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Why I dislike the term BB and other early morning ruminations.

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:07 PM
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I have heard the debate and participated in the debate about the power, both negative and positive, of creating a nickname for BM.  As an aside, I don't think I have ever heard a nickname for a SF/SM or BF.  Oh lucky BMs, we get all the perks!

I personally detest "BB".  As a BM myself, there is something so completely universal about it, that it simply reinforces a stereotype as opposed to communicating a personal situation that could be hellish.  When someone says "BB", basically it is including me.  But if someone has a fun, creative, unique nickname I don't have the same knee jerk "Who the fuck are you calling all moms bitches" reaction.

For SMs out there, do you like when you read "stepmonster"?  Which isn't half as bad as bitch.

So, if you need to have a nickname, find a better one than BB.  And then learn to not use it.  Because while I think they can be helpful in the moment to isolate the hate and get some perspective, when you use them for years, it seems to me anyway that BM still holds power over you.  She matters enough to deserve a nickname.

And I could be talking out my ass.  Maybe for some of you, having a nickname for years and years is totally healthy.  I just know it isn't for me.

For awhile, DH and I called BM, She Who Can't Be Named.  But like Harry said, if we avoid using or saying Voldemort, we give him too much power.  So now we just call BM by her name.  And every now and then when she pulls some of her hateful behaviors, we fall back on the old standard.

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:07 PM
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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:14 PM
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I just think if you're hanging onto past events and drama to the extend that you feel compelled to refer to BM as "bitch", then it's going to be particularly difficult to 1) move forward and 2) hide those feelings from the SKs. 

I like "stepmonster" though.  For some reason, it just strikes me as funny.  Whether I've been called that by others, I couldn't say.  I often use it as a self-reference when teasing my SKs though. 

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:30 PM


And I like being a bitch.  It does not have to be a bad thing.  I like to think of myself as a unique bitch though.  Not just a bitch because I am a bio mom.  It is the generalization that occurs when using the term BB that bugs me.

Quoting Derdriu:

I just think if you're hanging onto past events and drama to the extend that you feel compelled to refer to BM as "bitch", then it's going to be particularly difficult to 1) move forward and 2) hide those feelings from the SKs. 

I like "stepmonster" though.  For some reason, it just strikes me as funny.  Whether I've been called that by others, I couldn't say.  I often use it as a self-reference when teasing my SKs though. 



SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:43 PM
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I really don't care about either term, as I know when used here it doesn't apply to me. Even if it did, I would be nosey and want to know why someone was using that term when referring to me.

BM in my situation is a bitch, everyone knows it and she admits to it herself. I don't refer to her as such (using BB) because it is common knowledge for me and no need for me to publicize such to everyone else. My posts alone would allude anyone to understanding that such is her nature.

When I read someone else posting such things (as BB or a nickname), I figure this woman (BM) has done a lot to earn such a title in this person's life. Sometime's DH refers to BM as she-bitch (in private) though because I think he hates using her name, lol.

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:45 PM

I really don't have an opinion on the "BB" thing.  What I really hate is being called bitter just because I'm BM.  I still don't understand what it's supposed to mean.  Does it mean I'm angry?  And if so, why?  Does it mean I want my ex back?  What does being called bitter actually imply??  lol

Happily Married | BM to DD13  DD13  DD11 | Mom to DS7 & DS3 | CP

LovingMy2x4
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:49 PM

I have a nickname for StepMom!!! SO and I call her Snow White. She is super short. Like Im 5'3 and she comes up to my chin kind of short. Well anyway, she is super short, has the same black bob haircut, and when she talks to my kids she sounds like shes singing. 

And because my skids SF works nights, he sleeps all day. SO and I call him Sleeping Beauty. Which we never would have if we didnt already call bio-kids SM Snow White.

So neither name is really mean, they're just kinda funny jokes to us :)

kela22
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:54 PM
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The way I take it (as an SM) when someone uses the term BB or another derogatory nickname for BM is that the poster in the quickest way possible is letting us know her feelings about the BM in her situation. They don't necessarily need to validate to us why they feel that way. I feel a lot of times it's meant in a humor type way, a form of release that some other SM's can relate to and would just laugh because some of us can relate.

If other BM's get offended by a poster calling someone else a b**ch then that's too bad. Why take it personally? They're not calling all BM's b**ches.

Remember, this is a SM group. SM's come here to vent, let em vent...or discuss and pick apart every word that they post, it doesn't matter, carry on.. lol
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 12:55 PM

That is how I feel about it too. It sugests to me that the poster feels there is some kind of SM vs. BM thing going on, universally. Like an "us vs. them". 

But in addition to that, I feel these kinds of nicknames perpetuate the anger and hatred, and make it impossible for the poster to move out of the past, and into the future. Impossible to drop the rope and create a better relationship going forward, because each time they mention the Mom, they are reminding themselves that they hate her.

Therefore these nicknames are not healthy. It's one thing to say, "bitch-face refused to cooperate with DH over suchandsuch," where you're using the nickname in anger in reference to a particular action she is doing. It's another thing to use that nickname all the time, even when she isnt' doing anything wrong, such as "bichface dropped off the check for cheerleading today." Then even when she isn't doing anything wrong, you are reminding yourself of past grievances. And this stops you from moving forward.


Quoting pdxmum:

I personally detest "BB".  As a BM myself, there is something so completely universal about it, that it simply reinforces a stereotype as opposed to communicating a personal situation that could be hellish.  When someone says "BB", basically it is including me

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:03 PM
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Quoting whatIknownow:

...because each time they mention the Mom, they are reminding themselves that they hate her.

Yes!  You summed it up much better than I did. 

lovemyfriend
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:06 PM
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Its SD's mom.  That person is half of her.  In my situation, yeah, her mom is no peach, but she basically leaves us alone.  Honestly there is a chance that some of her earlier attitude was caused by my 'unknown' over stepping, and I just didn't realize what I was doing.  Either way, there is no reason to call her a bitch.  I get that some people don't care, but personally, I'm not really one for names.  And if you even have the thought in your head, your SK is gonna pick up on it.  And that is never fun.

 

LOVE the HP reference.  Very fitting :)

bertaboo1
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 1:09 PM
Lol..I honestly just thought it was an autocorrect! I didn't think anything of it!
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