was the father.

Now it is nearly 17 years later and his sone gets everything, whenever, and wherever, however he wants it. From both his mother and more so from his father. His mother is on welfare and we have had him full time since he was 11 and could clearly see where the better household (according to a kid) would be and asked to live with us. I have been in there lives since SS was 7.

Dh and I parent totally differently. Rather than ramble on, I will sum this up: I have to either walk away from this marriage or truly learn to disengage from all forms of parenting. I have tried to disengage before and frankly I dont think I have been able to do it entirely. DH never folls through, we set rules and consequences and I am not lying 1 out of 10 times he may follow through. He will make a rule and after time will give in with an excuse as to why he is giving in. This makes me sick to watch and his son literally s**t grins as he walks away getting his way.

This time?  It is a car and drivers license. Rule set in Sept: No job, no license. No license, no car.

Guess what? DH has been taking him to test drive cars and has already scheduled his license test for 2 weeks from now. I found out by accident and DH lied to me until he knew I had him caught red handed.

This is two fold: one I am digusted by the lies and sneaking around. Two what a scrap message to teach your kid. I am angry, confused, and disgusted. This sort of this has been happening our entire marriage in regard to his son and I have had it. I feel like the 3rd wheel and it is a bad and sad place for me. I am typing this from a hotel room becasue I could not even look at them. SS does not know that we are fighting -- he was not home and thinks I am away for work, fyi.

Any thoughts?!? Need more information? Ugh...I feel terrible. :o(  I love my husband and want to be with him in so many ways and then when this happens I find him unappealing in so many ways.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 8:09 AM
Replies (31-40):
Momluv269
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:32 PM

It is very common where I am from for a child to earn some of the money toward his first vehicle, regardless of parents ability to afford one. It teaches basic values as they emerge into adulthood (responsibility, work ethic, earning money toward a goal, pride of earning money and reaching a goal!). As a teacher, I can tell, the large majority of HS students have some time of job, be it babysitting, mowing the lawn, grocery store, busboy, etc.

Im just commenting that it is not uncommon at all.

Quoting NJMom71:

I had a part time job at 14.

By 15 I was working 30 hours a week and full time over the summer.

When I was in highschool,  I bought my own car and paid for my own insurance.

They have this awesome thing called PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.

Or.. you can WALK,  BIKE,  or nicely ask a parent for a ride. 

My parents were more then happy to drive me to work and pick me up.


Giving a kid a car without him /her earning it is setting them up for failure.    Our youth need to learn to be independant and responsible.


I am sorry about your marriage.   I would be so out of there (with a new car too....LOL)


Momluv269
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:34 PM

Changing his mind does not address lying to her. And there is never a justification for lying.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I am not condoning your husband lying to you.

however, do you think he has a right to revisit the "rule" that he put in place for his own son? Maybe he changed his mind about making him get a job first. Doesn't he have the right to change his mind about his own rule?

I am not excusing his lying. But maybe he lied because you are giving him a hard time about his own parenting of his own child?


GELiz
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 8:32 PM

My thoughts exactly- Do you have kids together? and does he parent like that with the other kids, or is he trying to make up for past troubles for the 17year old-


Quoting FloridaMomma:

It does sound like your marriage has issues. Sorry. :-( If SS is 17, won't he be moving out soon? Can you hang in there until then?



Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 11:47 PM

 

Why can't he be the one to stay in the hotel?   You shouldn't feel unable to be in  your home because of his behavior and his SS.  He should be the one inconvenienced and let you be at home while all this is settled. 

Quoting Sadmomtrying:

Hi everyone, well there are certainly a lot of differing opinons.

posting re car/job etc: We live across the road from a major mall--not a strip mall a huge one with department stores. No reason he is not working other than he is lazy and no one is holding him to the rules. We also live listerally a 3 minute walk to a coffee shop, 7 restaurants, a grocery store, and a Walgreens.

