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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

I'm a soon to be stepmom of an adorable 3 year old boy.  My future husbad has 50/50 shared custody.  I've joined to find other stepmoms who might be able to offer adivce to some issues I am facing.  Currently, I am the blame for my FH and the BM communication breakdown.  She claimes I am writing all emails and therefore only wants to have a face to face meeting when it is convinent for her and has even told my FH that she has blocked all of his emails.  He started to send certified letters instead.  I think she is trying to make life difficult, and now the changes (me being in the picture) are causing her to have insecurities.  My question is, how do we get around those insecurities?  I have sat back and taken her verbal assults on my character for almost 8 months now and it's geting harder to bite my tongue.

by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 5:55 PM
Replies (11-15):
bclay1
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:45 PM
1 mom liked this

he is not wrong it took documentation by email to get her to see that she woulds say yes to something or tell us someting only get mad latter and blame us if she told u wrong date or she forgot to tell us period.  a lot of it stemed from her anger at him. Once we did that and started documenting things she couldn't  forget and assume we were just trying to upset her.  that and emails sometimes help you because you wont say things in anger as easiliy as you will in the heat of the moment.  I feel that meeting at dinner with all of you present might help break ice.  that is what we ended up doing.  meet as the step mom I only gave my opinion or advice when asked but other than that I let them talk. as time went by ( we tried to do it once a month) and talked at pick up.  Now we talk all the time with no issues. 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:47 PM



Quoting pdxmum:

Do you write his emails?  Or at a minimum, do you edit his emails?  

Is she excluding you from these face to face meetings?  My advice is to get off her radar.  Disappear from her world.  Focus on your fiancé and his child.  


I second this advice.

Sanctimommy
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:59 AM

I took a lot of hits the first two years. Biomom had every reason to despise me. It seems that even though I had forgotten that Hubs existed for the ten years I was in a domestic partnership with a different man and the six previous years I was married, Hubs had not forgotten about me. We'd dated in our teens and he had lost his virginity to me. He said that when biomom asked him if he loved her more than anyone else, he told her 'no' and went on to say he loved me and was 'waiting' for me. I was blissfully unaware of this, hadn't talked to him in decades.

So biomom left him, called him up for a 'booty call', got pregnant, and married a different man. Meanwhile, I ran into Hubs again a few months after I'd left my partner and dated him. When we married, his daughter was 1 and a half. Her mother hated me. I did not agree with his suggestion that his daughter call me mom, so I didn't allow it. Nonetheless, biomom insisted that I 'forced' her daughter to call me just that. I sent Hubs over to explain that when he'd brought it up to me, I'd refused to allow it. A child only has one mother. I didn't feel right using that title. 

Over the next two years biomom made weird demands about me and behaved spitefully. When I finally asked Hubs what on earth made her dislike me so much, he told me about what he'd said to her when she asked if he loved her more than any other woman. She's a pretty little thing and younger than me by ten or more years. But she felt very insecure. I've been able to get her to warm up to me, thank goodness. She's friendly enough these days, asks after my Grandchildren, and mentions problems she is facing with Step-Diva. 

Just give this ex-wife time and continue being steadfastedly polite to her. Even if she is yelling at or about you. And never complain about her where her children or she might notice. That could really hurt a kid's self-esteem.

riverofgrass
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 3:46 AM

It will just take time....If it has been only a year that they have been trying to co parent, BM sounds protective of her son, rightfully so, and being a BM, losing your family unit ( by choice or not ) is not easy for anyone.  Being a BM and having another woman be a "mom" figure to your young child, he is only 3, is really hard

i agree with him doing things via email, sometimes it takes documentation to clear the grey and make things very clear to the BD and BM. She sounds a lot like the BM of my SK in the beginning, making statements as if she calls all of the shots and could tell me DH how things were going to be with her kids.

In the beginning I spoke my mind, she didn't like it, I didn't care.  She had an unfortunate outbreak in front of the kids ...made it worse with me.  I found this group and listened to the advice and I took a step back.  I talked to my DH about my boundaries and what I was comfortable with and we came to an agreement between us about what boundaries HE was going to set and stick with.  I knew and he knew and we were hand in hand supporting each other


He did it though, he got past the fog of the communication style and relationship patterns they built when they were married - and honestly, grew a pair and stood up as an equal parent.  Eventually she had to respect him for it.


now we are not all friends but we get along, she even invited me to parent teacher conferences last semester because she knows I work with the SKs on thier hhomework 


time heals wounds and gets people more ccomfortable 

you stepping back and your FH stepping forward is cricritical 

You and your FH being on the same page about boundaries between him and BM is also critical,

being a SM is hard and your FH should want to protect you  and your relationship from what he divorced and not put you center stage.  (Not that he did that to you, but sometimes BMs try to make it all about that to push the sm away either consciously or unconsciously)

EmilyJ604
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 8:40 AM

lol it doesnt go away my dh and I have been married now for 11 yrs and bm still has the insecurities..When dh would pick the kids up by himself bm would try to start fights and say see ur dad is mean and just wants to yell at me if Im with him she doesnt do this so my sd actually requests that Im there even though bm hates it you need to have someone to talk to thats the only way to get thru it:)

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