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SD15 Moved In With Us

Posted by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:55 PM
  • 10 Replies
1 mom liked this

This is a testimony to how things can DRASTICALLY change fairly quickly.  

At ages 12-13 SD wanted pretty much nothing to do with us.  She was in the mindset of getting her daddy all to herself and that Stepmom and stepsister were evil.  She didn't come over for almost a year.  Now, at age 15 she wants to live with US and just have visitation with her mom.  She's said to DH, "Daddy, I'm beginning to think that all of these years my mom was trying to get us to hate you guys."  The poor, confused child.

My how things have changed and turned full circle.  I never, ever thought it would happen and I never, ever thought I'd even ACCEPT this girl in my house full time.  It was bad.  Those of you who remember me and my story should be shocked right about now.  LOL  I've learned to truly never say never.  I was wrong, I was sure this would never happen.  But they DO grow up and realize things.  They DO gravitate to a stable house, they DO gravitate to people who give them rules to follow and who parent them and don't try to be their friend.  They figure it out.

We didn't initiate any of this.  Mom called here a few different times, screaming about how DH needed to come get their daughter, she didn't want her anymore-in front of her.  One of her many brilliant parenting tactics for getting a child to behave.  This has happened numerous times in recent months-her telling the child to get out.  Her tactic backfired because now SD said she WANTS TO LIVE HERE.  Mom is now telling SS13 that my DH has done this to her and that he's taking his sister from them.  She guilts SD all of the time and says, "you're abandoning your family"...after she's the one who told her repeatedly to get out.

Bm said she'd agree to sign papers because DH said he wouldn't allow this unless it was in writing.  Now naturally BM has backed out and won't sign.  My question is, what can he do without the high expense of an attorney, if anything?  Since she's 15 a judge will consider HER asking to live here correct?  (South Carolina)  Thoughts and advice appreciated.

by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 12:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
happinessforyou
by Bronze Member on Feb. 7, 2013 at 1:07 PM

Is SD starting to be a handful and now BM wants to throw her to you guys?? GL hope it works out-but you know that teenagers are the spawn of the Devil, right?? lol

Lasttime
by on Feb. 7, 2013 at 1:24 PM
1 mom liked this


SD has become a handful for her.  SD is very well behaved here.  I think the difference is that BM tried being "friends" with her kids and DH is a (strict) parent with rules.

I have two teenagers also so yes, we know all about teenagers.  :)

Quoting happinessforyou:

Is SD starting to be a handful and now BM wants to throw her to you guys?? GL hope it works out-but you know that teenagers are the spawn of the Devil, right?? lol



cjsmommie98
by Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 5:03 AM

I would file with the courts no attny at first ...u should go to mediation.If things cannot get resolved there they should schedule it with the courts,that is when i would worry about the attny..If in the mean time you all or just DH and SD can sit down with BM and talk to her and try to explain that SD just wants to spend time with BD now and that she still loves her mom but she wants to love her dad too...Dont do it in a negative way just a way where SD can voice her opinion.

Good Luck

Lasttime
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 10:15 AM


Thanks, good advice!  :)

Quoting cjsmommie98:

I would file with the courts no attny at first ...u should go to mediation.If things cannot get resolved there they should schedule it with the courts,that is when i would worry about the attny..If in the mean time you all or just DH and SD can sit down with BM and talk to her and try to explain that SD just wants to spend time with BD now and that she still loves her mom but she wants to love her dad too...Dont do it in a negative way just a way where SD can voice her opinion.

Good Luck



Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 10:31 AM

Frankly, I would eat the expense of an attorney to simply get it done.  It sounds as though BM was telling SD to get out before SD ever decided she wanted to go, so that - in a weird way - is a positive thing.  What you don't want is a kid who thinks she can run back and forth any time there's a conflict.  SD shouldn't be in control of her own custody... just too much burden emotionally/psychologically and potentially too damaging socially/academically for a kid to deal with.  The good thing about a CO is that it will give your DH something to stand on if he's ever in a position to tell SD "no".  And it also gives him legal grounds for establishing boundaries with BM.  Her ability to push and pull on this child (get out, come back, get out, etc...) needs to be limited. 

Lasttime
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 10:40 AM

Sorry if I've given you the wrong impression of the situation, it's hard to get all of the details in a post without making it too long.

