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I want a baby, husband does not....anyone been here and how did it work out ?

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:54 PM
  • 21 Replies

Husband is 36,  I am 30.   He has a 12 year old daughter.   We get her every other weekend.   She is awesome,  love her to pieces,  but 4 days a month with her is just not enough.    We are on good terms with babies Momma.  Not really any drama there.     We have been married for almost 6 years now.   I have been thinking long and hard about us making our own baby together.    I brought it up to him back in November.  He made it pretty clear he wasn't interested.    Just last week,  i wrote him a giant email about how I want us to start our own family together.    We had a long talk about it and he had only negative things to say about having a baby.   He pretty much told  me that it will ruin our marriage, we'll both be utterly exhausted and cranky.    He said we will not have any time for each other and we will both be miserable.    I do not agree with this,  but he has been there, done that and I cannot really argue with him.    Stepdaughter was 6 years old when i met her.    He was 24 when he had her.    He and baby Momma were hardly dating,  they tried to stay together for the sake of the child,  but ended up going their seperate ways when she was still very young.     

We own our home,  we both work,  and are financially stable.   His parents live 5 minutes away and his mom is able to babysit.    Once our cars are paid for,  he could stay home and be a house husband and I would keep working.   We both are ok with that part of it.    

I have told him that I only want to do this with him if he is on board with me.  I do not want to "make him".   I understand its a joint decision and we both have to want it for it to work.    He says that it is a lose-lose situation because if we have a baby,  he will be miserable and resent me for making him do it.  And if we don't have a baby,  then i will resent him for him not "allowing" me to have a baby of my own.   He says he does not want to deprive me of having my own child.   

The next day,  he gave me the "How about we revisit this in a couple years?"    He said we have time and there is no reason to rush into this.     I agreed to let it go til I am 32,  which is 1 year and 2 months from now.  

Do you think he might come around,  or do you think I am SOL  ?

 

Thanks !

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:01 PM
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I think this is an issue I would have addressed loooong before saying "I do." I would never marry a person who wanted a child of their own knowing full well I am not prepared to have any more children. Was this issue never discussed at all prior to marriage?
twinklebites
by Silver Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:04 PM

 


Quoting LyndaLoo78:

I think this is an issue I would have addressed loooong before saying "I do." I would never marry a person who wanted a child of their own knowing full well I am not prepared to have any more children. Was this issue never discussed at all prior to marriage?


 dItto, Maybe counseling would be in order just so you two are on the same page and while 32 isnt old if you come againast any fertility issues its time wasted .

 

IntactivistMama
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:13 PM
That would be a deal breaker for me. Fertility declines in your late 20s as well.

It is time to fish or cut bait. My first husband lied to me and said we'd have children together. I divorced him and my now Dh and I have a two year old and a bun in the oven. We are in agreement that this is our last child, too.
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liltigersmom
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:18 PM
This.

Quoting LyndaLoo78:

I think this is an issue I would have addressed loooong before saying "I do." I would never marry a person who wanted a child of their own knowing full well I am not prepared to have any more children. Was this issue never discussed at all prior to marriage?
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rogue82
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:20 PM

First off, thank you very much for your input   :)   I don't want to go around asking everyone i know,  because I know they will all give me the "just have a baby" speech.....and I don't want to have an on purpose accident.

We briefly brought it up before we got married.     I know he said to me that if I ever decided I wanted to have my own child,  he would be ok with that.    At that time,  i did not feel like I would ever want my own,  so I did not make a big deal out of at that time.    I was 25 and just wanted to travel, and have my freedom.   Now i feel much differently.   We have traveled to Jamaica twice,   plus other vacations.   We even bought motorcycles  (yes i have my own)    I just feel like I have had my fun,  I have done it all.....except had a child.   I want more in my life than a garage full of toys and photo albums of past vacations.    Hubby is such a great father to his daughter too,  so I know he is capable of being a great dad.   They love each other dearly and I can't help but feel jealous of what they have together.

LoveonHollySt
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:28 PM

You can't push him into anything.  He is still gunshy about kids due to his past experience.  You have to understand that and not try to put a date on things.  If you are supposed to have a child with this man it will happen in due time.  My DH and I have 2 kids together and his son.  We didn't plan either of ours.  Yes, there were health obsticals we had to overcome but in the end I believe that we were ment to have our kids and at the times we did too.  Be patient.  Don't push him too far.  You might just push him out.

IntactivistMama
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:30 PM
Remind him of his promise. If he says he changed his mind, leave him.

You do not want to have a baby with a man who doesn't want one, that would suck. However, having a child is important to you and you do not have time to waste.


Quoting rogue82:

First off, thank you very much for your input   :)   I don't want to go around asking everyone i know,  because I know they will all give me the "just have a baby" speech.....and I don't want to have an on purpose accident.


We briefly brought it up before we got married.     I know he said to me that if I ever decided I wanted to have my own child,  he would be ok with that.    At that time,  i did not feel like I would ever want my own,  so I did not make a big deal out of at that time.    I was 25 and just wanted to travel, and have my freedom.   Now i feel much differently.   We have traveled to Jamaica twice,   plus other vacations.   We even bought motorcycles  (yes i have my own)    I just feel like I have had my fun,  I have done it all.....except had a child.   I want more in my life than a garage full of toys and photo albums of past vacations.    Hubby is such a great father to his daughter too,  so I know he is capable of being a great dad.   They love each other dearly and I can't help but feel jealous of what they have together.


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YesImMomToo
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:42 PM
When dh and I met neither one of us wanted to have children together..but my feelings changed and my bioligical clock started ticking and I yearned for one of our own.

Dh had been "fixed" and then we found that due to pcos i would not beable to get pregnant. He was adamant that he did not want to start over but also aknowledged my feelings that if I felt that strongly he would not deny my want of a feeling and we could look into adoption or other available options.

We have come to terms with it now but I choose not to be resentful. It would be very easy to be..

The stepkids also expressed their feelings that it would be hard for them and wouldt feel bad that the baby would get to stay here all the time and they couldnt so there there wereat alot of factors to consider.

If you must have children and cannot live without being resentful then the time to reconsider whether if it is a deal breaker or not is now..
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CodeBlue
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 2:22 PM
DF and I are having this discussion right now. For him, it's more that he doesn't want to feel pulled between the kids he already has and the kid(s) we could have.

It's an ongoing discussion but we have given ourselves a deadline for this summer. We would never get married without having this issue resolved.

I understand how hard it is when it's just the one thing that's wrong when everything else is great - but it's not a little thing. It is huge, and it sounds like for you guys there will be no resolution without resentment. I would leave.
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 2:32 PM
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I wanted a baby with my current husband and he didn't want one, but I was 40 years old when I married him, and I had two kids already from my previous marriage. So, I agreed to give up on having a baby. BUT - if I were in your situation? I don't know... I think I would probably leave.

A stepchild is not a substitute for a child of your own. It just isn't. Stepkids are great, but it's just not the same and can't fill that void. For me personally, being a mom was *that* important. It isnt' that important for everyone. So I can't say what you should do. But me personally? I would eventually leave if he didn't want to have a baby with me.

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