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Marriage is at stake -- at odds re stepson

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My husband and I have been in counseling but the last two months not as regulalrly as we should have with Holidays etc. Now we are at a total crossroads and I really need some advice.

DH has never been married to his ex--in fact she called him 3 weeks aftter they broke up to say she was knocked up, that she had been cheating on him with a few guys and the baby was not his but she wanted him to know. Yup...real Jerry Springer stuff on her part. Anyway, 3 months go by she calls back to say she now knows the kid is his. DH clearly wanted a paternity test and sure enough he was the father.

Now it is nearly 17 years later and his sone gets everything, whenever, and wherever, however he wants it. From both his mother and more so from his father. His mother is on welfare and we have had him full time since he was 11 and could clearly see where the better household (according to a kid) would be and asked to live with us. I have been in there lives since SS was 7.

Dh and I parent totally differently. Rather than ramble on, I will sum this up: I have to either walk away from this marriage or truly learn to disengage from all forms of parenting. I have tried to disengage before and frankly I dont think I have been able to do it entirely. DH never folls through, we set rules and consequences and I am not lying 1 out of 10 times he may follow through. He will make a rule and after time will give in with an excuse as to why he is giving in. This makes me sick to watch and his son literally s**t grins as he walks away getting his way.

This time?  It is a car and drivers license. Rule set in Sept: No job, no license. No license, no car.

Guess what? DH has been taking him to test drive cars and has already scheduled his license test for 2 weeks from now. I found out by accident and DH lied to me until he knew I had him caught red handed.

This is two fold: one I am digusted by the lies and sneaking around. Two what a scrap message to teach your kid. I am angry, confused, and disgusted. This sort of this has been happening our entire marriage in regard to his son and I have had it. I feel like the 3rd wheel and it is a bad and sad place for me. I am typing this from a hotel room becasue I could not even look at them. SS does not know that we are fighting -- he was not home and thinks I am away for work, fyi.

Any thoughts?!? Need more information? Ugh...I feel terrible. :o(  I love my husband and want to be with him in so many ways and then when this happens I find him unappealing in so many ways.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 8:09 AM
Replies (41-42):
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 1:58 PM

Excellent response!

Quoting newstepmom61811:

I see several approaches/questions to think about:
1. Is this truly just between DH and SS. How he raises his son to fail REALLY is not your problem. Now if you are angry because any of your finance are involved or you are feeling "forced" to also enable in any way, pull back. Make yourself just your husband's wife again. Make sure your money isn't going to this car if you disagree and let them deal with one another.
2. When DH complains about how Ss fails in life, refuse to listen, it ISN'T your problem and you have tried to head it off. Let him know that and tell him he and BM created it, they can complain to one another about SS and come up with an action plan to fix it.
3. And last, it sounds like you simply need to really assess your level of respect for DH. Is this the only issue where you lack respect for him and how he runs his life. Something tells me there is more. I doubt one SS can break a marriage. I sense and undercurrent of dislike of DHs approach to you in the marriage, the communication, lack of honesty with you. Those are not SS issues. Those are issues with DH and how he generally functions. You need to ask yourself, do you generally respect him as a husband, and do you work well together as husband and wife?

by Gold Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:29 AM

I get your point about the reason for the DH's lie.  I think probably the DH will have to "make this one situation right" with his wife before she will be open to examining the bigger picture of what led to the lie in the first place.  A few sessions with a marriage counselor might help them with this.   If he doesn't admit to being wrong for lying to her about the car or at least going to a counselor for guidance on this issue, I see problems ahead.

Quoting whatIknownow:

but which is the major complaint? The lie? or the fact that he changed the rule? To me the real egregious wrongdoing is the lie. Absolutely he should not have lied - BUT - there is a reason he lied, and the OP should examine that.

I am not suggesting "it's her fault he lied" , but rather, the situation led to the lie. He wants to parent his child, his way - and he feels like he has to answer to his wife regarding the parenting of his child. He is too chicken to stand up to  her about that, so he just lied.

I think if I were the OP I'd be focused on correcting the situation that led to the lie.

ETA: oops, I quoted the wrong reply here. I mean to quote your other reply.

Quoting Seychelles1409:

Why can't he be the one to stay in the hotel?   You shouldn't feel unable to be in  your home because of his behavior and his SS.  He should be the one inconvenienced and let you be at home while all this is settled. 

Quoting Sadmomtrying:

Hi everyone, well there are certainly a lot of differing opinons.

posting re car/job etc: We live across the road from a major mall--not a strip mall a huge one with department stores. No reason he is not working other than he is lazy and no one is holding him to the rules. We also live listerally a 3 minute walk to a coffee shop, 7 restaurants, a grocery store, and a Walgreens.

DH respectful of me: apparently not. I think when I allow myself to say this is when I start to cry again. I deserve better than that. It is breaking my heart...he is such a clueless man sometimes yet perfectly willing to go to therapy as couples and by himself. So if he did not want to try or change he would not go--at least that is my belief. So confusing..

We have a counseling appointment tomorrow and I am not going home until after that. I am in the hotel for another night.

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