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This is purely hypothetical for me, but I thought it posed a good question before it got zapped.  So considerate it a re-post of sorts.  Details fuzzy (and possibly not entirely accurate) because they weren't fully fleshed out.

Suppose BM is absent.  She's off indulging in some sort of party lifestyle, in and out of drugs, doing her thing and rarely seeing or talking to her child.  BD and CSM have custody of the child, who is a teenager.  SK toes the line in BD's presence but gives CSM trouble behind dad's back.  BD is intending to work out of a town for a few months duration and will be mostly out-of-pocket since the job requires his effort seven days per week.  He may make it home for a weekend or two, but CSM can't count on it.  Since he doesn't observe SK's disrespect for CSM, he doesn't "get" the problem.  What should CSM do?  Is she being selfish (bad wife, evil SM, etc.) to not want him to go?

by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 2:24 PM
Replies (11-20):
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:32 PM

You have a better memory than me.  I don't remember her giving a duration or the age of the SD, only that she was a tween/teen and BM was completely out of the picture. 


Quoting KnowItAll:

Didn't she say that BM had been out of the picture for the entire 4 years that she had been SM?  That's what I remember her saying. 

And WIKN, the post was only up about 5 minutes, if that.

Quoting Derdriu:

 

 

Quoting whatIknownow:

oh, is this from another post? which one?

It was a zapped post.  I suspect the poster either already knew what she needed to do or felt too vulnerable to leave it up.  And I guess you could say it bugged me to see something with the potential to be constructive/relevant to other SMs go poof.

You brought up a good point in your previous reply.  There was no info (that I recall) given with regard to how long SM had been around.  However, my oldest brother was such a PITA as a teen that, even though my parents were still married, it was not feasible for my dad to leave my mom in charge of him.  He had to cut short a temporary assignment out of state because the situation of leaving my mom to handle oldest bro alone was so disasterous.  Being consistently present in a kid's life long-term is no guarantee the kid won't be a handful.



 

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 3:34 PM

I think she said "prepubescent" or something like that which makes me assume around the age of 11-12. 

Quoting Derdriu:

You have a better memory than me.  I don't remember her giving a duration or the age of the SD, only that she was a tween/teen and BM was completely out of the picture. 



Happily Married | BM to DD13  DD13  DD11 | Mom to DS7 & DS3 | CP

TJandKarasMom
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 4:16 PM
This could apply to me I think...BM is absent, sd is 9.5, and can give me lots of trouble when DH isn't around, she also pushes his buttons and sometimes mine in front of him a well so he knows there are some problems. He fully backs me up though in front of sd. Sometimes when it's just me and DH he tells me I'm overreacting or to be easier on sd, but he always follows through on any punishments or anything in front of her.

If he went away I would handle things here. It would be stressful and we might have to have some Skype discipline meetings lol, but as the csm and the only mom, I would handle most of it. But that's because to us we are a regular family, we do what we would do if the kids were just ours without any other BPs.

If my DH were not as supportive or understanding or if I hadn't been in SDs life for so long then I probably wouldn't want him to go. Or if sd was a lot worse I might want mil to take her instead. I don't think sm is evil or selfish, I think it can just vary a lot based on each personal situation and the feelings and relationships involved.
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beedyrene
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 4:19 PM
Hi, thank you for reposting this. It was my post. I am new and posted this question and when I checked back later, my log in and password no longer worked and now I see my post isn't even on here?? Not sure what I did wrong. Anyway, yes my stepdaughter is 11 and my husband wants to take a job out of state for a month or 2. I have been married to him for 4 years and sd mom has been absent the entire time we have been married. We have no idea where she is. SD is very disrespectful when hubby's isnt around and we don't have the best relationship. She's a good kid but I'm not her mother and don't have that bond with her like I do my own daughter who is 2 yo. I feel like a bad person for not wanting my hubby to leave like that but I can't help it :(
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 4:29 PM

As head of his household, it's more important, IMO, that he stay if there are any problems.  There will be other opportunities.  He may have to look harder for another job or relocate as a family, but I would not advise dividing the family while there is an issue.  Tween/teen years are the most difficult to get through, for kids and parents alike.  Disrespectful behavior toward you suggests a basic lack of trust.  He can't necessarily fix that, but leaving her with no adult to enforce rules/boundaries is a bad idea.


Quoting beedyrene:

Hi, thank you for reposting this. It was my post. I am new and posted this question and when I checked back later, my log in and password no longer worked and now I see my post isn't even on here?? Not sure what I did wrong. Anyway, yes my stepdaughter is 11 and my husband wants to take a job out of state for a month or 2. I have been married to him for 4 years and sd mom has been absent the entire time we have been married. We have no idea where she is. SD is very disrespectful when hubby's isnt around and we don't have the best relationship. She's a good kid but I'm not her mother and don't have that bond with her like I do my own daughter who is 2 yo. I feel like a bad person for not wanting my hubby to leave like that but I can't help it :(


 

beedyrene
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 4:38 PM
Thank you for your advice. He is in a skilled trade union and this was just a big opportunity for him to make over $10,000 a month. We are not financially unstable at all and I feel like he needs to stay here while his daughter needs him. He is the only one who gives her what she needs to feel safe and secure. I question if this is selfish and wrong on my part because I did marry him knowing her mother wouldn't be involved and feel a sense of responsibility to her. I wouldn't hesitate to say, "Hell yes go make $10,000 in a month!" if it were just me and my daughter. That's why I'm feeling bad. Someone asked what he would do if I werent here. He wouldn't go. He turned several opportunities down Before he met me.
stepconfused182
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 6:46 PM

I do not think there's anything wrong with you not wanting to take this on. Does your SD have any other family that would be able to help out? I personally think your DH is expecting too much out of you if he does not respect your thoughts on this. I would be feeling the same way you are. 

Quoting beedyrene:

Thank you for your advice. He is in a skilled trade union and this was just a big opportunity for him to make over $10,000 a month. We are not financially unstable at all and I feel like he needs to stay here while his daughter needs him. He is the only one who gives her what she needs to feel safe and secure. I question if this is selfish and wrong on my part because I did marry him knowing her mother wouldn't be involved and feel a sense of responsibility to her. I wouldn't hesitate to say, "Hell yes go make $10,000 in a month!" if it were just me and my daughter. That's why I'm feeling bad. Someone asked what he would do if I werent here. He wouldn't go. He turned several opportunities down Before he met me.


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 6, 2013 at 7:41 PM



Quoting beedyrene:

Thank you for your advice. He is in a skilled trade union and this was just a big opportunity for him to make over $10,000 a month. We are not financially unstable at all and I feel like he needs to stay here while his daughter needs him. He is the only one who gives her what she needs to feel safe and secure. I question if this is selfish and wrong on my part because I did marry him knowing her mother wouldn't be involved and feel a sense of responsibility to her. I wouldn't hesitate to say, "Hell yes go make $10,000 in a month!" if it were just me and my daughter. That's why I'm feeling bad. Someone asked what he would do if I werent here. He wouldn't go. He turned several opportunities down Before he met me.

Maybe all of you should go to where he will be, and rent an apartment?


beedyrene
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 7:50 PM


Not a bad idea if his daughter wasn't in school and I didn't have a full time job. Might do us all some good to get away for awhile! 

Quoting whatIknownow:



Quoting beedyrene:

Thank you for your advice. He is in a skilled trade union and this was just a big opportunity for him to make over $10,000 a month. We are not financially unstable at all and I feel like he needs to stay here while his daughter needs him. He is the only one who gives her what she needs to feel safe and secure. I question if this is selfish and wrong on my part because I did marry him knowing her mother wouldn't be involved and feel a sense of responsibility to her. I wouldn't hesitate to say, "Hell yes go make $10,000 in a month!" if it were just me and my daughter. That's why I'm feeling bad. Someone asked what he would do if I werent here. He wouldn't go. He turned several opportunities down Before he met me.

Maybe all of you should go to where he will be, and rent an apartment?




beedyrene
by on Feb. 6, 2013 at 7:53 PM


My DH parents live a couple hours away. They would help if they were closer. But it's hard because my SD is obviously in school. DH said he was disappointed in me last night because I said I didn't want him leaving that long expecting me to take full responsibility of his daughter. He always always backs me up with her with the issues I have but this is a little different. He is taking a personal offense to this. 

Quoting stepconfused182:

I do not think there's anything wrong with you not wanting to take this on. Does your SD have any other family that would be able to help out? I personally think your DH is expecting too much out of you if he does not respect your thoughts on this. I would be feeling the same way you are. 

Quoting beedyrene:

Thank you for your advice. He is in a skilled trade union and this was just a big opportunity for him to make over $10,000 a month. We are not financially unstable at all and I feel like he needs to stay here while his daughter needs him. He is the only one who gives her what she needs to feel safe and secure. I question if this is selfish and wrong on my part because I did marry him knowing her mother wouldn't be involved and feel a sense of responsibility to her. I wouldn't hesitate to say, "Hell yes go make $10,000 in a month!" if it were just me and my daughter. That's why I'm feeling bad. Someone asked what he would do if I werent here. He wouldn't go. He turned several opportunities down Before he met me.




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