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whoa! Major curveball....

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:47 AM
  • 17 Replies

So we just got a major curveball thrown at us the other day. DH received a possible job offer that would begin in August this year in Germany! This is happening just as BM was in the process at looking to buy a house nearby us and moving here from out of state. I admit, I have very mixed feeling about this, on one hand it could be very exciting but there are so many factors we have to take into consideration. We own a house here, custody of kids, my job, friends and family. But DH lived in Germany for 3 years when he was in the military and he LOVED it, my youngest SS was even born there. If we went we would rent our house out but as far as the kids go, that would be complicated. We know that BM could refuse to allow us to take the kids out of the country since she has joint legal custody, but we really doubt that would happen. BM really doesn't want to have all 3 kids with her full time, she would probably not be happy with it at first but then get over it. DH told me that if BM agreed, they would let the kids decide whether they wanted to stay or go, and then we would just do long distance visitation like we have been doing. I know that the consesus on her is going to be that DH would be abandoning his kids but I really don't think that is the case. Heck, BM did the same thing 5 years ago and the kids still adore her. Also this is a GREAT job, he wouldn't be able to find something that good where we live now. IDK, I guess I do want some honest opinions but just know that this has not been decided at all, it is just a possibility that could happen if we chose it.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:47 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Rae706
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:50 AM

Tough stuff! I think having a conversation with everyone is the first step. Good luck!

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:51 AM
1 mom liked this

You might want to give your attorney a call.  BM could attempt to place a geographical limit on where you move.  International relocation is also ground for change in primary custody.  I love Germany (southern... too flat in the north, lol), so I'd be inclined to jump on such an opportunity also.  You need to cover your bases with regard to custody first though.

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:59 AM

 

Yes, it would be southern Germany. I realize BM could pursue legal means to stop us from moving but I highly doubt she would. I only say that because she absolutely despises courts and would never willingly go, in fact she basically gave my DH primary custody to avoid court.

Quoting Derdriu:

You might want to give your attorney a call.  BM could attempt to place a geographical limit on where you move.  International relocation is also ground for change in primary custody.  I love Germany (southern... too flat in the north, lol), so I'd be inclined to jump on such an opportunity also.  You need to cover your bases with regard to custody first though.


 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 11:59 AM

Is this a permanent move, or is the job temporary? 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:02 PM

I think that what would work for some wouldn't work for others.  Your situation is unique to you guys so however BM and BF elect to move forward, I definitely wish you well.

We are kind of in the same boat. 

The economy really took a poop on us the last few years.  Both BF and BM were out of work when an opportunity came up that would mean BF could support the family, but would have to move.  First out of state, then overseas.

BF and BM discussed this option at length.  Other options on the table still involved BF moving out of state to take a job, with the possibility of BM following. 

BF really didn't want to be away from the kids, was used to having them 50/50 or more.  But it wasn't working financially for me to be the only one with steady employment.  So, in the end, what they worked out was that the kids would finish the school year where they are, then move with us doing summer/school break visits with mom.  There are a lot of great opportunities for them in an IB school not to mention getting to see other parts of the world and learn about new cultures.  

I will say that our family counselor strongly recommended that we, the adults, figure it out and THEN talk to the kids. (teens)  She advised against involving them a lot in the initial discussions and to instead, get the options nailed down between the parents first.  Obviously, their input mattered too.  But if it wasn't even going to be an option for them to go based on BM/BF's convos, why put them through all of that?  Putting them in a situation where they are "choosing" is not ideal.  Sounds like that's what you guys plan to do though--get the options worked out and then let the kids have some say.

One thing that we have definitely left on the table as a safety net for everyone is that this is subject to change.  We'll give it a year.  If the kids love it?  Great.  If not? We'll make modifications.  Ultimately, we all want them to be happy but we also want to be able to provide them with the things they need which is hard to do without $$.  Thus far, things are working out pretty well.  Skype and Facetime are amazing tools.  It's certainly an adjustment for everyone but I think it's doable IF Mom and Dad are on the same page and willing to work together with the best interest of the kids being the primary focus.  



rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:02 PM

 

It's a minimum 3-year commitment and could extend longer if we chose to stay.

