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SO and BM-happy family? no thanks. civil coparents? that's better!

Posted by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:30 AM
  • 36 Replies
1 mom liked this
A couple people made comments on the Befriending post stating the idea that BM and SO/DH are no longer family.. It made me feel good and maybe even relieved that others shared that opinion..because this is a current ongoing topic in my situation that really bothers me and one that I've questioned whether I'm being unreasonable, or need to think differently. But overall my feeling stays strong that I could not accept the idea of my SO and BM behaving like they are a family unit.

In my situation: BM went from someone that was claiming to be afraid of my SO, defacing his character (attempted restraining orders, 3rd party pickups, false accusations) all which had them in court on a pretty regular basis for both criminal and probate. He wants joint physical custody and she doesn't want him to have it. (He has visitation on the weekend 2 full days each week)

The courts got sick and tired of their case and ordered them to go to coparenting counseling for a year (only a few month's left now). No more 3rd party pickups they do it themselves. Since the switchover BM completely switched over to "let's be best friends, let's go out to breakfast, things aren't that bad, maybe someday through counseling we can work things out get back together" even though at this point in time she had recently claimed she had gotten engaged.

He has told her many times that he is not interested in getting back together and he says no whenever she invites him to the zoo, breakfast, or any other family type activity including having a joint bday party. But she is the most persistant person I have ever seen, him saying no does not deter her. She is constantly pushing the topic, she's claiming to accept the fact of them not getting back together now but keeps pushing the idea of them being best friends and a family. She wants to send him texts and pictures of her experiences with their son as they happen and would like the same from him. She doesn't get it from him and she keeps bringing it up over and over in and out of counseling. In general she wants them to be and act like and communicate like family would.

He would love it if he never had to speak to this woman again but he needs to so he tries to keep the peace. He doesn't want things to be in and out of court like before but how bout just a civil coparenting relationship?

(In case ppl ask, SS is 3, BM and SO were never married and separated shortly after baby turned 1. I have been with SO for over 1 year.)

So what are your opinions about your DH/SO and BM being best friends or family? Would it bother you? Is it like that in your scenario? Something a SM needs to just suck up and get over?
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by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:30 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:38 AM

 I think I misunderstood the other post on the family aspect. When I was reading it, I interpretted it as being family on special occasions. Birthdays and holidays, basically.

I would totally love it if my ex and I could be friends and present a united front, be there together for my son. I would love it if I could call him up on my son's birthday and be like "hey, we're going here for dinner at X time, see you then" or something to that effect. You know? But as an everyday thing? No, we're not family anymore in that sense.

IntactivistMama
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:39 AM
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They're co-parents. It's that simple. :-)
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Hatred4none
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:47 AM

honestly, never been in this situation, but yes they are not a family persay, but they are co parenting. if she is sharing pics of their child that's fine and yes it would be civil if your SO/DH should share pics of their child, but he doen't need to make it personal like a quick text with smiles and maybe a pic of himself, thats wrong. he can print pics of said child or email them together at the end of a set period. if i had to share my children with another family, God-forbid that ever happens, i would want to be on good terms with my ex and be able to share pics with him of our children. but no i wouldn't be going on family dates with him.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:50 AM
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I think your SO is handling things well by ignoring her invitations.  They can be friends, but they are no longer family.  They should be cooperative and civil with one another for the sake of their children.  That does not necessitate shared outings, breakfast/lunch/dinner dates, or other such.  If she is engaged, her behavior is likewise disrespectful to her fiance, as he should be her BFF and confidante, not her ex-H.  And as for you, as long as your SO maintains his boundaries, you should just relax and quit worrying about it.  BM will (theoretically) lay off as time passes and the rejections continue to accumulate.

steplifewife
by Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 11:55 AM
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I don't think I would mind if BM invited BOTH DH and I to dinner, breakfast etc. And my ExH and I are capable of attending events (plays, concerts, sporting games) and being friendly. but My DH is usually always present. 

But DH alone going to breakfast, the movies etc with just BM and the skids? NO WAY IN HELL.

Rae706
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:29 PM

I think BM is a part of OUR very...very extended family. I would never want anything bad to happen to her, I would help her if I could, even if I was upset with her. Sure it would all be because of SD, but BM and SD are kind of a package deal. 

progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:30 PM

BM and SF wanted to take SS to a sporting event, and invited DH and I along. The only reason she invited us though, was because it was during DH's ‘time'. We probably wouldn't have gone, but we thought it was a nice gesture. We attend school functions and some ECs together, but for the most part, we do things (birthday parties, holidays) on our own.

kela22
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 2:44 PM
My hope is that she'll lay off eventually but so far she's just been changing her efforts and using different tactics to try to get the relationship that she wants. The sending him pictures of his son and also things she's thinking of buying him on an every other day basis is just the most recent one.

Quoting Derdriu:

I think your SO is handling things well by ignoring her invitations.  They can be friends, but they are no longer family.  They should be cooperative and civil with one another for the sake of their children.  That does not necessitate shared outings, breakfast/lunch/dinner dates, or other such.  If she is engaged, her behavior is likewise disrespectful to her fiance, as he should be her BFF and confidante, not her ex-H.  And as for you, as long as your SO maintains his boundaries, you should just relax and quit worrying about it.  BM will (theoretically) lay off as time passes and the rejections continue to accumulate.

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leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 2:45 PM
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DH and BM cannot be friends or family while married to me, it would be a major loyal breach and loyalty is a non-negotiable for me.

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 3:29 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't think I would chalk cooperative, civil co-parenting up to being family or even friends. Personally, I'd see the relationship as more of a business partner.
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