Back story: BM is CO'ed EOWE but takes one weekend a month generally. In January she took one over night of about 20 hours total with SD. BM lives about 5 minutes away in the same city, she's not involved with doctors, therapists, school, etc for SD but has CO'ed joint legal custody.
SD is 12, but developmentally about 9 or so. I do a majority of the day to day care for SD as well as our other 3 children. I've been in SD's life since she was 1 1/2 and we have a pretty good relationship, much better than most SMs/SDs and better than some BMs/DDs.
90% of the time she's a great kid, which is saying something as she'll be 13 in a few months :) The only time we have attitude problems is right before a visit with BM or after a visit with BM. BM emails DH and says, "I'd like to take SD on this weekend. Please let me know if that works for SD's schedule." And he either says yes or no given whatever SD's schedule is for that weekend. He's not said no to any visits yet.
SD sees a counselor/therapist every week as the last few visits with BM have been a bit intense. SD came home from her visit in December an emotional wreck after a lot of issues with BM, BM's boyfriend, and BM's mom. BM and BM's mom were using SD as a pawn between them. BM threatened BM's mom with never seeing SD again if BM's mom didn't do what BM wanted. Our understanding of the situation is that it was all really nasty, and all took place in front of SD and SD was brought into the fight a few times. This is not new behavior for BM and BM's mom.
Anyways, the issue here is that every time SD is set to go with BM she cops a NASTY attitude for the 3-4 days before and then for 3-4 days after she gets home. It's the only time she has this attitude, and it's mostly directed at me. All last week SD was great. Friday night she went to a friend's house for the weekend and came home Sunday morning. She was great all day Sunday. Sunday night DH was talking to her about going to BM's Friday. Monday morning the attitude hit. All Monday afternoon, all Tuesday, and all this morning she's had a wicked attitude with me. When asked about the attitude her response is always, "I don't have an answer."
It's really frustrating for me and it's hard for me not to have a nasty attitude right back (not the best reaction, I know). I don't think it's me, so much as I'm the "mom role" here, and it's frustrating for her with her mom (even when SD's with BM SD spends a majority of her time with BM's mom). And this week at school is half days all week for conferences, so it throws our regular schedule right out the window (which doesn't help SD's special needs)
I don't really need advice, unless someone has a cure-all for 12 year old attitude :) I just needed to vent.