Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Question from a BioMom FINAL LETTER--SENT Thanks Cafe Mommies!!!

Posted by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:03 PM
  • 107 Replies

Final answer--thanks to CM sharp editing staff!  

Hi M,

Wanted to say hi and introduce myself, as we may be crossing paths in the near future.

I am sure you'll be getting to know my children shortly. Please know that I believe the children are better off when both parents are happy, grounded and in a loving home and wish you the very best.  I'm sure we can all keep this transition as low-drama as possible.

Please know that, although I am aware you began your relationship with E. while we were married, that is water under the bridge. There are many sides to every story, and we each have our own version of things. The marriage had been over in reality for some time, of course. 

In my opinion, it would have been in the children's best interest had you two (mostly E.) chosen to manage this whole thing with honestly, integrity and transparency from the start. As you may appreciate, the news of papi moving, then having a girlfriend, then moving in with the girlfriend and guess what-we want you guys to come stay with us starting next week...well that's a lot for a child to take in at once. :)

I trust that you respect the fact that E. and I are the parents of these beautiful children, and as such need to make decisions regarding visitation, child support and discipline, etc. I will similarly trust you to run your home while the children are there, in whatever way you see fit and will not meddle as long as I see no reason for concern. 

Again, I will be courteous to you and will expect no less from the children. Please feel free to contact me with regard to the children whenever necessary. I wish you the best in this new chapter in your life.

  

Best regards,

 

Donna 

 PS Sure fire way to win over DDs spitfire attitude? Ice cream or a trip to Justice. DS's a breeze. Good luck!



by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:03 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:12 PM
1 mom liked this

Maybe she isn't sorry...?  And really, she knew what she was doing at the time and went ahead and did it anyway right?  How would saying "I'm sorry" now make you feel better?  Would you really believe her?

Happily Married | BM to DD13  DD13  DD11 | Mom to DS7 & DS3 | CP

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:17 PM
5 moms liked this

Been there, done that.  Same thing with a crappy marriage in its death throes when BF put the mail in the coffin by fucking another.  

Be honest though, doesn't mean it didn't hurt you to the core.  I don't buy into the whole "if they were honest about their fucking from the start" routine.  It's OK, it hurts.

and I wanted some type of acknowledgement from SM/OW.  I wrote one letter to the two of them, did not get the response I wanted from her and in hindsight I realize she probably had no clue that at least one of us in the marriage thought we were still married, in love and working on things.

but really, why do you need anything from her?  She didn't break up your marriage.  She didn't break any vows to you.  The only person who owes you anything is your ex.

Give it some time.  A couple of years after the whole affair, SM and I made our peace.  Or rather, I made peace with her.  She never attempted to communicate with me, which was for the best.  We are now friends, of a sort.

her apologizing to you will change nothing.  You sound like you are in a good place with your ex. Stay there. The affair is water under the bridge.  Let it go.

dallas4nu
by Bronze Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:18 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't think that's a ridiculous thing to want, BUT, I wouldn't hold my breath lol. If she doesn't apologize, try not to let it hinder any relationship you may have with her. (Which you don't need to have if you choose not to). But your feelings may backfire and imo, the better you, sm, and xh get along; the better it will be for everyone. :-)

Good luck!
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
amantonacci
by Gold Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:23 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm a BM and my ex is with the other woman... I honestly would hold my breath, but it does take time to adjust to it... Your not ridiculous just new to the situation.

Lurion
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:34 PM

Well I'm kind of figuring that a) he was lying through his teeth to her about our relationship; and b) I'll give her a bit of a pass, 'cause she's never been married or had kids. I had a similar situation when I was young and I thought since she had left him for another man and they had already filed for divorce, it was okay. I don't feel the same way now.  So yes, I think it would make me feel better. 


Quoting KnowItAll:

Maybe she isn't sorry...?  And really, she knew what she was doing at the time and went ahead and did it anyway right?  How would saying "I'm sorry" now make you feel better?  Would you really believe her?



Lurion
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:37 PM

Thanks. That is a wise and honest response. :)

He actually wanted me to meet her for coffee the day after he told me all this! Glad that didn't happen. 

