I hope Pero won't mind. Her thread about BF's weird email and SM's desire to be recognized as an integral part of the "care chain" got me to thinking.
What is a care chain when it comes to kids? And where does/should a SP fit into that? And when (if ever) should the SP want/need validation for their part in the care chain? And from whom?
When I think of "care", I think of the adult who is responsible for the minor child. So in a typical day, that could mean the parent, the school, the coach in an after school sport, the babysitter, the bus driver, etc.
In my case, there are many times when I am the lone adult with the kids. They are in my care. However, when a BP is present WITH the SP, is the child really in the "care" of the SP? I'd say no.
Clearly, Pero's situation is just batshit. The SM is not alone with the child, the SM does not take the child to appointments or lessons or really have any major role in the day to day care of the kiddo. The child is in the care of the BF. I'd assert that making dinner, doing laundry, watching a movie together does not make a SP part of the care chain if the BP is there.
Further, I think that in the case where the SP IS the one caring for the kid(s), he/she is doing so to help out the BP they're married to. Any kudos or appreciation he/she wants/needs should be coming from his/her spouse--not the other BP who would, in all liklihood, prefer that the SP NOT be the one charged with the care of the kid(s) to begin with!
As a SM who has done quite a bit of "care" for the kids, it's usually not been BM who has asked me to play that role. (it has definitely happened, but represents only about 20% of the time I spend alone w/ the kids) For the most part, it's my spouse wanting/needing my help.
So if that's the norm (making a huge assumption here), then why on earth would a SP need/want any kind of validation from the other BP?
My only thing with BM as far as "acknowledgement" is that I would appreciate a thank you when/if I help her out. I'm not helping her out when the kids are supposed to be in Dad's care. Therefore as a SM, even a very involved one, I have zero expecation that BM would acknowledge, validate or thank me for being part of the care chain.
What say you?