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Some Advice

Posted by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:10 PM
  • 7 Replies


Im a step mother to my husband 2 kids (1 boy and 1 girl) and i have 2 biological kids (1 boy and 1 girl) of my own from my previous relationship. We move in together and  his son spend one week with us and one week with his mom . But when he is with his mom she always find a excuse to drop him off in our house. Now we have his daugher with us because the mother is going thru a rough time which was cause by her own decisions. My kids live with me, i take care of his kids like my own and im always on top of what they need in general. since we been together he has not gone to the store to buy his kids nor mine nothing because im always one step ahead it could be clothes, toys, or things they need for school. but my problem is that  his kids mother  have no bounderies nor limits. the kids mother is always trying to run our house and im tire of fighting and arguing with him but he always give into what they said because asper him its not my business nor concern. he rather fight with me to keep them happy.he alway find a excuse and justification to why they are how they are. Can i get some advice or way to tell my husdand that his only responsability is his kids and not the babymothers.we are not walmart, bank of america nor good will to resolve every problem they have. But when we have an issue we have to resolve it ourself. Im to the point of ending this relationship because i rather be alone than with a man that but his past relationship 1st that his current one.

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:10 PM
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Replies (1-7):
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:27 PM
2 moms liked this

It's your husband's responsibility to set boundaries with BM.  Her having none is not your problem; him having none is your problem.  Have you tried marriage counseling?

kidsfirst845
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 3:29 PM

No, i have not but i would look into it , thanks for the advise


amonkeymom
by Amy on Feb. 8, 2013 at 2:37 PM

I agree with this.

Quoting Derdriu:

It's your husband's responsibility to set boundaries with BM.  Her having none is not your problem; him having none is your problem.  Have you tried marriage counseling?


Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 2:45 PM

Let me make sure I have this right.  You have two biological children who live with you full time.  Your husband has two biological children with two different women.  The one with the son regularly drops him off at your house during her time.  The one with the daughter currently isn't taking custody because of personal issues so that child is with you full time. So that's 3 full time kiddos, 1 50/50 plus, correct?

Okay.  So...from your husband's perspective, he's got these kids who he wants to have well cared for.  So to avoid trouble with the BMs, he avoids confronation with them and lets them do whatever for the most part.  You have an issue with this--which sounds like mostly a resource issue? IE:  You are spending money on his kids to make sure that they have the stuff they need? 

Is that about right?

Marriage counseling.  You guys need a way to discuss this stuff and look at it rationally.  I can totally understand him wanting to have his kids living with you guys.  Even if it's not "planned" time.  But I ALSO know how frustrating it is to come home from work on a day when the kids aren't supposed to be there and voila!  Kiddos.  And I know how frustrating it is to be paying support when the kids end up living you the majority of hte time anyway.  So I do get all that, but really, the issue here is between you and your husband.

Maybe a budget is in order?  Maybe you ask him to go to the store?  He definitely needs to step up to the plate if he's going to hace his kids home--not drop it all in your lap.

kidsfirst845
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 9:01 AM


You are right in the situations but my problem and concern is that both of his kids mother when its their time they find any excuse to drop them off at our house. I work monday thru friday and on weekend i want to relax form the hectic work week. My kids see their dad 2 weekends out of the month in order for them, just as me have their personal time. They drop off the kids at our house so they could go clubbing , go have lunch and dinner with friends but he doesnt see that.He doesnt said nothing to them to avoid confretation but they need to spend time with their mothers as well.i dont mind taking or buying things for his kids nor mine but he needs to take into concideration that we also have a relationship and we need our own time as well.  I work to provide for my kids and his but im a human not a robot and i also needs my relaxation time. Have you try going to a supermarket or the mall with 4 kids is crazy !! and his two kids dont listen.

DDDaysh
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 10:29 AM

 Unfortunately, counting on time with the other parent as free time just doesn't work, especially if you are custodial. 

Does your husband take care of his kids when they're with you guys?

Can you guys hire a sitter so you can go out? 

Quoting kidsfirst845:

 

You are right in the situations but my problem and concern is that both of his kids mother when its their time they find any excuse to drop them off at our house. I work monday thru friday and on weekend i want to relax form the hectic work week. My kids see their dad 2 weekends out of the month in order for them, just as me have their personal time. They drop off the kids at our house so they could go clubbing , go have lunch and dinner with friends but he doesnt see that.He doesnt said nothing to them to avoid confretation but they need to spend time with their mothers as well.i dont mind taking or buying things for his kids nor mine but he needs to take into concideration that we also have a relationship and we need our own time as well.  I work to provide for my kids and his but im a human not a robot and i also needs my relaxation time. Have you try going to a supermarket or the mall with 4 kids is crazy !! and his two kids dont listen.

 

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 10:39 AM

Having kids doesn't guarantee free-time.  Ever.  It may be one of the few perks of split households that visitation provides a break.  Otherwise, free time has to be arranged via playdates, hiring a sitter, or merely taking advantage of school hours if not working fulltime.  Since you're SM, you can go schedule a girl's night when the kids get dumped off.  Your DH may actually appreciate the extra time with his kids, but you're under no obligation to entertain them unexpectedly. 

I totally hear you about the grocery store or mall with kids in tow.  Taking my two SKs along is a headache.  One of them - and it doesn't matter which one - is perfectly doable.  Together they fight, compete for attention, slow me down, are NOT helpful in any way, and generally make me want to run away.  But my aunt said the same thing about her four bios, so we may as well chalk it up to multiple kids being a real handful.  I try to run my errands alone as often as possible.  And I'm so not above begging my neighbor to babysit while I make a store run.

Quoting kidsfirst845:

 

You are right in the situations but my problem and concern is that both of his kids mother when its their time they find any excuse to drop them off at our house. I work monday thru friday and on weekend i want to relax form the hectic work week. My kids see their dad 2 weekends out of the month in order for them, just as me have their personal time. They drop off the kids at our house so they could go clubbing , go have lunch and dinner with friends but he doesnt see that.He doesnt said nothing to them to avoid confretation but they need to spend time with their mothers as well.i dont mind taking or buying things for his kids nor mine but he needs to take into concideration that we also have a relationship and we need our own time as well.  I work to provide for my kids and his but im a human not a robot and i also needs my relaxation time. Have you try going to a supermarket or the mall with 4 kids is crazy !! and his two kids dont listen.

 

 

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