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Choose Now!!.... between me(the child) and her (the step mom).

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I am at a loss and really worried. My fiance's middle child is starting to make the father choose between him or me. To make matters worse the BM has a personality disorder and I have a hunch that she is guilting the kids to make them choose, especially the middle son who is easily manipulated. I have cried the past two nights the past two nights....I am at a loss on what to do. Any suggestions?

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 7:40 AM
Replies (41-49):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 3:38 PM
3 moms liked this

 my SO would tell the kid that he is the adult and she is the kid and she does not call the shots.

ame4c
by Bronze Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 8:51 AM
1 mom liked this

This is why kids have the upper hand in these days and times, because we keep putting them on pedistals and allowing them to make the decisions.  Your kids know how to manipulate you and will use this to divide and conquer.  It often works too, causing 2nd divorces.  Maybe the reason 2nd marriages fail more often than 1st ones????

I'm not saying your kids are not important, just that as husband and wife you should be a team and should parent as a team.  I would not be with my man if he didn't see my kids as his own or if I could not treat his as my own.  We parent jointly, doesn't matter if they are bio or skids.

Quoting rliperote2:

I dont agree with that. Considering people remarry have kids with multiple people.  I strongly believe NOTHING comes before your children.  Thats how i feel

Quoting ame4c:

 

Quoting rliperote2:

Yeah i agree. I dont like her title pick me or your kid.  To me thats her having a mental problem.  No man should pick a woman over there own child.  IF they did i wouldnt want them.

Quoting Derdriu:

In what situations? Taking sides in conflict? Giving attention?


 I do agree and understand what you said, however, I don't think telling your child that your fiance or new wife is not going anywhere would really be chosing between the kid or the new wife.

I believe that marriage takes 3.  Man, wife and God.  So in your marriage God comes 1st, then your marriage is second.  This does not mean that your children are of less importance, but that you do not allow them to come between your marriage.  It doesn't matter if these are skids or bio kids.  When you marry you become one person. 

Your children should be your focus as a married couple.  If this is not the case, then they probably shouldn't be married.



     ame4c





 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:00 AM



Quoting catenjar:

I believe that he likes me, I am wondering if he is feeling disloyal to his biological mother. He was fine for the first three week swhen we all started living together but then he started to withdrawal.

Why would he feel disloyal to his mother?

Were you the "other woman?"

how long have his mother and father been separated?


packermomof2
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 12:17 PM



Quoting ame4c:

This is why kids have the upper hand in these days and times, because we keep putting them on pedistals and allowing them to make the decisions.  Your kids know how to manipulate you and will use this to divide and conquer.  It often works too, causing 2nd divorces.  Maybe the reason 2nd marriages fail more often than 1st ones????


Divorces happen because adults can't make the marriage work, not because kids make it happen.

I don't think that not putting 2nd, third, fourth marriages ahead of your children who have always been there, even when the marriage was dissoloving is teaching the kid anything at all except that marriage is disposable and kids are secondary to the adult desire to not live without a partner.

I don't think adults are always first, I don't think kids are either.  I think there has to be a balance.  Sometimes the marriage is first, sometimes the kids are.

You can't bring the Bible into it without bringing in the no remarriage to someone not your original spouse or else it is adultery either.  Divorce and remarriage is looked down upon in the Bible. 

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
stephie2603
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 12:25 PM
1 mom liked this

 That's because you didn't read the title right.  It says pick me (THE CHILD) or her (THE STEP MOM).  OP isn't asking him to pick. The child is.


Quoting rliperote2:

Yeah i agree. I dont like her title pick me or your kid.  To me thats her having a mental problem.  No man should pick a woman over there own child.  IF they did i wouldnt want them.

Quoting Derdriu:

In what situations? Taking sides in conflict? Giving attention?



 

catenjar
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 5:42 AM

Disloyal if he has feelings stronger for me than his mother or his mother is guilting him. She (BM) does have a personality disorder which makes her think more of herself than others especially if she is nto getting attention.  I am not the OW and my fiance has been divorced for 3 years. The BM was having an affair and chose him over the children which is why he has full custody (he wanted it anyway). Then when the BM decided she wanted a child so she wouldn't have to pay child support she chose to take the girl only. I am wondering if we (my fiance and I) aren't spending enough time with him.

catenjar
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 5:43 AM

Disloyal if he has feelings stronger for me than his mother or his mother is guilting him. She (BM) does have a personality disorder which makes her think more of herself than others especially if she is nto getting attention.  I am not the OW and my fiance has been divorced for 3 years. The BM was having an affair and chose him over the children which is why he has full custody (he wanted it anyway). Then when the BM decided she wanted a child so she wouldn't have to pay child support she chose to take the girl only. I am wondering if we (my fiance and I) aren't spending enough time with him.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 6:48 AM

Who diagnosed bm with the "personality disorder".  Was it a professional or are you just guessing.

And you haven't answered the rest of the questions.  How, exactly, do you know of bm's guilting the child.  And, if you have the child at your home most of the time, you have a very large influence.  

I think this is between you and the child.  The child doesn't like you. Perhaps start by building a relationship with the child and stop any low level nastiness you are showing towards the mother.

Its blessedly easy dot blame others (bm, the child).  But regardless of who you blame, the only actions you can change are yours.  With some influence towards dh.  So start there.  Your actions.  How are you going to build a relationship with this child. And what if the child doesn't want a relationship with you at all.  How will SO continue to parent?

Quoting catenjar:

Disloyal if he has feelings stronger for me than his mother or his mother is guilting him. She (BM) does have a personality disorder which makes her think more of herself than others especially if she is nto getting attention.  I am not the OW and my fiance has been divorced for 3 years. The BM was having an affair and chose him over the children which is why he has full custody (he wanted it anyway). Then when the BM decided she wanted a child so she wouldn't have to pay child support she chose to take the girl only. I am wondering if we (my fiance and I) aren't spending enough time with him.



Dana333810
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:53 AM

 Sounds like DH needs to grow a pair and put his foot down. Whether or not BM is putting the child up to it or not is really moot point. DH needs to let the kid know that it's not going to be that way. This is not a BM problem at all - it's a DH problem.

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