Quoting OvrMyHead:

Is this a permanent move, or is the job temporary? 


 

Pero1
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:08 PM

Wouldn't give them the option, really! That is a once in a lifetime opportunity for them, Munich is lovely, got he mountains, got the lakes ... AND, best of all, they can start drinking beer at 16! Legally! Wahey!!!

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:14 PM

 

Thanks for your input, I agree this is something all the adults need to discuss first before involving the kids. The tough part is do we tell BM about this possibility before she buys a house and moves here? I am really not sure whether that would influence her desicion to move, but it may. I think BM was looking forward to being able to have ample visitation with the kids but not necessarily have all of them live with her full time, I also feel bad because the kids were excited that their parents would live closer together. The tough part is that my SS, who was born in Germany, has been dying to go there for years and so he would likely want to move with us as well as SD13 who does not want to live with BM. SD11 on the other hand has been wanting to live with Bm for awhile now because she misses her, but she would probably feel left out if she was the only one who stayed with BM. It's extremely complicated, so this is no easy decision. But we are kind of in the same boat where I am the only one with a long-term job and steady income, DH does not make as much as he would like to and I am the one supporting his kids financially. BM doesn't work so she depends on her DH for money. If we moved, DH would be the primary breadwinner and I would still be able to make decent money (there are jobs in Germany that are in my field). Anyway, thanks again for your response!

Quoting Birdseed:

I think that what would work for some wouldn't work for others.  Your situation is unique to you guys so however BM and BF elect to move forward, I definitely wish you well.

We are kind of in the same boat. 

The economy really took a poop on us the last few years.  Both BF and BM were out of work when an opportunity came up that would mean BF could support the family, but would have to move.  First out of state, then overseas.

BF and BM discussed this option at length.  Other options on the table still involved BF moving out of state to take a job, with the possibility of BM following. 

BF really didn't want to be away from the kids, was used to having them 50/50 or more.  But it wasn't working financially for me to be the only one with steady employment.  So, in the end, what they worked out was that the kids would finish the school year where they are, then move with us doing summer/school break visits with mom.  There are a lot of great opportunities for them in an IB school not to mention getting to see other parts of the world and learn about new cultures.  

I will say that our family counselor strongly recommended that we, the adults, figure it out and THEN talk to the kids. (teens)  She advised against involving them a lot in the initial discussions and to instead, get the options nailed down between the parents first.  Obviously, their input mattered too.  But if it wasn't even going to be an option for them to go based on BM/BF's convos, why put them through all of that?  Putting them in a situation where they are "choosing" is not ideal.  Sounds like that's what you guys plan to do though--get the options worked out and then let the kids have some say.

One thing that we have definitely left on the table as a safety net for everyone is that this is subject to change.  We'll give it a year.  If the kids love it?  Great.  If not? We'll make modifications.  Ultimately, we all want them to be happy but we also want to be able to provide them with the things they need which is hard to do without $$.  Thus far, things are working out pretty well.  Skype and Facetime are amazing tools.  It's certainly an adjustment for everyone but I think it's doable IF Mom and Dad are on the same page and willing to work together with the best interest of the kids being the primary focus.  

 

 


 

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:17 PM

 

LOL.....the job would either be in Heidelberg, Garmisch, Bitburg or near Frankfurt, there are multiple locations we can choose from.

Quoting Pero1:

Wouldn't give them the option, really! That is a once in a lifetime opportunity for them, Munich is lovely, got he mountains, got the lakes ... AND, best of all, they can start drinking beer at 16! Legally! Wahey!!!


 

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:28 PM

How near Frankfurt?  Frankfurt is... meh... I never liked Frankfurt.  There is something to be said for being near a large city though.  My personal choice off your list would be Heidelberg.


Quoting rocknmom85:

 

LOL.....the job would either be in Heidelberg, Garmisch, Bitburg or near Frankfurt, there are multiple locations we can choose from.

Quoting Pero1:

Wouldn't give them the option, really! That is a once in a lifetime opportunity for them, Munich is lovely, got he mountains, got the lakes ... AND, best of all, they can start drinking beer at 16! Legally! Wahey!!!

 

 


 

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