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Step Moms: Respect Must Be Demanded (But Not By You)

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:52 AM
  • 25 Replies
2 moms liked this

http://simplemarriage.net/step-moms-respect-must-be-demanded-but-not-by-you/

This article really sums up my views on respect and the stepparent, this is how my husband handled it from Day 1 and I think it works. Of course, I am assuming the stepparent isn't abusing or disrespecting the stepkids. The parent (biological) is the one who is the common individual between stepparent and his child he needs to establish the boundaries and ensure all parties are comfortable.

What are your thoughts? Would that work for you?

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
1SpaZZedMom
by Librarian on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:02 PM

For the longest time, it did work. Then the Parental Alienation began and life was miserable. I was the first to be alienated by my stepchildren - it was easy bc I wasn't a bio parent. Then, the abuse from my SKs to by BKs began.... Lastly, was rejecting DH, the lying and constant accusations of abuse until one day... it stuck - just like a person throwing darts.... after so many attempts to hit the center of the target, eventually, one sticks. :(

So, it does work as long as there is absolutely no Hostile Aggressive Parenting, no PA attempts, and life is "picture perfect".

          struit insidias lacrimis cum femina plorat.
When a woman weeps, she is setting traps with her tears.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:07 PM

If the BP doesn't support the SP, I don't think it leaves the SP much choice but to set personal boundaries with regard to treatment they'll tolerate and/or disengage.  The recurring theme in posts on this forum wherein SM gets treated like [poop] is that BD doesn't have her back.  Sometimes it's because she's overstepping on him, leaving him between a rock in a hard place that doesn't ultimately work out in her favor.  Sometimes it's because he's guilt parenting and letting the kids run the show.  Either way, the two adults running the household - whether married BPs or a BP/SP - need to be a united front before the kids.  Reinforcing respect for one another is a part of that.

Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:40 PM

 I think, like many things, this is a great article with great ideals and advice to keep a respectful and happy home. However, like many things, there's a lot of factors that can hinder putting this into practice. Outside influences, for example, can play a huge role in the stepchildren respecting their stepparent.

Lasttime
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:49 PM
2 moms liked this

I agree with you and this article.  This is how my DH did things also.  It does work.  Though we've had some very rough times, my step kids have never sat there and been disrespectful to my face.  They've never felt they could walk all over me because their dad told them it wouldn't be tolerated...even if mom said it was okay and even if mom did it.  To repeat what was said above---THIS ASSUMES THAT THE STEPPARENT ISN'T ABUSING OR DISRESPECTING THE STEPKIDS.  Be clear, there are always exceptions to every rule.  Don't disagree with me on an exception.  Don't tell me that your kids' stepmother treats your kids like shit and she doesn't deserve respect and argue with me about it because obviously, that's NOT what we're referring to.  I expect that dad wouldn't "back up" a stepmother who is actually treating his kids like shit.  That's another whole post in itself.

I totally disagree with the whole, "they didn't choose you" theory to make it okay for step kids to be disrespectful.  You don't get to choose who your teachers are either, and your parents should still demand that they respect the teacher or there would be chaos in the classroom and the child would get a punishment for it.  What does choosing people have to do with respect??  Nothing-there are hundreds of situations in our lifetimes where we don't choose someone yet we still are expected to respect them.  

The common parent should always step up and be the one who establishes the boundaries, as I also did with my kids and my DH.  I took the lead, I demanded they respect ALL PEOPLE just like we're supposed in real life and in non-step situations.  

I believe that the root of much evil in step situations is when there is a parent who treats the kids as if all of life's rules no longer apply simply because the kids have had the unfortunate hand of divorce dealt to them.  When you expect the same of your kids through divorce as you would w/o divorce, then you've got your head in the right place and truly want what's best for them.  If you want to make excuses for bad behavior, then you're creating the monsters, the true negative "children of divorce".    You also never allow them to move past a divorce if you yourself use it as justification for your behavior.

IamMex11
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:57 PM

my thoughts are that when BM got in my face cursing and threatening....i was not going to wait for dh to come and show her she needs to respect me, i showed her that myself

Lasttime
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:57 PM


I absolutely agree with the point that you are making because it is part of my life also...that outside influences can tell children that it's okay to disrespect their stepparent...

But here's the thing.  IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT OUTSIDE INFLUENCES SAY OR DO.  You still have the means to put this into practice.  Take my situation for example.  Mom puts me down and feeds information to kids to influence them to dislike me and to feel uncomfortable around me.  Mom lets them know it's okay to disrespect me and to trash about me..........at her house.  Can't stop that.

However, they do that stuff or say something in THIS house, Dad puts his zero tolerance for that into play.  He doesn't allow it, IN THIS HOUSE.  Outside influences cannot possibly CHANGE YOUR RULES IN YOUR HOUSE.  Dad swiftly stops them in their track and says, "No, that is not allowed here."  

It CAN be done.  That's what zero tolerance is.

Quoting Chibi_Kitten:

 I think, like many things, this is a great article with great ideals and advice to keep a respectful and happy home. However, like many things, there's a lot of factors that can hinder putting this into practice. Outside influences, for example, can play a huge role in the stepchildren respecting their stepparent.



Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:05 PM

 Oh, I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm just saying the article didn't cover other factors and used outside influences as an example.