I just thought it would be better for my kids if she and I were friendly with each other. Now's probably not the right time. 


Quoting pdxmum:

Been there, done that.  Same thing with a crappy marriage in its death throes when BF put the mail in the coffin by fucking another.  

Be honest though, doesn't mean it didn't hurt you to the core.  I don't buy into the whole "if they were honest about their fucking from the start" routine.  It's OK, it hurts.

and I wanted some type of acknowledgement from SM/OW.  I wrote one letter to the two of them, did not get the response I wanted from her and in hindsight I realize she probably had no clue that at least one of us in the marriage thought we were still married, in love and working on things.

but really, why do you need anything from her?  She didn't break up your marriage.  She didn't break any vows to you.  The only person who owes you anything is your ex.

Give it some time.  A couple of years after the whole affair, SM and I made our peace.  Or rather, I made peace with her.  She never attempted to communicate with me, which was for the best.  We are now friends, of a sort.

her apologizing to you will change nothing.  You sound like you are in a good place with your ex. Stay there. The affair is water under the bridge.  Let it go.



lovemyfriend
by Bronze Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:38 PM

PDX gave good advice, especially considering its coming from experience.  If I was the other woman I would feel extremely awkward giving you an apology.  I would want to, but, then again, how sorry can she be if she did it in the first place?   I think you should just let it go, because there's a chance she won't apologize because she doesn't want you to get even more angry, kwim?  Get along for the kids sake, they'll thank you when they get older. 

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:38 PM
1 mom liked this


Not now.  Before you get to "like", get to neutral.  Right now, just don't be a bitch.  That is all you need for the kids.  Don't create any drama.  

Quoting Lurion:

Thanks. That is a wise and honest response. :)

He actually wanted me to meet her for coffee the day after he told me all this! Glad that didn't happen. 

I just thought it would be better for my kids if she and I were friendly with each other. Now's probably not the right time. 


Quoting pdxmum:

Been there, done that.  Same thing with a crappy marriage in its death throes when BF put the mail in the coffin by fucking another.  

Be honest though, doesn't mean it didn't hurt you to the core.  I don't buy into the whole "if they were honest about their fucking from the start" routine.  It's OK, it hurts.

and I wanted some type of acknowledgement from SM/OW.  I wrote one letter to the two of them, did not get the response I wanted from her and in hindsight I realize she probably had no clue that at least one of us in the marriage thought we were still married, in love and working on things.

but really, why do you need anything from her?  She didn't break up your marriage.  She didn't break any vows to you.  The only person who owes you anything is your ex.

Give it some time.  A couple of years after the whole affair, SM and I made our peace.  Or rather, I made peace with her.  She never attempted to communicate with me, which was for the best.  We are now friends, of a sort.

her apologizing to you will change nothing.  You sound like you are in a good place with your ex. Stay there. The affair is water under the bridge.  Let it go.





Lurion
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:39 PM
1 mom liked this

Thanks. I'm kind of surprised to hear so many people saying that sm and bm really don't need a relationship? Isn't it better for the kids if we do? 

And btw, would you consider this girl a SM in this situation, or just a live-in girlfriend?


Quoting dallas4nu:

I don't think that's a ridiculous thing to want, BUT, I wouldn't hold my breath lol. If she doesn't apologize, try not to let it hinder any relationship you may have with her. (Which you don't need to have if you choose not to). But your feelings may backfire and imo, the better you, sm, and xh get along; the better it will be for everyone. :-)

Good luck!



Lurion
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 7:41 PM
1 mom liked this


Haha given my propensity to go from zero to full-on b*** in 30 seconds, you're probably right. 

Quoting lovemyfriend:

PDX gave good advice, especially considering its coming from experience.  If I was the other woman I would feel extremely awkward giving you an apology.  I would want to, but, then again, how sorry can she be if she did it in the first place?   I think you should just let it go, because there's a chance she won't apologize because she doesn't want you to get even more angry, kwim?  Get along for the kids sake, they'll thank you when they get older. 



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured