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Choose Now!!.... between me(the child) and her (the step mom).

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I am at a loss and really worried. My fiance's middle child is starting to make the father choose between him or me. To make matters worse the BM has a personality disorder and I have a hunch that she is guilting the kids to make them choose, especially the middle son who is easily manipulated. I have cried the past two nights the past two nights....I am at a loss on what to do. Any suggestions?

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 7:40 AM
Replies (11-20):
ManicAttack
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:47 PM
5 moms liked this
I really can't stand these smart ass type comments.

Kids can be manipulated by their parents. They can be guilted into feeling dislike for the other parent or step parent.

I'm not saying that this is always the case, but I know this happens a lot. It happens a LOT with boys and their mothers. My brother and SS both have an overwhelming desire to prove to their BMs that they love her more, they feel like her disapproval will end them, but could care less about what their fathers think. My step brother was this way with his father. His father put it inn his head that his mom was abandoning him by marrying my dad.

So despite it not being a rule, this happens.


Quoting liltigersmom:

Its alllll bms fault, because kids can't make their own decisions. Wait..they can if it supports sm.

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liltigersmom
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:49 PM
Of course kids can be manipulated. But sometimes, people just won't like you, and it has nothing to do with someone else.

Quoting ManicAttack:

I really can't stand these smart ass type comments.



Kids can be manipulated by their parents. They can be guilted into feeling dislike for the other parent or step parent.



I'm not saying that this is always the case, but I know this happens a lot. It happens a LOT with boys and their mothers. My brother and SS both have an overwhelming desire to prove to their BMs that they love her more, they feel like her disapproval will end them, but could care less about what their fathers think. My step brother was this way with his father. His father put it inn his head that his mom was abandoning him by marrying my dad.



So despite it not being a rule, this happens.




Quoting liltigersmom:

Its alllll bms fault, because kids can't make their own decisions. Wait..they can if it supports sm.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:49 PM
2 moms liked this

That's not entirely clear cut.  No man should abandon the needs of his child to pursue a woman.  However, no parent should allow their child to manipulate relationships between adults.  Hence the questions for clarification.  

Quoting rliperote2:

Yeah i agree. I dont like her title pick me or your kid.  To me thats her having a mental problem.  No man should pick a woman over there own child.  IF they did i wouldnt want them.

Quoting Derdriu:

In what situations? Taking sides in conflict? Giving attention?



 

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:52 PM

I think the title is supposed to be the kid speaking. The kid is asking his dad, pick me (the kid) or her (the SM). 


Quoting rliperote2:

Yeah i agree. I dont like her title pick me or your kid.  To me thats her having a mental problem.  No man should pick a woman over there own child.  IF they did i wouldnt want them.

Quoting Derdriu:

In what situations? Taking sides in conflict? Giving attention?




whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:53 PM


That's why I asked why the child doesn't like her. The most likely explanation is that there is an issue between the two of them directly, which can be worked out, and has nothing to do with the kids' mother.

But no answer yet.

Quoting liltigersmom:

Of course kids can be manipulated. But sometimes, people just won't like you, and it has nothing to do with someone else.

Quoting ManicAttack:

I really can't stand these smart ass type comments.



Kids can be manipulated by their parents. They can be guilted into feeling dislike for the other parent or step parent.



I'm not saying that this is always the case, but I know this happens a lot. It happens a LOT with boys and their mothers. My brother and SS both have an overwhelming desire to prove to their BMs that they love her more, they feel like her disapproval will end them, but could care less about what their fathers think. My step brother was this way with his father. His father put it inn his head that his mom was abandoning him by marrying my dad.



So despite it not being a rule, this happens.