See, here was my train of thought: With my biokids, if my mom were to tell them that they don't have to listen to me, then I can talk to her and explain to my kids that they do have to listen to me. If it continues anyway, I can reduce or eliminate the amount of time my kids spend around my mom. However, with stepchildren, that would not be a path I could take. For one, it would be wrong of me to deny the bioparent their time with their children. For two, they're not my children so I really don't have the right to do as I would with my own. Therefore, a different path needs to be taken. As you stated, the zero tolerance would come into play. The rules for MY house will be followed, regardless of what someone at the other house says.

I'm just saying that the article didn't cover that and I, personally, think it should have. Also, it's not just the bioparents, it's other family and maybe even friends as well. Then there's school and counselors, doctors. There's a lot of outside influences, enough that I think the article should have covered what to do should an outside influence pose a hinderance.

Quoting Lasttime:

 

I absolutely agree with the point that you are making because it is part of my life also...that outside influences can tell children that it's okay to disrespect their stepparent...

But here's the thing.  IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT OUTSIDE INFLUENCES SAY OR DO.  You still have the means to put this into practice.  Take my situation for example.  Mom puts me down and feeds information to kids to influence them to dislike me and to feel uncomfortable around me.  Mom lets them know it's okay to disrespect me and to trash about me..........at her house.  Can't stop that.

However, they do that stuff or say something in THIS house, Dad puts his zero tolerance for that into play.  He doesn't allow it, IN THIS HOUSE.  Outside influences cannot possibly CHANGE YOUR RULES IN YOUR HOUSE.  Dad swiftly stops them in their track and says, "No, that is not allowed here."  

It CAN be done.  That's what zero tolerance is.

Quoting Chibi_Kitten:

 I think, like many things, this is a great article with great ideals and advice to keep a respectful and happy home. However, like many things, there's a lot of factors that can hinder putting this into practice. Outside influences, for example, can play a huge role in the stepchildren respecting their stepparent.

 

 

 

Lasttime
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:12 PM

Absolutely, I don't disagree.  In fact what you say makes total sense.  I agree!  :)

I just don't think you CAN cover it all in a short article and I think this was meant to be just.  It drives home that one point.  You'd really have to write a book for the rest.  LOL


Quoting Chibi_Kitten:

 Oh, I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm just saying the article didn't cover other factors and used outside influences as an example.

See, here was my train of thought: With my biokids, if my mom were to tell them that they don't have to listen to me, then I can talk to her and explain to my kids that they do have to listen to me. If it continues anyway, I can reduce or eliminate the amount of time my kids spend around my mom. However, with stepchildren, that would not be a path I could take. For one, it would be wrong of me to deny the bioparent their time with their children. For two, they're not my children so I really don't have the right to do as I would with my own. Therefore, a different path needs to be taken. As you stated, the zero tolerance would come into play. The rules for MY house will be followed, regardless of what someone at the other house says.

I'm just saying that the article didn't cover that and I, personally, think it should have. Also, it's not just the bioparents, it's other family and maybe even friends as well. Then there's school and counselors, doctors. There's a lot of outside influences, enough that I think the article should have covered what to do should an outside influence pose a hinderance.

Quoting Lasttime:


I absolutely agree with the point that you are making because it is part of my life also...that outside influences can tell children that it's okay to disrespect their stepparent...

But here's the thing.  IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT OUTSIDE INFLUENCES SAY OR DO.  You still have the means to put this into practice.  Take my situation for example.  Mom puts me down and feeds information to kids to influence them to dislike me and to feel uncomfortable around me.  Mom lets them know it's okay to disrespect me and to trash about me..........at her house.  Can't stop that.

However, they do that stuff or say something in THIS house, Dad puts his zero tolerance for that into play.  He doesn't allow it, IN THIS HOUSE.  Outside influences cannot possibly CHANGE YOUR RULES IN YOUR HOUSE.  Dad swiftly stops them in their track and says, "No, that is not allowed here."  

It CAN be done.  That's what zero tolerance is.

Quoting Chibi_Kitten:

 I think, like many things, this is a great article with great ideals and advice to keep a respectful and happy home. However, like many things, there's a lot of factors that can hinder putting this into practice. Outside influences, for example, can play a huge role in the stepchildren respecting their stepparent.



 



Chibi_Kitten
by Krystal on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:18 PM
1 mom liked this

 That is true, maybe we should all write a book! lol

Quoting Lasttime:

Absolutely, I don't disagree.  In fact what you say makes total sense.  I agree!  :)

I just don't think you CAN cover it all in a short article and I think this was meant to be just.  It drives home that one point.  You'd really have to write a book for the rest.  LOL

 

Quoting Chibi_Kitten:

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:42 PM

That's pretty much how it is in our house. DH is incredibly protective of me and demands respect from the kids, and they do. If something comes up when DH is not around, I obviously will correct the kids and tell them not to be disrespectful. They are less responsive to me than DH, but he is way more authoratative and farnkly intimitdating so it's totally understandable. My SD has tested the limits more lately, I think she is trying to see how I will react and l also it may be somewhat of a loyalty-issue. BM is moving here soon so I think SD thinks she needs to show her loyalty to BM. Hopefully this doesn't last when she sees that BM and I actually get along and I have no intention to try to get in the way of their relationship. We will see...

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