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WIKN.... i need your advice OT.....others please weigh in as well.

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:54 AM
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1 mom liked this
You and i rarely agree, but you seem to be great at setting up boundaries and not being sucked i.to a bunch of drama. My problem is with my mil. he is always stepping on me. Sneaking in jabs. She bad mouths dh and me in the local bars. Complaining to extended family about anything that would make me look bad. She manipulates the truth to her advantage and likes to play the martyr.

Basic info......dh and i have been together for 4 years. Living together most of that time. We have a 2 yo dd amd his son is 7. We live in the same town. Mil was recently remarried. Dh and I are both 27.

,the examples may seem petty but really add up to turmoil over time. Nearly every time we have any interaction it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. ........

Here r some examples.

For her wedding she insisted on buying outfits for the kids. I protested some knowing she had the large expense of the wedding. She really insisted saying she had plenty of money and wanted to etc. ( this was before i knew how she was) Later i learned that she was telling the extended family that we couldnt/ or wouldnt spend the money on the kids. Of course she threw in some stuff about priorities and pointed out the money that i waste. I have to say though we are very financially stable and at the time i was the primary bread winner.

She also would offer to watch the kids so she could help us out....we didnt need her to but i encouraged a relationship between her and the kids so i agreed that she could have em whenever so they could spend time with her. ......well that turned into her complaining to others that i didnt want the kids around all the time, or couldnt handle them around all the time, or dh and i needed time to work on things. Of course she complained about how it would affect her health and how tired she was.

She denied this stuff mostly saying that this person or that one took what she said out of context.

She offered to throw the baby shower jointly with my mom when dd came along but forgot the food she was supposed to bring, left 40 minutes after it started. Didnt help with invitations etc. She told people she did though. Martyred herself about it to everyone and said i never thanked her for all her work bla bla bla.

Fyi she left to go watch a playoff football game.

When i was pregnant she forgot that my baby was a girl a dozen times. Forgot the due date a dozen times as well as the name. She offered to watch ss for a week when the baby came. Which she backed out of at the last minute telling bil and sil that i was just trying to pawn him off. Bil is a grown ass man but a big mamas boy with no common sense apparently because he believed her whole heartedly and told me what a terrible person i was.

Recently she has taken to ss with a vengeance. She blames me for his mental illness and had an actual meeting with dh and fil (who is her x) to discuss just that. Dh told them both to get bent

It causes problems for us. Dh wont see her anymore and hardly talks to his brother because bil is disrespectful to me. She was disinvited to xmas at our place because of her behavior.

She followed up that with picking ss up from school without permission swearing that she had left a message for me but i never got it.

Dh deals with her because i will no longer take her calls, but i imagine that eventually dh will want to reconcile and i will be stuck with her again. We have separated ouraelves from her several times for months on end but then she promises to behave and dh decides to give her another chance. Ugh.

The bottom line is i dont know how to interact with her in a conversation. She crosses the line all the time in minor ways and i clam up. She gives a backhanded compliment and i never know what to say.
Also i know that some will say we shouldnt care what she says and thinks but we do. Dh cares about his brother and father his aunts and uncles. He wants his childhood family to get along with his adult family

Help!! Hpw do i set up boundaries??? How do i handle the underhanded comments and lies she spreads
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by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:54 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Megzboys
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 4:09 AM
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  Oh wow!   You sure have a MIL who is off her rocker don't you?   Your DH has to notice how bad she is behaving and realize that you can not be expected to put up with the attacks and cruel words from her.   Maybe she is down right mental and needs to be evaluated by a doctor?    

    So she has been like this since you married him?   Do you get along with any of his family members or do they all believe her crazy words?     You and hubby need a plan of action and he needs to understand what you are dealing with.    Good luck ! 

rrs256
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 5:37 AM
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 I would recommend joining my MIL is a crap burger there are a lot of women on there that are helpful with this kind of stuff. They really helped me.

Dana333810
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 5:59 AM
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 I have a mother in law that is almost identical to this. What works for me is just pretending that she doesn't exist when she is on her shit. Think of it like disengaging from a step sitch - only with the MIL. If DH does reconcile with her, that doesn't mean you have to. Don't be a dick head or anything, but you don't have to act like are her 'friend' either. Treat her the way you would treat a SUPER FUCKING ANNOYING BFF of your hubbys.

As far as the stupid shit she says and does - let it roll off your back, and develop tough skin. There is always gonna be one person out there that talks smack and does stupid shit. YOU are in control over how it affects you. You do not have to let it, and that's probably the hardest thing to learn. There isn't anything you can do about this situation.

Do YOU know that you are not responsible for SS's illness? Does DH know that you are not responsible for SS's illness? That's all that matters. Any one else's opinion is shit on a stick.

It took me amost  two years to develop that theory. Every now and again she does shit that irks me really bad, but I just suck up my shit and move on with my life. You can't let her take over yours. The boundaries you need, you have to set within YOURSELF first. Make sense?

Hope this helps!!!!!

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 6:41 AM
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I would not expect things to change with her.  I find it ironic that she blames you for causing mental illness.

I would limit contact.  When DH does attempt to reconcile, shield yourself.  If you have to be together, you can stick to small talk or have some safe answers when she's talking smack. 

You know your truth.  All that you can do is present yourself as you are.  If people choose to believe her, well that's their choice.  As long as you and your DH are doing your best and doing right by the kids, that's what matters.  Others will begin to see it.

I hope your DH took her off the emergency release form for school.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 6:56 AM
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Quoting Polkadotted:

I would not expect things to change with her.  I find it ironic that she blames you for causing mental illness.