DH respectful of me: apparently not. I think when I allow myself to say this is when I start to cry again. I deserve better than that. It is breaking my heart...he is such a clueless man sometimes yet perfectly willing to go to therapy as couples and by himself. So if he did not want to try or change he would not go--at least that is my belief. So confusing..

We have a counseling appointment tomorrow and I am not going home until after that. I am in the hotel for another night.


 

Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 11:52 PM

 

Exactly, there is never a justification for lying.  I don't care if she did give him a hard time about the rule.  If she did, he should have sat down and talked to her like an adult and worked it out, not gone behind her back like a child and lied. 

Quoting Momluv269:

Changing his mind does not address lying to her. And there is never a justification for lying.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I am not condoning your husband lying to you.

however, do you think he has a right to revisit the "rule" that he put in place for his own son? Maybe he changed his mind about making him get a job first. Doesn't he have the right to change his mind about his own rule?

I am not excusing his lying. But maybe he lied because you are giving him a hard time about his own parenting of his own child?



 

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 6:50 AM
This.

Quoting macbudsmom:

I would worry that if DH does not respect or value your opinion concerning ss, that he probably doesn't in general...?

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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 7:10 AM


but which is the major complaint? The lie? or the fact that he changed the rule? To me the real egregious wrongdoing is the lie. Absolutely he should not have lied - BUT - there is a reason he lied, and the OP should examine that.

I am not suggesting "it's her fault he lied" , but rather, the situation led to the lie. He wants to parent his child, his way - and he feels like he has to answer to his wife regarding the parenting of his child. He is too chicken to stand up to  her about that, so he just lied.

I think if I were the OP I'd be focused on correcting the situation that led to the lie.

ETA: oops, I quoted the wrong reply here. I mean to quote your other reply.

Quoting Seychelles1409:


Why can't he be the one to stay in the hotel?   You shouldn't feel unable to be in  your home because of his behavior and his SS.  He should be the one inconvenienced and let you be at home while all this is settled. 

Quoting Sadmomtrying:

Hi everyone, well there are certainly a lot of differing opinons.

posting re car/job etc: We live across the road from a major mall--not a strip mall a huge one with department stores. No reason he is not working other than he is lazy and no one is holding him to the rules. We also live listerally a 3 minute walk to a coffee shop, 7 restaurants, a grocery store, and a Walgreens.

DH respectful of me: apparently not. I think when I allow myself to say this is when I start to cry again. I deserve better than that. It is breaking my heart...he is such a clueless man sometimes yet perfectly willing to go to therapy as couples and by himself. So if he did not want to try or change he would not go--at least that is my belief. So confusing..

We have a counseling appointment tomorrow and I am not going home until after that. I am in the hotel for another night.





sara_g21
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 11:28 AM
I feel for you. My SS is only five, but we have faced this big time. We do go to therapy, which helps, but then the pattern continues. I have found that if advice or parenting ideas come from someone else, it is heard more than if it comes from me. I/ "we" referr to a parenting thought Love and logic. I would check into it even if just to get some vocabulary to support what sounds like you are already trying to go. It's all about putting the responsibility on the kids, and avoiding power struggles. Good luck with this very trying situation
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DDDaysh
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 11:43 AM

Sadly, that awesome thing is not available everywhere.  

Quoting NJMom71:

I had a part time job at 14.

By 15 I was working 30 hours a week and full time over the summer.

When I was in highschool,  I bought my own car and paid for my own insurance.

They have this awesome thing called PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.

Or.. you can WALK,  BIKE,  or nicely ask a parent for a ride. 

My parents were more then happy to drive me to work and pick me up.


Giving a kid a car without him /her earning it is setting them up for failure.    Our youth need to learn to be independant and responsible.


I am sorry about your marriage.   I would be so out of there (with a new car too....LOL)


Troubleswife
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 12:02 PM
I didn't catch in the first post you had left. Good for you!!

I am sorry you are going through this but I think you made the right decision.

Update? How did the first counseling session go and what has happened since?

Good luck to you.
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