Quoting liltigersmom:

Its alllll bms fault, because kids can't make their own decisions. Wait..they can if it supports sm.



rliperote2
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:54 PM
1 mom liked this

Well i am kinda going through that.  Im remarried and MY ex husband trys to make her pick and talks very badly about my husband.  I just dont talk about it. I tell her i love her and My husband is good to her.  I think when your a good person and do the right thing eventually the kids see who was right and who was wrong

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 1:03 PM
1 mom liked this

OP, you and your DH need to do some reading up on age appropriate child psychology and perhaps enlist the expertise of a family counselor.  This probably isn't anything personal against you, but you and Dad need to know how to create a more supportive environment so the kiddos don't feel threatened.

This is pretty NORMAL behavior.  It really is.  Even if the kid LIKES you, it's pretty normal for kids around that age to feel threatened with an impending marriage, to feel like they have to pick sides as far as loyalty between parents even if no parent is asking them to, and to want to sort out where they stand in everything.  

Put yourself in his shoes.  He has a Mom and a Dad and they're not together.  Now you're the interloper for all intents and purposes when he's had Dad to himself.  It's a recipe for problems, but with appropriate understanding and action, it can be resolved.  One HUGE way to improve things is to make sure that Dad is getting alone time with the kids--WITHOUT YOU.  Even if Dad really wants you involved (as my DH did), the simple truth is that the kids often really want time alone with their parent.  If they feel like they're being pushed out of the top spot, you can see some really interesting behaviors.  often these behaviors are almost subconsious on the part of the child and IME, have nothing to do with BM at all.  AT ALL.


rliperote2
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 1:05 PM

This is exactly what im going through with my children.  Its a constant fight to see them.  My ex left me I never dated i finally found a nice guy and my ex wanted to work things out all of a sudden.  I got married had a baby and my ex tells my kids we would be together if it wasnt for my new husband and baby.  Its a daily fight.

Quoting ManicAttack:

I really can't stand these smart ass type comments.

Kids can be manipulated by their parents. They can be guilted into feeling dislike for the other parent or step parent.

I'm not saying that this is always the case, but I know this happens a lot. It happens a LOT with boys and their mothers. My brother and SS both have an overwhelming desire to prove to their BMs that they love her more, they feel like her disapproval will end them, but could care less about what their fathers think. My step brother was this way with his father. His father put it inn his head that his mom was abandoning him by marrying my dad.

So despite it not being a rule, this happens.


Quoting liltigersmom:

Its alllll bms fault, because kids can't make their own decisions. Wait..they can if it supports sm.


happinessforyou
by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 1:05 PM
1 mom liked this

Being a step-parent is really like walking a tight-rope. Sometimes there is no "right" answer. Maybe time for a family meeting between you/DH/SK. GL!

ManicAttack
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 1:27 PM
I know the situation. SO went through it with SS. BM realized I wasn't a fling like SO's past girlfriends. We moved in together and suddenly she wanted to talk to SO about how sad she was and constantly over stayed her welcome when getting SS or dropping him off. I never got involved in all of this but it was apparent she was telling SS things because he started throwing tantrums every time he was supposed to come over. We are talking three hour crying stints, making himself throw up, etc. It happened for a long time.

What do you do though? Tell the kid mom/dad is a liar? It's a constant battle to be the "loved" parent and the "good" parent.


Quoting rliperote2:

This is exactly what im going through with my children.  Its a constant fight to see them.  My ex left me I never dated i finally found a nice guy and my ex wanted to work things out all of a sudden.  I got married had a baby and my ex tells my kids we would be together if it wasnt for my new husband and baby.  Its a daily fight.

Quoting ManicAttack:

I really can't stand these smart ass type comments.



Kids can be manipulated by their parents. They can be guilted into feeling dislike for the other parent or step parent.



I'm not saying that this is always the case, but I know this happens a lot. It happens a LOT with boys and their mothers. My brother and SS both have an overwhelming desire to prove to their BMs that they love her more, they feel like her disapproval will end them, but could care less about what their fathers think. My step brother was this way with his father. His father put it inn his head that his mom was abandoning him by marrying my dad.



So despite it not being a rule, this happens.





Quoting liltigersmom:

Its alllll bms fault, because kids can't make their own decisions. Wait..they can if it supports sm.




Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
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