I hope Pero won't mind. Her thread about BF's weird email and SM's desire to be recognized as an integral part of the "care chain" got me to thinking.
What is a care chain when it comes to kids? And where does/should a SP fit into that? And when (if ever) should the SP want/need validation for their part in the care chain? And from whom?
When I think of "care", I think of the adult who is responsible for the minor child. So in a typical day, that could mean the parent, the school, the coach in an after school sport, the babysitter, the bus driver, etc.
In my case, there are many times when I am the lone adult with the kids. They are in my care. However, when a BP is present WITH the SP, is the child really in the "care" of the SP? I'd say no.
Clearly, Pero's situation is just batshit. The SM is not alone with the child, the SM does not take the child to appointments or lessons or really have any major role in the day to day care of the kiddo. The child is in the care of the BF. I'd assert that making dinner, doing laundry, watching a movie together does not make a SP part of the care chain if the BP is there.
Further, I think that in the case where the SP IS the one caring for the kid(s), he/she is doing so to help out the BP they're married to. Any kudos or appreciation he/she wants/needs should be coming from his/her spouse--not the other BP who would, in all liklihood, prefer that the SP NOT be the one charged with the care of the kid(s) to begin with!
As a SM who has done quite a bit of "care" for the kids, it's usually not been BM who has asked me to play that role. (it has definitely happened, but represents only about 20% of the time I spend alone w/ the kids) For the most part, it's my spouse wanting/needing my help.
So if that's the norm (making a huge assumption here), then why on earth would a SP need/want any kind of validation from the other BP?
My only thing with BM as far as "acknowledgement" is that I would appreciate a thank you when/if I help her out. I'm not helping her out when the kids are supposed to be in Dad's care. Therefore as a SM, even a very involved one, I have zero expecation that BM would acknowledge, validate or thank me for being part of the care chain.
What say you?
I agree with you 100%....anything I go for my skids I do willingly. My SO appreciates it and he tells me so. Most of what I do, I do for my skids. Some of what I do, I do for my SO. Nothing I do, is done for BM. I dont need her to value me or thank me. She has told my SO she is grateful that I am good to the skids. I think that is enough. And it is more than I ever expected her to say about me.
When I'm caring for my skids, I'm doing it to help out my DH. He does the same for me. DH is custodial parent, so I'm "on duty" a lot, but its all to help him. If he hired a sitter to care for his kids, she would be working for him, not BM.
Quoting MommySabs:
I don't understand the need of some sm to get validation from bm. I do what I do for the ease of my family, to help out my dh and bc I love my dss so I don't mind. On the same token, my dh is the parent, he doesn't expect me to parent for him.
This.
I'm a CSM, I do a majority of the day to day care for SD and our other 3 children. DH helps get the kids up in the morning and often leaves about 20 minutes before them in the mornings. We work together to ensure the 4 kids are ready when they need to be. He leaves for work, I get the older 3 off to school. In the afternoons I pick the kids up and take care of them. I'm about 80% responsible for making whatever appointments the kids need and making sure they get to them (SD12 and DD6 have special needs, we have 3-4 appointments a week on average for the girls, with other specialists thrown into the mix here and there).
This was a decision that DH and I have made for our family. He has a higher earning potential, and someone needs to be available to meet the needs of our children. That decision has very little to do with BM. And the last thing on my mind is getting "credit" or validation from BM for what I do for SD. If I wasn't doing for SD what needs to be done then a majority of her needs wouldn't be met. DH has one day off during the week and it would be nearly impossible to schedule all of SD's appointments ONLY on that day so that he could solely be responsible for them. As well, BM has chosen not to be involved at all.
I don't ask for "credit" or validation for meeting the needs of my bio-kids, why in the world would I need some type of "credit" or validation for meeting the needs of SD? When I married DH I made a commitment to be his partner in life, I knew he had SD and was willing to help him raise her in whatever ways he needed.
Silly jokes aside, I fully believe in the saying "it takes a village to raise a child". Yes J and I are the primary caretakers, but without the support we get from our awesome "village" things would be a lot different around here. All of these other people add so much value and love to our kids lives, and I am so grateful to have them.
Likewise, J and I help with our friends and siblings kids whenever possible.
I disagree with you that a sp cooking, cleaning, spending quality time, etc does not make them part of the "care chain" because they are helping to provide care and hopefully love for the children, therefore they are important.
Peros sitch, however, is absolutely batshit. I am a huge advocate for stepparents, but what sm and bf in that sitch are pulling is disgusting.
Personally, I think it’s silly to deny that a stepparent is part of the ‘chain of care’ – but I think it’s equally ridiculous for a stepparent to demand that their caretaking efforts are acknowledged by the opposite birth parent.
Maybe this makes me sound sensitive and paranoid, but I would take a “thank you for doing x” as an attempt at an insult. Why does helping them out with homework, washing their hair, or making sure their clothes are clean deserve a thank you? I know that BM would be highly offended if I said, “Thank you for feeding SS today.” I see ‘thank you’ as a way of expressing gratitude when someone goes out of their way for you.
the sitch with the SM in pero's situation is just too bizarre. there is more going on there.
In my own situation, my skids' mom is a smaller part of the care chain than I am. I don't expect her to thank me for taking care of her children. I don't expect her to consider my role at all, and as far as I know, she doesn't.
I think I can also say with confidence that my kids' SM has never been part of their care chain. Heck.. even their father has barely been a link in the chain.
Quoting progressandjoy:Personally, I think it’s silly to deny that a stepparent is part of the ‘chain of care’ – but I think it’s equally ridiculous for a stepparent to demand that their caretaking efforts are acknowledged by the opposite birth parent.
Maybe this makes me sound sensitive and paranoid, but I would take a “thank you for doing x” as an attempt at an insult. Why does helping them out with homework, washing their hair, or making sure their clothes are clean deserve a thank you? I know that BM would be highly offended if I said, “Thank you for feeding SS today.” I see ‘thank you’ as a way of expressing gratitude when someone goes out of their way for you.
Chores- how much is too much.
- Birdseed
on Feb. 13, 2013 at 11:40 AM