I would limit contact.  When DH does attempt to reconcile, shield yourself.  If you have to be together, you can stick to small talk or have some safe answers when she's talking smack. 

You know your truth.  All that you can do is present yourself as you are.  If people choose to believe her, well that's their choice.  As long as you and your DH are doing your best and doing right by the kids, that's what matters.  Others will begin to see it.

I hope your DH took her off the emergency release form for school.

Basically this.

the only thing that is going to save you is a change in the way you view her place in your life. I know it's not easy to stop yourself from caring what she says about you. But, consider this... do you think the people she tells these lies to really don't know the truth? Chances are, she lies or distorts the truth in other ways as well. People who do this don't have just one target. They aren't nice, reasonable people the rest of the time and only unreasonable with regard to you. Other people know how she is. They may not have discussed it with you, but they know.

Take the baby shower thing for example. I'd say odds are excellent that she has done that exact same thing before (act like she was involved, then be a martyr) to other people. I am sure of it.

So, just remember that other people know what she is like. She's fooling no one and only making herself look bad when she behaves the way she does - NOT you. That makes it a little easier to accept her as she is, and maybe even find it funny, in a "there she goes again" way.

The boundary that you're looking for is in your own mind, in the way you think about her.


shanlee42
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:13 AM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like you are off to a good start by not taking calls. I would limit contact and understand that it sounds like there is something wrong mentally. Has anyone urged her to get help?

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 9:44 AM
1 mom liked this

I think that not interacting with her is the best first step.  And like others said, if she does this to you, she's doing it to others.  You can count on it.  And most people probably know this and take what she says with a grain of salt.  ESPECIALLY if she's saying this stuff while hanging out at the bar.  

If you guys are 27, that makes her what?  At least mid 40's?  If she's in her mid 40's, she's not changing her behavior anytime soon. This is part of her personality.  

Honestly, I feel kind of sad for her.  She clearly has so little reality going on that she has to make stuff up in order to have an interesting story to tell.  Turning things around like she is doing usually means someone is pretty insecure and needs to feel needed.  It's unfortunate that she hasn't found a way to get a little mentally healthy in 40 years of life.  

heathercm26
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:05 PM
Do u have any examples of safe answers?


Quoting Polkadotted:

I would not expect things to change with her.  I find it ironic that she blames you for causing mental illness.

I would limit contact.  When DH does attempt to reconcile, shield yourself.  If you have to be together, you can stick to small talk or have some safe answers when she's talking smack. 

You know your truth.  All that you can do is present yourself as you are.  If people choose to believe her, well that's their choice.  As long as you and your DH are doing your best and doing right by the kids, that's what matters.  Others will begin to see it.

I hope your DH took her off the emergency release form for school.


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TheStepMonster
by on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:23 PM

Here's your boundary...

Honey, (speaking to DH), I will not stand in the way of you having a relationship with your mother and step father.  However, due to past behavior, I elect to keep our relationship status the same.  I expect you to support me in this just as I will support you in you having a relationship with them.


Quoting heathercm26:

Do u have any examples of safe answers?


Quoting Polkadotted:

I would not expect things to change with her.  I find it ironic that she blames you for causing mental illness.

I would limit contact.  When DH does attempt to reconcile, shield yourself.  If you have to be together, you can stick to small talk or have some safe answers when she's talking smack. 

You know your truth.  All that you can do is present yourself as you are.  If people choose to believe her, well that's their choice.  As long as you and your DH are doing your best and doing right by the kids, that's what matters.  Others will begin to see it.

I hope your DH took her off the emergency release form for school.



grey ribbon

During the month of May, I wear my gray for Brain Cancer Awareness in memory of my momma (BM).  She fought her battle from May, 1988 - October, 1998.  Love and miss you much.

heathercm26
by Bronze Member on Feb. 12, 2013 at 1:28 PM
Most of them believe her because they see little of me and i painted a target on my back pointing out ss odd destructive and abusive behavior. I insisted on the psych eval which nobody thought he needed. Mostly because they dont see him as much as i do. They like to think it is an over reaction to his being tired and naughty. There are a billion excuses for ss. Trying to kill my cat is not just being naughty....obviously. anyway now he is classified as emotionally disturbed with behavioral problems. His doctor and psychologist and psychologist say it is due to mental illness since he has no history of abuse or other risk factors. He is too young to actually diagnose him without much more evaluation. Bla bla bla. Anyway.

This started with mil around the time of the engagement and has gotten worse and worse. She used to con and guilt dh into doing things. Like drive 10 miles to go get her cigarettes from the gas station that was next door to her. Saying she had a terrible head ache.....when i told him if he blew off our plans again to do stuoid shit for his mom i would be mad, he told her no. She walked 1 and a half miles to the er with chest pain. Called him and insisted that he come. Then laid a guilt trip on him about how she didnt want to disrupt his plans so she walked since she was to scared to drive. The pity story went on and on. He saw through it and just said he was happy she was ok and left her there in the hospital gown and told her to call her bf at the time for a ride home.


Quoting Megzboys:

  Oh wow!   You sure have a MIL who is off her rocker don't you?   Your DH has to notice how bad she is behaving and realize that you can not be expected to put up with the attacks and cruel words from her.   Maybe she is down right mental and needs to be evaluated by a doctor?    

    So she has been like this since you married him?   Do you get along with any of his family members or do they all believe her crazy words?     You and hubby need a plan of action and he needs to understand what you are dealing with.    Good luck ! 


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