DH's entire dialogue with SD for the past many years has been that she absolutely WILL NOT go back and forth.  This type of situation has happened many times before in the past in fact and he won't do it UNLESS it is in writing in order to specifically prevent the back and forth from happening.  He had agreed with BM a few times prior to take the kids when she said she didn't want them anymore and each time, as soon as he wanted it in writing, she'd back off, make things difficult, and take the kids back (she's done this with their son also).  

So now, in this situation, after many weeks of talking to SD about how this is NOT a back and forth situation, it's permanent and it must be in writing...our only avenue really is to have her express to the Court that this is what she wants.  We've totally wasted thousands of dollars on attorneys before, we will NOT do it again.  There are other ways.  We're looking into going to the Family Court and asking them and possibly just getting a cheap attorney to basically file the papers for us for a hearing.  At this point the child really HAS TO be involved to express her wishes.  Knowing full well that it will result in being permanent and that we will only do this once.  If she goes back and does the same with her mom, we won't ever do it again.  We understand about not letting a kid be in charge.  

Thanks for your response, I appreciate the advice!  :)


Quoting Derdriu:

Frankly, I would eat the expense of an attorney to simply get it done.  It sounds as though BM was telling SD to get out before SD ever decided she wanted to go, so that - in a weird way - is a positive thing.  What you don't want is a kid who thinks she can run back and forth any time there's a conflict.  SD shouldn't be in control of her own custody... just too much burden emotionally/psychologically and potentially too damaging socially/academically for a kid to deal with.  The good thing about a CO is that it will give your DH something to stand on if he's ever in a position to tell SD "no".  And it also gives him legal grounds for establishing boundaries with BM.  Her ability to push and pull on this child (get out, come back, get out, etc...) needs to be limited. 



WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Feb. 8, 2013 at 10:56 AM

He can file in court and see what he can do by himself.  The judge will listen to SD and talk to both Mom and Dad to figure out what's really going on.  Other than that, I have no real advice.  It was so much easier for DH since the kids were actually removed from BM's home by CPS.  Good luck!

TJandKarasMom
by on Feb. 8, 2013 at 6:39 PM
We never had lawyers. We just did a lot of research on our own to know which papers to file and how to get BM served, etc. We paid for the filing fees (usually around $150) and for the sheriff to serve papers (I think $25-$50) depending where BM was. Even when BM stopped paying CS we did that contempt without lawyers, we also withdrew without a lawyer when DH and BM came to an agreement.

You should be able to start with mediation, so there will be a mediator and he won't need a lawyer. That might even encourage BM to let SD live with DH so she can rebuild a relationship with SD, she could play the friend and wouldn't have to be the parent if SD just visits her!
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Lasttime
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 3:02 PM


Thanks.  I think things just now got a little easier for DH.  Naturally I am very sad for my SD though...

BM just called DH, told him she was done with their daughter (she had visitation with her this weekend), said she'd sign whatever papers he wants her to, told her daughter she didn't want to see her for a good while, drove over here, threw her shit into our front yard and practically backed over her leaving.  Oh and their 13 year old son was alson in the car while she did this.  It was quite a scene that I think some of our neighbors even just witnessed.  I saw it, my daughter saw it.  Quite a mature mom.

One "funny" thing (ironic, not really funny) that BM said to DH on the phone was, "...our daughter is trying to pit everyone against me".  Which is what BM's been doing to all of us for the last 12 years.  SD came by it honestly. 

Quoting WifeyC:

He can file in court and see what he can do by himself.  The judge will listen to SD and talk to both Mom and Dad to figure out what's really going on.  Other than that, I have no real advice.  It was so much easier for DH since the kids were actually removed from BM's home by CPS.  Good luck!



Lasttime
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 3:03 PM


Thanks.

See my  last reply above...there's been a turn of events.  Just happened about an hour ago.

Quoting TJandKarasMom:

We never had lawyers. We just did a lot of research on our own to know which papers to file and how to get BM served, etc. We paid for the filing fees (usually around $150) and for the sheriff to serve papers (I think $25-$50) depending where BM was. Even when BM stopped paying CS we did that contempt without lawyers, we also withdrew without a lawyer when DH and BM came to an agreement.

You should be able to start with mediation, so there will be a mediator and he won't need a lawyer. That might even encourage BM to let SD live with DH so she can rebuild a relationship with SD, she could play the friend and wouldn't have to be the parent if SD just visits her!



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