Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

CSM on her own

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:24 PM
  • 21 Replies

This is purely hypothetical for me, but I thought it posed a good question before it got zapped.  So considerate it a re-post of sorts.  Details fuzzy (and possibly not entirely accurate) because they weren't fully fleshed out.

Suppose BM is absent.  She's off indulging in some sort of party lifestyle, in and out of drugs, doing her thing and rarely seeing or talking to her child.  BD and CSM have custody of the child, who is a teenager.  SK toes the line in BD's presence but gives CSM trouble behind dad's back.  BD is intending to work out of a town for a few months duration and will be mostly out-of-pocket since the job requires his effort seven days per week.  He may make it home for a weekend or two, but CSM can't count on it.  Since he doesn't observe SK's disrespect for CSM, he doesn't "get" the problem.  What should CSM do?  Is she being selfish (bad wife, evil SM, etc.) to not want him to go?

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:24 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:26 PM
2 moms liked this

I really wanted to ask if there was bio-family around to take the kid, but I didn't get the chance.  And for the record, I really see it as not a CSM problem at all but a BD problem.  If there's an issue with the kid CSM can't handle, he has no business running off.

Yalls thoughts?

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:37 PM
1 mom liked this

Big red flag if SM has tried to talk to DH and he blows her off.  He needs to trust his wife enough to appreciate her perspective.  If it were me, I would be trying one more sit down family pow wow laying all my cards on the table.  Do it with SS there.  Stick to "I" statements with no blame.  Try to keep the emotion out of it.  For instance,

"I feel disrespected when SS tells me to fuck off.  DH, would you find it disrespectful if your son said that to you or am I misinterpreting?  SS, were you being disrespectful or did you just not know how to better express yourself?"

If neither of them has remorse or understanding about what you feel is disrespectful, then you have a couple of choices.  You could leave.  You could ask DH not to go.  You could stay but let DH know he needs to hire a nanny while he is gone because you will not tolerate SSs behavior.


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:57 PM
1 mom liked this

I have two answers. 

In the scenario where the CSM has been raising the child for 10+ years:  Learn to be a better parent! how did you get to this point with so little control??  Take a parent class, read some books - YOU raised this kid. She is of YOUR making. Do something about it.

In the scenario where the CSM is fairly new on the scene: Your husband should not leave you to take care of his child, if he has failed to teach her to behave. You are right to tell him you don't want him to go or to ask him to find other care for her while he is gone (eg, grandma). How would he have handled this before you came along? That is how he should handle it now.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:59 PM

oh, is this from another post? which one?

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:11 PM

Yeah, this post poofed immediately.  My reply was that Dad shouldn't take the job.  SM isn't comfortable being the only parent to this kid for the duration of the job.  She has only been SM for 4 years and the kid is 11-12 years old.  The situation isn't stable enough, IMO, for Dad to leave for such a long period of time. 

Happily Married | BM to DD13  DD13  DD11 | Mom to DS7 & DS3 | CP

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:13 PM

Did I miss this? or do I just not remember it?


Quoting KnowItAll:

Yeah, this post poofed immediately.  My reply was that Dad shouldn't take the job.  SM isn't comfortable being the only parent to this kid for the duration of the job.  She has only been SM for 4 years and the kid is 11-12 years old.  The situation isn't stable enough, IMO, for Dad to leave for such a long period of time. 



Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:16 PM
1 mom liked this

 

 

Quoting whatIknownow:

oh, is this from another post? which one?

It was a zapped post.  I suspect the poster either already knew what she needed to do or felt too vulnerable to leave it up.  And I guess you could say it bugged me to see something with the potential to be constructive/relevant to other SMs go poof.

You brought up a good point in your previous reply.  There was no info (that I recall) given with regard to how long SM had been around.  However, my oldest brother was such a PITA as a teen that, even though my parents were still married, it was not feasible for my dad to leave my mom in charge of him.  He had to cut short a temporary assignment out of state because the situation of leaving my mom to handle oldest bro alone was so disasterous.  Being consistently present in a kid's life long-term is no guarantee the kid won't be a handful.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:17 PM

If SM isn't comfortable, BF should make arrangements else tackle the issue.

DH has had to work out of state leaving me with the kids (teens) and to be frank, if I'd felt like it was going to run rampant with issues, I would've asked him to make other arrangements.  I think that the basis of trouble is truly a lack of communication and agreement between the adults.  It's not a KID problem.  

saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:21 PM
I think the bigger question is why would a parent want to leave their child with someone who has issues with your kid.

I agree its not the csm job but come on! At some point you have to find a comfy medium esp if your a csm. I would hate to not want to be around my stepson and I would hate not having my husbands support.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:26 PM

Didn't she say that BM had been out of the picture for the entire 4 years that she had been SM?  That's what I remember her saying. 

And WIKN, the post was only up about 5 minutes, if that.

Quoting Derdriu:



Quoting whatIknownow:

oh, is this from another post? which one?

It was a zapped post.  I suspect the poster either already knew what she needed to do or felt too vulnerable to leave it up.  And I guess you could say it bugged me to see something with the potential to be constructive/relevant to other SMs go poof.

You brought up a good point in your previous reply.  There was no info (that I recall) given with regard to how long SM had been around.  However, my oldest brother was such a PITA as a teen that, even though my parents were still married, it was not feasible for my dad to leave my mom in charge of him.  He had to cut short a temporary assignment out of state because the situation of leaving my mom to handle oldest bro alone was so disasterous.  Being consistently present in a kid's life long-term is no guarantee the kid won't be a handful.


Happily Married | BM to DD13  DD13  DD11 | Mom to DS7 & DS3 | CP

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)