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Bm crosses the line! *UPDATE*

Posted by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 2:23 AM
  • 56 Replies
1 mom liked this

Here's some backstory:

I have been in my Sd's life since she was 6 months old, she is now 3.5 years. When she first started calling me Mommy (when she started talking) we decided to correct her, and have her call me by my first name. We did this out of respect for Bm, we told Bm what happened and how we were handling it. When Sd was almost 2.5, she started getting very upset when I corrected her. So Dh and I talked it over and decided we would let her call me whatever she wanted. (Bm was informed) Since then she has called me Mommy most of the time, with the occasional use of my first name.

Now, Bm is engaged to a man who has been in and out of Sd's life. Sd tells us that Bm tells her to call him Daddy. Dh doesn't like it, but hasn't said anything due to Sd calling me Mommy.
So tonight, Sd tells us that Bm says she's her only Mommy and she has to call me by my first name. And she said that Bm makes her call Dh "father".

Dh and I are so upset! This is so disrespectful and wrong! We told Sd tonight that she can call us whatever she wants, and she continued to call us Mommy and Daddy. I'm just so tired of Bm's mind games :(


This was posted back in FEBRUARY and is a complete non-issue now, so hash things out with each other as much as you'd like, but I will no longer be responding.

by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 2:23 AM
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by Ruby Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 2:49 AM
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I can't imagine my son being able to have such adult conversations at 2 and 3 years old. I don't know why it is so hard to teach a child someone's name. My stepdad came in to my life (I'm told when I was 3) I can't remember when he came in to my life. It seems like he was always there to me. 30 years later and I've never called him dad. I never had a problem understanding that his name is 'Bob'. And my dad was not in my life so it's not like I 'had a dad' ...

Tonight, my dd has a friend spending the night. The girls were sharing stories of their other home. The friend asked my dd what she calls SM and my dd replied, I don't call her anything. She wants me to call her mom but I don't want to so I just don't call her anything. I interjected and said 'it doesn't bother me if you call her Mom'. The friend said, I can't imagine calling anyone other than my mom and dad, mom and dad. My stepmom is awesome and she's been my stepmom since I was a baby but I just call her by her first name and the same for my stepdad.

Of course that is her choice now at her age, but you see, most kids just don't feel the need to call someone else mom or dad when they have a mom and dad. It's usually when it's allowed at such a young age and they get used to it. There really is nothing wrong with correcting a toddler. They are the best learners at that age.

I don't think mom should be so hypocritical and I don't think your dh should be either. It's either ok for both or it's not ok.. But they need to stop being hypocrites.
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by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 8:05 AM

i am a bit confused , who is Sh? 

And did you talk it over with the BM before you started actually letting the child call you Mommy , or did you do it on your own?

by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 8:12 AM
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all this, from what a 3.5 year old tells you?

by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 8:36 AM

Wow. ok Here is how I see it.  If it is ok for one it is ok for all.  A certain amount of standardization is needed for regularity in a child's life.  My SS15 was 9 when we met and (i think) 4 when his SD came around.  He still calls both of us by our first names.  Yes he has slipped a couple of times and called me mom but he quickly corrects himself.  This is fine by me.  I have told him several times that I didn't come around to take over being mom.  Granted he was older when he met us and relationships started to grow.  

by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 8:48 AM

My DD met my now DH when she was 2.5.  From the beginning she called him by his name.  That was what I called him and referred to him as around her.  Calling him dad was never an option.  I didn't let it be one.  I even explained to her that she had only one dad and one mom, but she was also lucky enough to have step parents.  From then on till she was 10 she called DH her StepChad.  It was cute.

She tried to call him daddy, but I explained to her that BF's feeling would be hurt, just as mine would be if she called someone else mommy.  This was about 3.5.  She understood it more as she got older and I never deviated from this.  Why?  Because DD told BF that she called DH daddy once & he flipped.  It was awkward...

At 13 DD made the decision(me against it the whole way) to call my DH dad.  It doesn't matter o much now that BF is signing away his rights, but I told her I would be shattered if she did that to me & DD told me she never would because I was the mom she always wanted me to be.  BF is never going to be a dad to her, she said, he doesn't care to try.

I think that your SD calling you mommy should stop.  Also, be clear to her why she can't, not harsh, just clear explaining that it is hurtful to BM just as it is hurtful to DH if she calls SF daddy.  

If you start doing that, then BF has a leg to stand on when, after a few months, he broaches this subject gently with BM.  Either way, your DH should have considered the possibility of his child calling someone else daddy based on the precedent he already set by letting her call you mommy.  I'm sure BM will back off on having SD call her DH daddy once it is made clear what you all are now telling SD.

Lead by example instead of complaining.

by Gold Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 8:50 AM
We're having a similar issue, but SS5 has never consistently refer to me as mom. Sometimes it's intentional and sometimes it's on accident, but it's always out of the blue.

I do think everyone should be fair. If you allow her to call you mom, she should be allowed to call SF daddy. If BM doesn't want her to call you mom, she should give the same thought to allowing her daughter refer to her fiance as dad.
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by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:37 AM
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I think the BF and BM need to sit down, and hash this out, hopefully civilly otherwise legally. I think however, at some point the child needs to decide, because ultimately it's how they view each person. Would I "allow" my BDS to call a SM (which he technically has, but has never met long story), mom? If he viewed her in that way, yes. Why? Because she is like another mom to him. Why should I cause conflict, and hurt to my child for following his feelings? How cruel. I would be so thrilled to have another mother figure/person in his life that loved him and wanted to be a mom to him. 

Maybe I just don't feel threatened by it because I know he will probably never meet his SM, maybe it's just the fact that I know ODS knows the difference between the two and what each has or has not done for him. 

A SP doesn't need to overstep any boundries for a child to feel a parent/child connection with them. So many of us in the BM position look at it from our point of view and our feelings and are in the end disregarding what our children think and feel. And a lot of children, depending on things they may or may not have heard, may be nervous to state their true feelings because they don't want to hurt either BP and push their own feelings away. 

by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 9:43 AM
My Ss started calling me mommy here recently after my dd was born. At least that's when he got really persistent. He will get mad when we correct him and tell him "No, I'm CiCi.." But we correct him anyways. I know I would not like it if some other woman allowed my children to call her mommy... So I'm giving bm the same respect and correcting him. I remind him I love him very much but I'm dd's mommy not his, his mommy is at home.

Whether bm gives dh the same respect is irrelevant we can only control what we allow and don't allow in our home.
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by Gold Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 10:37 AM
DH and BM need to talk it over. Its either ok at both houses or its not.
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by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 10:57 AM
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 I'm in agreement with DH and BM hashing it out. It really isn't fair for BM to have a higher standard for her house and expect DH to do as she says in his house. Cooperative Parenting is working together and deciding what is best for the chilren, not what is best for BMs emotions.

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