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Changing parenting plans and need constructive input!!!

Posted by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 1:51 AM
  • 22 Replies

My husband has 50/50 custody with his ex and currently we have his 9 year old daughter and 5 year old son on a 2-2-5-5 schedule.  I also have a 7 year old daughter and we have a new baby.  He and I think that it would be best for everyone, especially his kids, if the transitions were less and we switch to a week on-week off schedule, switching on Fridays.  We proposed this to his ex and included that on Tuesday nights the other parent could take the kids for dinner from 5-7 as we had read that some parents do this. She had previously been very opposed to changing the schedule, so we thought the Tuesday nights would help everyone adjust.  My husband very much liked that he would still get to see the kids mid-week.  Surprisingly, she agrees to the weekly schedule, but strongly opposes the Tuesday nights, saying that they would ruin the whole purpose of the new plan-having fewer transitions.  This confuses us.  She had adamently been opposed to being away from the kids for more than 5 days, now is adamant about the mid week visit.  

My question is- does anyone have this week on-week off schedule?  What works for you?  What doesn't?  Do you have a mid week dinner night? Thank you!!!! 

by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 1:51 AM
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Replies (1-10):
afwifeandmommy3
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:54 AM
2 moms liked this
Week on week off . No midweek visit . Mid week caused upset in ss. This works better . Parent who does not have the child gets a phone call everyday before 6.
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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 10:37 AM
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My DH had 50/50 with Friday transitions as you described and we did the dinner night during the week.

During the time that they were at one house or another (in our situation) there wasn't a lot of daily interaction with the other parent beyond a phone call after school.  So, when the kids were younger, the midweek dinner was probably good for them.  

However, as they got older and had more stuff going on after school, it became a real PITA and we stopped doing it.  With sports and music lessons, it got to the point where everything was rushed.  

So...from the time DH/BM got divorced until the kids were about 11 and 12, we did the midweek.  

If BM doesn't want to do the midweek in your situation, you might consider setting up a time for them to skype or face time with Mom midweek instead.

FWIW...another bonus to the midweek when you do a 50/50 is that if the parent is single, it gives them an opportunity to perhaps go on a date.  When DH and I started dating, I could only see him when he didn't have the kids (our rule...I didn't want to meet the kids until we were reasonable certain we were going to be married).  So those mid week dinners with Mom were the only way I could see him from Friday to Friday on the weeks he had the kids.  If BM isn't remarried, she may wish to reconsider that midweek.

All in all, I am with your BM in that the midweek visits just create another set of transitions.  That never seemed to be a problem for the kids when they were younger though so given your skids ages, it might be something to try at least in the short term for this change.


DDDaysh
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 11:20 AM
1 mom liked this

 I kind of see her point.  If you're going for fewer transitions, then a mid-week dinner-only doesn't really make sense. 

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 11:49 AM
1 mom liked this
Agreed. Maybe agree on set phone calls? Or if the kids have activities then everyone will see them at those anyway during the week.


Quoting DDDaysh:

 I kind of see her point.  If you're going for fewer transitions, then a mid-week dinner-only doesn't really make sense. 


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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Feb. 13, 2013 at 12:44 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree. The mid week sometimes is too much. We not let it be a "free standing dinner" or whatever it's called? If they miss her(and its close by)they can visit her if that's ok.

My skids do a weird week on and off schedule also. Now they are "teens"13&17 and HATE IT. It's too hard those 2 days. (They say). But BM doesn't want 5-5 bc it's too long:/.

I think week on and off mom-fri is good and I feel skids(my stitch) can "roam" to BMs or Dh's when they want in the day time. Which they do anyhow. (They always do a quick visit w Dh).
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YesImMomToo
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 12:45 PM
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We went from week on week off, it was to hard on the kids to be away from the stable parent for 7 days and did not thrive in that situation. The less transitioning wasn't what was needed for our kids. Then we went to a 2-2-5 schedule with the kids coming here everyday after school. They had never been happier until BM decided she couldn't stand them being happy without her and forced conflict after school so DH let the after school issue go.


the kids are not happy but oldest is almost at age where the courts will listen to him and within the next couple of years will be deciding where he wants to live. He would rather see him mom some weekends and be around his peers and the home he feels safe in.


i guess you guys can give it a try with a if it doesn't work you can readdress it?

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Feb. 13, 2013 at 12:50 PM
1 mom liked this
My Dh has sons are to come everyday until 530 w my Dh. It worked out well bc then my Dh got to see them everyday. But I feel(JMO) now that they are older 13&17 he should be a little more easy on them. He still wants to see them everyday and BM picks them up now on her days. While I get its "not fair" to Dh,I think my Dh should be more lax on this rule since they are older.

Idk I could be wrong. Lol.



Quoting Birdseed:

My DH had 50/50 with Friday transitions as you described and we did the dinner night during the week.

During the time that they were at one house or another (in our situation) there wasn't a lot of daily interaction with the other parent beyond a phone call after school.  So, when the kids were younger, the midweek dinner was probably good for them.  

However, as they got older and had more stuff going on after school, it became a real PITA and we stopped doing it.  With sports and music lessons, it got to the point where everything was rushed.  

So...from the time DH/BM got divorced until the kids were about 11 and 12, we did the midweek.  

If BM doesn't want to do the midweek in your situation, you might consider setting up a time for them to skype or face time with Mom midweek instead.

FWIW...another bonus to the midweek when you do a 50/50 is that if the parent is single, it gives them an opportunity to perhaps go on a date.  When DH and I started dating, I could only see him when he didn't have the kids (our rule...I didn't want to meet the kids until we were reasonable certain we were going to be married).  So those mid week dinners with Mom were the only way I could see him from Friday to Friday on the weeks he had the kids.  If BM isn't remarried, she may wish to reconsider that midweek.

All in all, I am with your BM in that the midweek visits just create another set of transitions.  That never seemed to be a problem for the kids when they were younger though so given your skids ages, it might be something to try at least in the short term for this change.


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amabul
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:44 PM

These are all very helpful :) And I am sorry, I had meant to say she is adamantly against the Tuesday dinners. I have only been in the picture for under 2 years, but already it seems she favors being a part time mom and wants it to fit her schedule.  She has been very difficult as her responses to things are very unpredictable. I like the idea of Skype or daily phone calls.  I will have my husband perhaps suggest those as a compromise for the Tuesday dinners :) Thank you for the feedback! 

MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Feb. 13, 2013 at 4:06 PM
1 mom liked this

My DH has 50/50 with SD. We also have a 2-2-5-5 plan and it has worked for us so far. SD also comes over to our house everyday after school until about 5 or 5:30 when BM gets off work. BM didn't want week on/week off during the school year.

During the summer we do week on/week off. BM is now complaining about that, so who knows what's going to happen.

Good luck!

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 4:10 PM



Quoting amabul:

These are all very helpful :) And I am sorry, I had meant to say she is adamantly against the Tuesday dinners. I have only been in the picture for under 2 years, but already it seems she favors being a part time mom and wants it to fit her schedule.  She has been very difficult as her responses to things are very unpredictable. I like the idea of Skype or daily phone calls.  I will have my husband perhaps suggest those as a compromise for the Tuesday dinners :) Thank you for the feedback! 


Careful there...she's NOT a PT mom if she's 50/50.  Don't go there.  Seriously.  Just don't do it.  It's not helpful and it's not even true.

Our BM likes to party and do her own thing and has often dumped kids when it suits her so I get it.  But lets not call a 50/50 mom PT.  

Just focus.

If she doesn't want to do mid weeks, fine.  The kids probably will be fine. Some do better than others.

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