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Choose Now!!.... between me(the child) and her (the step mom).

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I am at a loss and really worried. My fiance's middle child is starting to make the father choose between him or me. To make matters worse the BM has a personality disorder and I have a hunch that she is guilting the kids to make them choose, especially the middle son who is easily manipulated. I have cried the past two nights the past two nights....I am at a loss on what to do. Any suggestions?

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 7:40 AM
Replies (21-30):
rliperote2
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 1:37 PM
1 mom liked this

I dont know im still dealing with it and its been 3 years.  I never talk bad about my ex to the kids i dont want to sink down to his level.  He left me, took everything when i say everything he took 1 car sold the other.  took every penny we had in savings.  He gets Food stamps, ssi for 2 kids i dont get a penny never have.  on top of that he lives with his mom whos a nurse and dad gets a pension.  He works under the table so there getting 10k min a month on top of public assistance.  So hes able to spoil them mom has to bust her ass.  they dont understand and you cant tell them.

Quoting ManicAttack:

I know the situation. SO went through it with SS. BM realized I wasn't a fling like SO's past girlfriends. We moved in together and suddenly she wanted to talk to SO about how sad she was and constantly over stayed her welcome when getting SS or dropping him off. I never got involved in all of this but it was apparent she was telling SS things because he started throwing tantrums every time he was supposed to come over. We are talking three hour crying stints, making himself throw up, etc. It happened for a long time.

What do you do though? Tell the kid mom/dad is a liar? It's a constant battle to be the "loved" parent and the "good" parent.


Quoting rliperote2:

This is exactly what im going through with my children.  Its a constant fight to see them.  My ex left me I never dated i finally found a nice guy and my ex wanted to work things out all of a sudden.  I got married had a baby and my ex tells my kids we would be together if it wasnt for my new husband and baby.  Its a daily fight.

Quoting ManicAttack:

I really can't stand these smart ass type comments.



Kids can be manipulated by their parents. They can be guilted into feeling dislike for the other parent or step parent.



I'm not saying that this is always the case, but I know this happens a lot. It happens a LOT with boys and their mothers. My brother and SS both have an overwhelming desire to prove to their BMs that they love her more, they feel like her disapproval will end them, but could care less about what their fathers think. My step brother was this way with his father. His father put it inn his head that his mom was abandoning him by marrying my dad.



So despite it not being a rule, this happens.





Quoting liltigersmom:

Its alllll bms fault, because kids can't make their own decisions. Wait..they can if it supports sm.





conejoazul
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 1:38 PM
2 moms liked this

Voice of experience, here...  

My suggestion: Postpone the marriage until you are sure your initial "in-love" hormones have worn off. Being married to a man with a prior family is more work than being the first wife / first baby mama for a man. Make sure he is able to handle all the responsibilities of his first family before you settle for becoming his second. And don´t ever consider marrying a man who can´t put his children first.

Momluv269
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 1:48 PM

Of course children are influenced by those around them! And powerfully influenced by their parents. Child development 101. Just saying ..... not commenting on this OPs situation because there is not nearly enough details to form an opinion.

Quoting liltigersmom:

Its alllll bms fault, because kids can't make their own decisions. Wait..they can if it supports sm.


packermomof2
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 3:10 PM
1 mom liked this

Children are influenced yes, but that doesn't mean that a kid will tell a father to pick the kid or the woman just because mom says so.  I think too many SM's jump to the conclusion that it is all. mom's. fault in these situations instead of looking at the whole situation and seeing it for what it really could be... maybe the kid doesn't like you, maybe the kid needds more attention, maybe the kid is insecure in his/her relationship with the parent that is getting the demands, maybe it is mom, but chances are there are other factors at play here.

Are you diagnosing mom yourself?  If you know that kind of personal information about her is dad willing to tell her if you have any personal issues going on, too, if he is telling you this about her?  Honestly, she needs to know more than you do since you're the one around her kids.

Finally, from experience, it is irritating, as a mom, to be blamed for this sort of crap.  I got blamed when the kids didn't listen to SM at first (she jumped right in and tried to take over)... I got blamed when the kids didn't want SM calling them "her" kids (even though I said "talk to your dad" every time a kid came to me with it and left it at that), I got blamed when my oldest wouldn't talk to SM (she doesn't talk to many people, SM wasn't special, she had to be warmed up to)... SM didn't look at the situation before blaming me.  it sucked.

phoenixallison
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 4:09 PM
Look up something called parental alienation. It happened to my husband & I. In 14.5 years she did nothing but court date after court date lies after lies. We even had the counselors & schools telling the court what they saw but in the end it didnt matter. Now we dont have contact because according to the counselors & our bishop she & her mother are just trying to tear our family apart. In 2 years when she turns 18 we will allow her to contact us as long as her mother has no involvement & shes gotten treatment for her mental impairments otherwise its not safe for us or our children.
USBrit
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 5:30 PM
2 moms liked this

You don't have to do anything. If your fiance is a real man, he will see through this manipulation and be able to sit his middle child down and tell them that there is NO choice to be made. His relatioship with his children is a very different relationship than that of his Significant Other. He should be able to explain that both relationship can grow and blossom without conflict or competition. Would the middle child have done that with his own mother? NO! So DAD needs to be a man and have a serious conversation with this young man.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:28 PM

Has the OP been back?

did we ever get an answer about why the kid doesn't like her?

and why she thinks the BM is behind it?

sassy711
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 6:52 PM

How do we know the kid doesn't like her.  It could just be that the child is threatened by her presence.  It most likely has nothing to do with her per se...merely any woman the dad becomes serious about.  Unfortunately this whole issue has to be handled by the dad, not the poster.  It's his resonsibility to explain the differences between a parent/child relationship and a man/woman adult relationship and that one doesn't negate the other.  It's also possible that the BM is playing a role in this as well. 

OP, discuss this with your SO and see if he's willing to speak with the child.  As others have mentioned it may be that the kid needs some extra one on one time with day.  Be patient and good luck

Venae
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 10:35 PM

Break off the engagement - you are going to spend however long this marriage lasts dealing w/this child and the mother.  It's not worth it.  Run.  Fast.  And far away.  Now!!

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 10:39 PM
What she is saying is that when it benefits SM (like a child choosing to call SM mom) then it's ok for a child to make their own choices. But when it comes to something that does not benefit SM (like not liking SM) then it's all BMs fault for making them hate SM. when the child is 'fully' capable of making their own decisions. As long as it benefits the other person. I get what she was saying.

Quoting ManicAttack:

I really can't stand these smart ass type comments.



Kids can be manipulated by their parents. They can be guilted into feeling dislike for the other parent or step parent.



I'm not saying that this is always the case, but I know this happens a lot. It happens a LOT with boys and their mothers. My brother and SS both have an overwhelming desire to prove to their BMs that they love her more, they feel like her disapproval will end them, but could care less about what their fathers think. My step brother was this way with his father. His father put it inn his head that his mom was abandoning him by marrying my dad.



So despite it not being a rule, this happens.



Quoting liltigersmom:

Its alllll bms fault, because kids can't make their own decisions. Wait..they can if it supports sm.




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