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Desperate for advice!!!

Posted by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 2:50 PM
  • 24 Replies

I am a mother of a 2 yr old and a step mother of two older kids(17, 22). I am so stressed and quite frankly I think I may be letting this issue bother me so much, I am almost depressed. My husband and I have a great relationship until it comes to his 2 kids, which are w us 100%, no mother in the picture for past 5 yrs, they have been divorced for 8, and we have been married for almost 6. I feel like an outsider in my own home,, his kids do.not view me as a mother figure, and they are what I think is almost obsessed w their dad. They go to dad foreverything , never come to me unless it will somehow benefit them. I keep trying to think "someday they will be moved out and I can have my house clean and have it feel like home", but is that wrong of me to think?? The older is in college and comes home w her dog, who poops all over our home and sleeps all day, parties and basically has no responsibility  at all. Younger one is a little better at least will listen to me when I discipline her sometimes. They are both soooo spoiled get whatever they want. I feel like a total outsider. My son is the love of my life and sometimes is the only thing I feel happy about in my life, The kids are great to him, they adore him, which I am thankful for. But I totally disagree w the spoiled stuff, and the lazy stuff, and the disrespect. This is my home, and I feel so alone, I hate hate hate the dog, and didn't want one, and he let them get it, they were too lazy to train it correctly, so it's 4 and has not potty training, and husband just doesn't care because the girls like him. The house is always dirty because they don't lift a finger.... If he is gone and its just us at  home, I feel like they gang up on me and are whispering behind my back. I tried over the yrs to talk to him about this, and he will not change a thing,  please someone give me advice,  I am so sad and stressed. 

by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 2:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amonkeymom
by Amy on Feb. 10, 2013 at 2:56 PM
4 moms liked this

Welcome to the group!

I think if your husband isn't willing to talk to the girls about changing their behaviors and attitudes toward you, then your problem isn't so much with them but with your husband.  It might be time to try some counseling.

Mmomma1
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 3:00 PM

Am I being ridiculous about the dog and they lazy spoiled stuff? At this point, is it too late for him to suddenly try to change the way he handles things w them? At 17 and 22? 

mamaslove11
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 9:03 PM
3 moms liked this

No, it is not too late because they are almost adult and one it an adult. It is time to grow up. I would get a baby gate and put it in the door way of the daughter that the dog belongs to. I would tell her until she has him/her housebroken he is to STAY IN HER ROOM AND HER ROOM only. Let her deal with the peeing and pooping. It is nasty and unsantitary for your two year old. If the ADORE him SOOOOOOO much then they would be concerned about that and would fix that problem. I would also get a big basket for each one of them. Every thing they leave laying around the house pile it in that basket and take it to there room. The only exception or course would have to be dishes because eventually you would run out of them. They want to live like pigs let them and put all the mess in their room(that includes and dog poop or pee papers, I would pick it up and dump it in their rooms, let them deal with it). You need to take your home back. They are totally disrespecting you and it needs to stop.

oliver92
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 9:31 PM
1 mom liked this

He sounds like he wants to be their buddy and not their parent, I mean come on thats old enough to clean up after yourselves, I like the baby gate idea, or tie the dog outside or place a kennel in her specific room. I kennel may help the dog become potty trained.  my spous and i usually only fight over our ss too, if that makes u feel any better, but mine suffers from rad and is a little evil, but he has no back bone when it comes to taking care of the problems or discipline.  he only speaks when i wish he would shut up.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 10:12 PM

It sounds like he has parented this was for 22 years.  My guess is things are not going to change.

So what can you do?  Figure out what you can and can't live with.  I wouldn't be able to deal with dog shit.  So set a boundary on where the dog can be, buy whatever needs to be bought to make that happen like a crate or baby gate, discuss with DH.  He needs to be the one to hold his kids accountable.

The idea that they have an unhealthy relationship with DH?  Let that one go.  If they don't want anything more than a respectful relationship with you as dad's wife and their little brother's mom, let it be.

The college kid coming home and partying all night?  Dad's choice but your right to a good night sleep so the rule is she needs to be quiet and respectful when she comes home.

But I am not sure how you have a great relationship when for 5 out of the 6 years you have been married, his teenage children lived with you.  Was it OK during that time?

FoodIsLife
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:09 AM

Shape up or Ship out. You and DH need to have your common rules straight and what you expect from everyone. And if he isn't willing to bend then like said before, the problem is with DH. Personally, (both DH and i feel this way), once kids have reached 18 and out of high school they are gone. ESPECIALLY if theyre going to be at college. I'd put my foot down. I may not be the BM but it is certainly my house with its own set of rules. Just get them straight with DH and then enforce them. 

Birdseed
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:36 AM
1 mom liked this

I think it's reasonable to set some boundaries.  (man I feel badly for the dog!)

Maybe you can talk to DH and at least establish that the common areas of the house WILL be kept up.  If they want to trash their rooms? Fine (to a point).  But the kitchen? Living room? No.

And as for a curfew? Sorry, don't care what age you are.  If you're living with your folks, you don't get to set the rules.  

This is a DH issue...not really a kid one.  Sorry!


viv212
by Bronze Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:41 AM
Eh... Pick your battles. Those kids are raised. One day your kid will be a teenager. Things will be frustrating. Hang in there.
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afwifeandmommy3
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:43 AM
This

Quoting mamaslove11:

No, it is not too late because they are almost adult and one it an adult. It is time to grow up. I would get a baby gate and put it in the door way of the daughter that the dog belongs to. I would tell her until she has him/her housebroken he is to STAY IN HER ROOM AND HER ROOM only. Let her deal with the peeing and pooping. It is nasty and unsantitary for your two year old. If the ADORE him SOOOOOOO much then they would be concerned about that and would fix that problem. I would also get a big basket for each one of them. Every thing they leave laying around the house pile it in that basket and take it to there room. The only exception or course would have to be dishes because eventually you would run out of them. They want to live like pigs let them and put all the mess in their room(that includes and dog poop or pee papers, I would pick it up and dump it in their rooms, let them deal with it). You need to take your home back. They are totally disrespecting you and it needs to stop.

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Lslk
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:08 AM

Maybe these SK's feel your animosity towards them and that is why they act this way. DH needs to step up. Your not going to be able to do anything until he does. Definatly go to counseling. My SO and I do, it is wonderful and SO is seeing where he went wrong and so am I.

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